On Independence Day

I need to edit this. It's a strange holiday for me over the past few years. For some reason, things usually go wrong or just bad around the fourth of July. It's actually the time I feel the least independance from anything. It's a time where I want to be dependamt on someone more than anything, but actually it is the time I am dependant on just myself and god. So I look independant, but feel inside very differently. I was raped on this weekend forur years ago. I thought it would get easier as time went on, but because it produced the most important thing in the world to me it is mixxed with emotions. If I were independant and had some stabnility in my life I would have kept her and never let her go. We would be together instead of apart today, everyday. So I feel dependant in a way because a part of me is somewhere and I have no freedom or "right" to know anything about her or her family. I placed her fo adoption about 10 months after I was raped. It's amazing what all can happpen in one year. It may look like I was independant but I felt anything nut inside. No one understands or knows what to say so thy tend to avoid the subject or have really dorgoten about it. I just want to be respected a little on that day or not insulted by some family member at least for one day. July 4th used to mean the lake and frinds and family, now it is something else. And it seems to bring bad luck in gerneral because we tool muy grandmother is in the hospita yesterdaqy and she is not foing very well. My shift is at night of course, I anways get the AM hours! So not sure what this podcast will be. Just thought I'd try ot to at least tale my minf of thngs. I really hope tiyr holiday weekend is good and whether you are protesting in all black or living it up like there are no 3 wars, I hope you feel independant inside We don't have Independance anymore in America, but we can at least try to be emotionally free and not rely on anything but self