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Today we are going to talk about Raising Innovation with Lorena Bathey. Lorena is the author of Happy Beginnings, and Beatrice Munson. Both books are on my Raising Innovation must read list. These books will help you get to know yourself and more importantly trust yourself. They contain lessons in letting go of situations and preconceived notions and looking at the possibilities. Most importantly they show how women can start to understand and start living their whys. You can find more information about Lorena at http://lorenabbooks.com
Hi! This is Theresa Robb and this is the Theresa Robb Radio Show, the show where we talk about Raising Innovation, raising innovation in ourselves, in our families, in our business and professional life and in our communities, and I am not going to give you the whole big raising innovation spill today because I am so excited about our guest. It is Lorena Bathey and she is the author of Happy Beginnings and Beatrice Munson and we were just on here talking. And she has so many other books that are going to be really cool coming up. She had so many in the queue getting ready to come, and both of the Happy Beginnings and Beatrice Munson are on my Raising Innovation must read list. These books will help you get to know yourself and more importantly trust yourself. They contain lessons and letting go of situations and pre-conceived notions and looking at possibilities, and most importantly, they show us how women can start to understand and start living their lives, become who and what they are meant to become. And in Beatrice Munson, the women changed so nicely and so well in the book. You just have to read it because there are -- almost every page has a lesson. And you can find more information out at lorenabbooks.com and the link is on my show page, theresarobbradioshow.com, and if you want to call in and join in in this conversation, please feel free to do so. The guest call-in number is (866) 691-7711. Again, the toll-free guest call-in number is (866) 691-7711. And now let us jump in and start talking.
We were talking before -- I am staring with the big hard question. Why you became an author? Because I see...
I want to ask you why.
Okay. Well. Sometimes you know why they are kind o f thrust upon us as opposed to us deciding that we want to do them and - "Hi, everyone. I am Lorena Bathey. Nice to meet all of you". My why happened when my mom got sick with cancer. She was 54 and she was diagnosed with breast and ovarian cancer and it was a very quick year and she passed away. I was very close to my mom and she was a great wonderful woman and a little bit of controlling relationship there but what hit me most was that she was 54 which is -- now I am 45, it seems so very young and it is. And I thought to myself we are just not guaranteed all the time. I hear people saving for their future and when they are 75, they are going to go travel and I think why waste time. It is kind of what hit me really hard. And then within three years, my dad got remarried really quickly after my mom passed away, which was kind of hard for me to handle, and then my husband left me. So, within a three-year period my whole world crumbled and I was left with facing my biggest fear which was to be alone. Other than having my children, it was just me. Thinking those circumstances and I know God, higher power of the universe, whatever you believe in, sometimes you just got thrown in the pool and they say "sink or swim," and luckily I swam and kind of what saved me during that whole process as I have always been kind of a journal girl and writes stuff down and I just started writing down what I was going through. From the very beginning when my ex left me with his little 3x5 card which is on the first page. And ironically enough, I was watching Sex and the City where Carrie Bradshaw's boyfriend broke up with her with a post-it note. So I thought that was actually really funny and you cannot write that kind of stuff. It just has to happen in your life. And so I just began chronically my change and facing the fact that women so very often get stuck in these rules that are acceptable, which is mother and wife and daughter and we forget that who we are as individuals is the most important relationship that we have, and if we do not work to make that a good solid happy relationship, then the rest of the things that we do it just really doesn't matter because you are going to be resentful and angry.
So, I really started taking a look at that and then just really was really open and really honest about my process going through divorce, which is a definite grieving process. As any death process would be, divorce is as well. You know you go through the steps of "Oh my gosh! Am I still attractive? Will people actually want to date me again?" and so you start going you know meet new friends and going to single events and trying to see that it almost replaced the person that has left you then you end up living in the self-help __5:10__ trying to make yourself a better person because you figure out that the dating thing is not going to do for you. And then after a while, you start to put it all together and to start to kind of really look at your issues, and if you are smart, you tackle on and you figure out who you are and what you're going to be. You grow up and then you become more than you were before and like a tempered steel. Sometimes you got to get beat down and you know heated up and beat down again to make yourself stronger and that is what happened for me. And I was that writing the first book Happy Beginnings which is my memoirs of that whole process. I am trying to make it funny and because it was funny. I mean got dating alone was really hilarious, you know what I mean. I tried to make it funny and real because what I found was there were no books out there __5:54__ someone, a normal person, the lady down the street, going through this process and so many people, everyday people, were going through it. I wanted to just kind of bear my soul and tell others "Hey, you are not alone and yes, what you are feeling is normal." But what happened during that process when I started getting that kind of pictures in my head of people and hearing some people-s names and dialogs, and so I just started to write it down. And I wrote Beatrice Munson in 2005 about halfway and then I just was not getting any more inspiration so I set it aside and it was not until this last year that I picked it up and started writing it again, which you are going to start from the beginning all over again, and then finished it about 8-9 months ago at a nine-hour writing session in Pernera. So, that was my road to writing.
I like you mentioning the self-help session and this is why I think your books are so important. So many of the self-help books. You could have written a book saying, "Okay, you get divorced and this is what you do and this is what you do." This is what I did and I am coming out of a pretty good place and so I am going to write a step-by-step instruction in how to get through a divorce. And you see as moms, so many books, if you wrote one of these books please do not take this personally. If a lot of women think "Oh I did a great job being a mom and being a wife, so I am going to write a book and tell you exactly how I am, what I do being a mom and being a wife, so you can follow in my footsteps. I am going to give you the step-by-step instruction." And you know what, everybody is different. Everybody's situation is different and what works for one person would not necessarily work for another person.
And that is the thing that comes up in Beatrice Munson, is that there is this concept. Of course, Beatrice Munson is about suburban women faced with someone who is following and living their passion and their dreams and is mostly happy doing so. And what it is that shines a giant light on suburban women who have advocated their lives and their happiness and they may say they do not but they do to make their children and their job as parents the most important thing. I am not downgrading any of that. I agree that being a mother is a really hard job and is very important, but it is not why you came here. The reason you came to this planet was to do things and what happens is when we get married, it is like we take all those dreams and hopes and aspirations and put them up on a shelf, and we decide "Okay, we will wait and leave them on the shelf until our kids grow up and then we will take back down and we will do these things". Well, there is a lot of issues and problems with those things. First of all, __8:57__ just doing all that in term time when you are raising your kid and no matter how much you love them and how great it is being a mom, you are going to be resentful because you do not count. And that is what comes through and that was partly what I saw when I went through the process of getting divorce and also what I saw when after getting divorced and living still in a suburban community, the way the women treated me.
You became the divorcee and I have got to watch my husband, do not let her talk to my husband.
My best friend at that time told me that. She said that I cannot trust you around my husband anymore. And I said why? And she said, "Well because if you are drinking, you may be interested in him," and I said, "Honey, first of all, I know your husband. I am not interested. Secondly, what does that say about me that I would change that much, that I would jeopardize our friendship to steal your husband away? And then the first thing that really affected me is "Why did you think I can't be okay by myself? Why do I have to go steal someone else's husband to make my life valuable or worthwhile?" It was very striking to me. And then the poor thing I said was "I think you should be more concerned about your husband than me. If that's a concern for you in the first place, then you don't have a very valuable relationship with your husband." It was very telling to me that fear is rampant in women in this economy and in this world and in this suburban. I call them the fairytales in the worst way because what has happened is the people create their lives built on things that are not valuable, that are roots that dug into the earth. And then the fear reigns constantly that something is going to come in and shatter that glass castle.
Well, do not you think a lot of that comes from growing up and what is your talking about I experienced so much. I did not get married until I was 31. I was a late bloomer in getting married, and I did not have my son until 35, but here I was this vibrant go anywhere, do anything woman and my husband fell in love with me because I was game for anything. Go to a glider contest, sure. Go rafting, sure. But as little girls, we were raised with this fairytale that you get married and you live happily ever after and your life always starts when you get married.
Well, that was the biggest thing about why I wrote the book about being your own fairy godmother because that is the prevalent, prevalent thing to every little girl's mind. I do not know. Any little girl that does not know about fairytales and Disneyland and princess, and all that, and the whole theme running through being a princess is wait for somebody to come and rescue you. And that's why I chose the title, I chose of Becoming My Very Own Fairy Godmother, because what I decided was I was not going the wait around anymore for things to fall in my lap, which is what most of us do. We think "Oh well, it's fate, it's karma. It will just happen to us." And I agree partly sometimes that does occur. But you can make your own faith. You can make your own karma by getting out there and deciding "Hey, I love to take pictures. I'm going to go do it," even if it is just for the hour on the weekend by myself. What you do then is, in my opinion and everybody __12:38__ different, but what you do when you give the okay for God, the universe, whatever you believe in, when you say them "I value myself enough to give myself the opportunity to live and be the person that you wanted me to be," then you just then open the floodgates for your higher power to say to you, "You know what? Amen, that's really what you've been waiting for, here you go." I cannot tell you how many times I have seen that in people's lives when they let go of living their life based on everybody else's opinion on what they should be doing or by all the fear-based stuff that oh my gosh the floodgates and the opportunities open in front of their eyes and they are amazed. It is how it happens and the only way that we get to that place, I like that you said at the beginning the letting go, the only way that we can get to that place is by letting go. And that is what Beatrice Munson is about. It is about these women.
Marissa Lyons is a protagonist. She pretty much tells the story and she is a suburban woman, she is divorced, her husband cheated on her and she has got two teenage kids and she is living in this suburban neighborhood and she does not know who she is. The divorce has raised lot of insecurities and then she finds out that her high school nemesis, the perfect girl from high school who stole the boys she loved is moving in across the street from her. So, of course, she has freaked out beyond belief because it was not bad enough she had to go through high school with this woman and now she has got to go through her 40s as a single mom with perfect Beatrice Munson living across the street from her. And so to give her _14:14_ and her props instead of just you know ignoring the situation, she marches across the street to see what she is in for and what she finds is that Beatrice has become someone she never expected. And what happens to her is that she sees a person who has decided in a decision-based on should I get a boob job or go to Egypt that going to Egypt and choosing to travel and see more of the world and becoming someone different that everyone expected her to become, that Beatrice has opened up a new world for herself and has returned to the community after being gone for over 20 years living in France and Spain and all over the place living this great and exciting life. She has moved back and she has got an adopted daughter and she wants to put some from roots. But what she does in this time coming back is she __15:10__ Marissa, but the other women of the neighborhood that by choosing to live your passion, even if the simple ones that neither one could jet off and live in Turkey for a bit of life, but even following your small passions opens up your opportunity for you to become a bigger and better and more amazing person.
You do not really talk about this in the book, but becoming a bigger, better, more passionate person, especially when you are a mom, that lesson for your kids in the freedom for your kids to go out and live their passion. And I was talking about it is not my job with my son to decide who and what he becomes when he grows up. It is my job to give him the tool to become the young man he is meant to become. And you cannot raise a child to become who and what they are meant to become unless you are doing it yourself.
Absolutely. I mean it is the most -- it is like do what I say but not as I do. And there will be no respect there. One of the things that my daughter says to me all the time and she just turned 16 is that I am her hero because I am doing what I love. It is not an easy decision. I am doing it on the way end of the tale. I have decided being a novelist is what I am, and it is my decision to do this. When or not -- if I fail or whatever I do not care because I know when I do this, when I write, I am happier than I am most times in my life. It is a higher most, okay. So I know this is what I am supposed to be doing because I would not feel like that if I was not. And what I have done, you are right, in showing my children is that and when I tell them many times that you did not come here to live my dreams. You came here to live yours, and your dreams are yours and parents need to realize this. In this society where people are pushing their kids like every morning that whole tiger woman book and all the stuff has come out. I am all for making children responsible and do their best and to work hard. That is what we say in this household all the time. What you are doing, you give your best at and you work hard. But who am I to say and who is anyone to say what our children are here to do? If we do not give them the opportunity and some of them are going not to go to college. Some of them are going to be artists. Some of them are going to be musicians. If you do not nurture those things that you do not understand even, then where will this world go? We cannot have everybody working on Wall Street, everybody a lawyer, everyone a doctor. Where will art come from? Where will our music come from? And those are the things that __17:45__. And that is kind of what Beatrice is intimating to with all these women in this neighborhood. It is like - I say that this woman had become like their neighborhood and varying shades of beige. Now, I know that any of you who drive through these __18:01__ communities or this planned neighborhood know what I am talking about.
The houses are all the same color or shades of the same color. And basically, what you are doing and what society generally has done is that "Hey, here is your differential. You can only become as much more like this, but don't be different. You cannot paint your house blue if want to paint your house blue, you have to be the same color spectrum as everything else," and we do it. That is why someone like Beatrice is so loved and everyone loves Beatrice because she just does not play by the rules.
Well, in the competition between moms, you watch it on the playgrounds, you watch it at school. I think the problem is that we are so afraid of failing that we are unwilling to be successful.
Oh, I 100% believe that.
We are so afraid of being different and being looked at and having somebody say something unfavorable about us that we are afraid to be ourselves -- we are afraid of failing and so...
That is so true. And it is not just women, it is everyone. People do not take chances anymore. I mean think about -- __19:22__ our country gets to the place it is because people took chances. And where did we lose that indomitable spirit that resides within us to decide to do that? The perfect example is the character of Lilly in the book Beatrice Munson, right? She is going to call the resident free, right, and anyone who has seen Desperate Housewives knows what I am talking about. I mean she is living by the rules all the time. It is like that she reads the etiquette book in the morning while she is having a coffee. And she knows what is right and what is wrong and in some way has become like the general of the neighborhood for the women to say how things are done and she is like the Emily Post of the neighborhood and people are afraid of her. People are afraid of what she says, people are afraid of what she does, what she would think, and we are all have seen these women. I mean if you have kids in school, you have seen these women where their need to control is so outrageous that they have created this. It is like they are like little many dictators and all the women who are not brave enough just fall along behind and may talk about her behind the back __20:58__ someone who will say to our face. And that is why Lilly had to be as rigid as she was because I have just seen too many of them not and have her included her in the book.
But Lilly's turnaround was a great turnaround.
Oh yeah. It is the awesome one. It is perfect. This is the great thing and people who do not believe in inspiration, I am here to tell you it exists, because when I am writing the book, I see it like a movie in my head. So basically, I see it like a play, yeah like a movie, so what I am describing what I have seen, the characters, the dialog and it comes to me because they are talking and I am writing it down. It is really great because what will happen is when I am suppose to write, ideas just ping around in my head until I can actually think about anything else. So I will sit down and just I start writing what I see and so I thought I was writing that whole thing that happens to Lilly which we cannot tell you because you have to read the book. But when that whole thing happened, you know I was excited. I was seeing what was going on and it was exciting to me to see the breakthrough. Anytime a woman finds -- I hate to use this aha-moment from Oprah because it is so overdone, but you know there really is a moment in your life and several actually where you kind of go "Ah, okay now I get it." It is like all the windows open up and the shades come from the windows and light pours in the house and you get it. And that is -- Lilly is getting it. It is really a powerful moment to me because she is probably one of the most uptight characters in the book.
And something that happened in Lilly's aha-moment, I think it is important to discuss. The lipo comes on and Beatrice gives her strength. She does not say anything, they just look at each other and Beatrice gives her the strength to do what she has to do. And as women, instead of taking the power away from other women trying to take other women's power, we need to give power to other women. We have to give the power to one another.
Absolutely. I mean, when you read this book, you all see your friends in this book. I mean these characters are all people I know, bits in pieces, put together making these characters. I mean I cannot put an exclamation point behind what you just said because we have this mentality that every woman is a predator against what we have, what we want, anything like that. I have some very, very old friendships with women and these are women that I can call anytime and they will listen to me, and vice versa and that needs to be the way all women are at all times. We do not have this -- for example, I talked to my _23:35_, which is my -- he is more than boyfriend and like a husband, and I told him I go -- when you guys go out, a bunch of guys, and when you guys go to the bathroom, you do not talk about the women in the bathroom, do you? And he goes, "No, we never think about that. The women do." Even if they are good friends, they do. You know either you have all done it. So do not act like you don't because I know you have because I have done it too. I am sure Theresa has too. No one is perfect.
Yeah. Can you believe what she is wearing?
Yeah. And so...but that is what...that is where...I do not know what happened here, what broke that down because a book every woman should read that I think is incredibly invaluable for understanding where the relationship between women is supposed to be is The Red Tent by Anita Diamant, I believe is the name. It is a book about a nomadic tribe and the red tent was where the women went when they were on their cycle. And if anyone knows who spends a lot of time with the same women, you get on the same cycle, and so invariably this kind of moving town that was this tribe, the women would all get on the same cycle. So because in their time period, being on your cycle meant that you were unclean and that men could not be near you, and they will go there. These women would all spend time in the tent together and what was wonderful about it was the community that they created. And where the older women explained their role and that they are actually were the backbone of how this tribe survived. They made sure there was food and they took care of the children and they made sure the homes were nurturing and they were important. And I think what happened is that women forgot that being a woman is just as important, that being nurturing and loving and caring is our finest and strongest challenge and that because we are also obsessed with this, you got to be size two which by the way I do not know if anything look worse than these women with their heads as bigger than their body and look like skeletons, and most men I talked to feel the same. So what happens is that we are never satisfied with who we are and we never consider that our natural talents of being able to nurture and love and protect and care are what make us most amazing and beautiful. And until we women get that our power as a woman is our femininity and we get that men do not want us to be their Victoria Secret model, until we get that and that beauty lies deeper than our skin and what we look like, we will not be able to end this sad plethora of young girls out there who do not consider more than what they look like is in fact because they work on in their life. And that is part of what Beatrice is about. It is why Beatrice looks the way she does. It is how these women respond to someone of her coming into their world and showing them but basically tossing everything up in the air say that all that you believe in you need to rebound. And I want woman to think about that. I want them to learn that, that is why I wrote it the way I wrote it.
Listening to you and being a woman and being feminine and embracing who and what we are, for some reason in the cultural revolution, we decided we have to be men.
Yes. And how is that working for us women?
And so we are busy trying to be men, but then we feel like we need to have kids and we need to be nurturing and there is this disconnect there. I have worked in male professions but I have always done it as a woman. And I realized...
Well, congratulations to you. Seriously. I mean that is saying a lot.
I figured out that I am a woman, I could say things, and I could do things and I could get away with things that a man couldn't.
And ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, you just won a prize. That is what women do not get. They do not realize -- have you ever seen that movie Big Fat Greek Wedding?
It is a household favorite here. My daughter had seen it like 15 times. I have seen it just as many times, maybe more. And one of the vital parts in that movie that I love and everyone knows Greek society is very male-dominated, but what I love in that movie is when she says to her daughter after she convinced him to let her go to school and she said "Toula, the man maybe the head, but the woman is the neck and she can turn the head anywhere she want." And that is what women do not get. They do not get that. It is in the fact that "Yeah. Maybe we can't go..." And I am not saying that if you want to be a vice president of a company, then by all means, go freaking for it.
But do it as a woman.
Yeah. But do it as a woman. Do not be a ball buster. You have to realize that your strength lies in the things you are not using, that you have locked up in the closet, and that goes for any woman. I am so tired to hear bitching, mourning women complain, complain, complain. If you are not happy, it is not your husband, boyfriend, job to make you happy. And that is where you say -- that is where the fairytale breaks down because what we do and what we have been taught to do by listening to stories and watching all the Brazilian romance movies out there made for women, not made for men, they are made for women. If you watch those movies, the story is the same. Let someone else make you happy. The prince will ride in on his white horse and he will make you happy. But when you give your happiness and you lay that into someone else's hand, a) it is a huge responsibility for them and one that taken very easily fall through under and b) why would you ever give something that important away to somebody else? And that is what women have to get, that your happiness lies in your hands and that is what this book is about.
And you are in control of your life, talking about out many men and trying to balance -- my sister is an attorney or she is now a judge -- but when she was an attorney -- a new attorney having her first kids and stuff like that. I would go to a breakfast occasionally with her that it was all women attorneys. And this woman was complaining about how hard it was to try to make partner and still be a good mom and I sat there at this breakfast and I looked in and I said, "Didn't you know what you're getting into begin with?" I always knew -- in my profession -- that I wanted to be a mom eventually. And so I never wanted to go into a profession that would take over my life.
And you know, on the other hand to that? Being a mom full time is an absolutely...
It's a wonderful role. If that's what you know you want to do and that makes you happy, then for God's sake do it. Okay?
But do not then just advocate your life to your children and that is again another issue in this country that we are dealing with. I am sorry and I -- we're raising spoiled children. These children are not prepared to go out to the world because we are not teaching them the important thing. We are only teaching -- we are giving them everything they want. We are not making them struggle. We are pushing them, pressuring them to become things that we think are valuable and that is going to backfire, hugely, and the most important thing that we need to remember is that happiness for each person lies within each person; and every person's happiness is different and that goes as far as success too, which people equate happiness with success. Well your success could be that you are home at 5 o'clock or that you're home all day and that you are there for your kids when they get home from the school -- that could be your success. For another person, another woman, it could be -- she gets to go live in Paris and be with the corporation and living in Paris. Everyone's happiness is different and that is what we need to stop judging. We also need to start building children that see that being successful is not necessarily doing what they have been told to do a lot. I will emphasize that with the fact that I love to watch these cake decorating shows. I do not know why, it is just fun for me and I was watching one yesterday when I got home from work and I was relaxing and then watching this -- they are building this cake -- and this girl goes, "Oh, I was a botany major" and now she is making cakes. Is that some perfect example of how many people go to college for one thing and then never do it. You know what I am saying? Obviously, what she is -- she got a big smile on her face -- obviously making cakes for her brings her joy.
So who are we to say whether that is less successful then what she should have done being a botanist? Maybe she should have been -- maybe her parents want her to be a professor. But you know what I am saying? It is like you see the correlation?
But it's her choice.
It's her choice, that is what makes her happy or she would not be doing it, right? I mean that is what we need to realize is that if your choice is to do this, then do it. There is that other adage, "if you do what you love, the money will come." Well why do you think they have things like that? People have these statements for a reason -- because it is true. It is true or it would not be there, okay? And what people do not understand is when you do what you love and the money will come, means that you will be doing something that you love and you will be doing it far more. You will enjoy what you are doing so whatever you are doing you create a better outcome at.
Well, you would be still good at doing what you do because you love it...
And that's the why...
You don't care how long it takes you to do it, you know? And then what happens is people see that and that energy sparks them because either, a) they do not have it in their life; or b) they are looking for it. You know what I'm saying? So it's the spark and then they will see it in you. People say it all the time. I cannot tell you how many times. I am sure some of my family members think I am crazy that I am a full-time writer. Not only that, but I'm an indie author which means I am publishing myself -- I have my own company and I publish my own books so I do everything myself. And that has only opened up in this world because of the indie publishing people behind it and the fact that a lot of writers were just sick and tired of publishers taking their work and either messing it up or not doing what they really wanted with their work. So they decided they could do it themselves and thank God for those people who -- with the __34:59__. But now more and more people are doing this. Even people that had big contracts, what are called luxury contracts, with big publishers and agents are now becoming independent authors because they are tired of doing the work and then not seeing their finished product go where they want it to go. And so it is a brave new world out there in the publishing world and so honestly, if you do what you love and you work hard then what comes from there is only positive.
Can I change this around to a little -- this is for girls looking for husbands?
You talk -- you listen to women who are looking for their husbands and they talked about the bars and the places where the successful men with money hang out. After I met my husband -- as soon as we started dating, everybody knew we were going to get married. It was just -- we were the perfect couple, we are the perfect couple. And a mom with her daughter asked me, she said, "How did you meet David?" And David and I -- I got involved in competitive soaring in my early 20s and I was helping officiate a glider contest that he was flying in. We met one year, we started dating the following year and he won the third year.
All because of you?
No, he was a great pilot. But I told this woman, I said, "You go out and you do what you love to do and eventually you will find another person who likes to do the same things you do."
Absolutely. I say that -- I used to say that all the time when I was -- for five years with my first book, I worked with women -- I had conferences, I did tell someone the whole nine yards, because I really believed and I was very passionate about the fact that women have the power to make changes that will influence our lives, our children's lives and future generations. And it was really important to me to get that same concept across. I would say that all the time -- stop going to bars because unless you like an alcoholic and that is what you want to do and that makes you happy, okay? Which is not healthy? But unless you are why else would you hang out in a bar, okay? I used to tell them all the time, "What do you love to do? Go do it. If you like wine tasting, join a wine club and now with things like meetup.com and all these organizations that have these events, it is so simple to get involved with these things and meet people all the time. But you are 100% correct because your husband was attracted to you because you were doing something you loved and at that day, probably the first time he saw you, you did not even know he saw you and you were doing what you loved, a big smile on your face, your energy was wonderful and that is what men want. Ladies, if you guys cannot figure this out right now, they do not care about the fake boobs, they do not care about the clothes you are wearing, they do not care how your highlights look, alright, they don't. I know you think they do, but they do not. What they care about is who you are. Are you confident? Are you happy? Do you smile? Do you love life? Are you living your life? This is what men are really attracted to, okay? And the surface stuff, if you have that, if you want that, whatever, if that makes you happy, okay. But you better looks at why it makes you happy. What you need to realize is that a) 100%, Theresa -- if you are doing what you love then you are happy and that turns out all the right vibes to all the right people.
But when you are doing things you think you should do like hanging out in the bar and going on whatever then you are not sending good energy and most of the time it is not effective.
I can tell you with meeting my husband, it was out in the middle of the Nevada desert, no make up, shorts and t-shirts, wind blown, dusty and sunburned.
Right. And you know what? I bet he would tell you, you never looked more beautiful. You know what my husband says? He thinks I am the most beautiful woman when I wake up in the morning. When I have no make up on and my hair is sticking straight out of my head, okay? And he says that all the time to me and he is not the only man that says this. I have other man friends and they say all the time to me and they say, "Lorena, women do not get it. They do not get what we love about you. They do not get what we find attractive." They will find women who are overweight attractive because if that woman covers herself and comes from a place of confidence then that what intrigues them. It is like I...
They're just looking for a partner.
Well yeah. And who wants to be with someone who does not like -- I mean that is the thing -- people got to realize that money and all that stuff, it is inherent. If you haven't __39:50__ that please, money does not buy happiness and it is so true. I mean, trust me. I had money when I was in my first marriage. I did not have to work. I had everything I wanted. I was in a great big house and great big suburban community and I had wherever I wanted whenever I wanted it. I could shop wherever I wanted and yet I was miserable. I now live in a small house with a small closet and I am happier than I've ever been in my life. The things do not matter. The symptoms and the things we paste in front us are unhappiness to make us feel like, "Oh, yeah. Everything's good." If you are willing to be happy, you are going to have to realize that, you may be surprised how well your partner's response to you deciding that -- you know what, that's __40:33__ I am not going to live the shadow of a life anymore and I am going to start -- I used to love to bake, I am going to start baking. I am going to get a job in a bakery and I am going to start doing this. And you may be surprised, just like Andrea in the book was, how sexy men find that?
It is very sexy when a woman is confident.
Guys want to have their passions and guys have their passions. And as women, we have to have our own passion. We have to be who and what we were meant to become and that is what gives us our strength.
Absolutely. Well, I mean, think about it. In the book, Marissa's husband cheats on her, right? And the real strong passage in there when she talks about when she comes to __41:20__ on her own and says, "It is not __41:23__ fault." Cheating is in prevalent and we have a divorce rate of 50%. Cheating and marriages falling apart is prevalent because when a man cheats or a woman cheats -- and they do, so don't even act like men are the only ones that cheat because women cheat, too -- when someone cheats, it is because they are not getting what they need from that relationship and it is not necessarily sex, okay? It is intimacy and nurturing and whatever that person needs, they are not getting and so that means as the partner to that person, you either do not care that they are not getting it or do not know that they need it, or aren't interested in finding out what is going on? And that is the breakdown in Marissa's marriage is that these two people instead of growing together, grew apart because they did not the take the time to figure out with each other that -- they did not take the time to have communication about this what I need and find out -- and that does not mean that if you need different things that you cannot work stuff out but to often when women live the fairytale and they say, "Okay, I'm going to put all my happiness in this man's hands" and then imagine the pressure he is under. Not only does he have to support this world and you have to realize that is men's job in their head and to support the lives they're in...
And they wanted to take care of you?
Yeah of course. I mean all they care about is that you are happy and that you are protected and taken care of. That is men's number one goal and if women think it is any different then you are misguided. I have heard this from too many men to know that that is 100% true is all they really want is for you to be happy. And if they do not care if you are happy anymore is because you guys have already lost that spark. So you have two choices, go find his heart, if it's still there and get it back or decide, "Hey, guess what, we are just going to end up hurting each other so we have to get a way to get through this and it will help this way. Because it takes work to be in a relationship and I think that is what most people forget or they advocate and then what they do is they put all the focus on the kids and then they ignore each other. And then what happens when those kids go away to college and they look at that person and go -- I do not like you anymore. I mean...
In my show, I will tell you what my priorities are and I have had people roll their eyes when I have said this, I am a wife first because that is the role -- that is the relationship I want to last for a lifetime.
It is the relationship that started your being a mother, I mean...
I remember hearing this and I do not remember who was the star who said that and I remember there was a big -- Oh, I know, it was the writer Michael Chabon and his wife and she said something about the fact that, "I'm in love with my husband, I love my children but I'm in love with my husband." And women were up in arms and said, "Oh my God, how can she say that?" Well absolutely, because you know what? Your kids are not meant to live in your house with you until they're 90. They are going to learn stuff and then move on and live their life. But your husband and you, or your partner and you, whoever that may be, are meant to be building a relationship from now again and again and again. So being that person's partner is the most important relationship besides the one with yourself, 100% right.
And then I am a mom and then I am a businesswoman. And that is the way I...
And at times that all jumbles up in the same place at the same time.
Sometimes it takes some juggling and my husband and I sit down with a calendar occasionally and go, "Okay, I've got this going on. You've got this going on." There is a lot of juggling and scheduling and stuff like that but you have to look at it and live it that way and I see so many women who once they have kids, their whole life is just the kid.
They dump their husband, they dump their husband.
Or I see a lot of women who have jobs and their husband and their kids are an afterthought and I just look and like, "Eow...I don't like that..."
Well and that is getting of course who are we to say, everybody has their journey and anyone who has known me or heard me speak or heard me, I used to have a radio show, too, and what I always say, everything happens for a reason, good or bad. And if you are in a place where your life isn't good, then you need to look at why -- you believe me -- you are getting little reminders, you are getting little notes that is like guess what, something's coming up. If you do not start fixing this, we are going to fix it for you. When I lost everything it three years, when my whole life crumbled that was because my marriage had been bad for seven years and I had not done anything about it. I was safe and secure and I figured, "Oh, well. Okay, I'll just keep muddling through." Had I done something about that, perhaps things would have been different but you cannot really change it, __46:32__ do not work. But for sure if you are seeing your life as unhappy and that is one of the reasons why I wrote this book because what is going on with these characters in Beatrice Munson goes on with many people. The circumstances are not so farfetched that you would not associate yourself with multiple characters in this book and understand where they are coming from and seeing Beatrice is -- the name of the book is Beatrice Munson. The story is about these women. And what happens is when someone comes in to their life and says -- like you said, she does not come into the queue, she does not point fingers. She simply supports them and shows them by example how to be a better person and that is the strength of this woman. It is funny, somebody asked me the other day, am I going to write another book, because they want to know more about Beatrice. And I think that some people when they read the book go, "Why is this book all about Beatrice?"
And it's because Beatrice is like the shining light, it is like the cover of the book has all these houses and then one house is Beatrice, there is a light shining from it. And sometimes the person who seems most integral in the story is actually the after is really just the icing because in the meaning of the story is about these women coming to terms with themselves and deciding that what they have is not enough and you could be better and more than they have been.
You know, we have about 11 minutes left but there was a section in your book that I thought had a really powerful message and it was with Marissa and I am not going to give too much. But she had -- you gave hints -- she had odd feelings about her situation that she just kept ignoring, and the situation got way out of hand.
And it is because she kept ignoring that little niggling "there is just something not right here" -- and so you have got to trust yourself. If you got that niggling "something is going on here", you have got to trust yourself.
Absolutely. I am a big believer in trusting your instincts. I think people make their decisions from their heads but they should make their decisions from their heart because your heart is never wrong. And I think anytime you make a decision from your head, you often times regret it and that was obviously the situation Marissa does regret. How many of us have gone through that and honestly, maybe we had to go through that to learn something but I just think to myself if you just pay attention to what you really know in yourself -- but that comes from developing a relationship with yourself where you do trust yourself, and that takes some effort. And most people, are so dissociated from who they are that they do not know that when their self is screaming at them, they do not pay attention, they just ignore it, right? They have done it for so long that it has gotten easy for them to ignore the screaming.
But you have to know yourself and trust yourself.
Absolutely. It's the only way it works.
If you are living from your heart and you are being whom what your meant to be, you know and trust yourself and so hopefully you do not get yourself -- you really kind of surprise me with that little segue in the book.
Good, it was meant to. There are a lot of surprises in this book and a lot of stuff you would never expect to think. When I write on the book what it is about, it means about love and friendship and looking at things in a different way, and drag queens and party slamming. There is a lot of stuff in here, we did not even talk about Jeffery Bennett who is a really great character in this book too because of course we were focusing on the women but one of the things about Jeffrey that I wanted was I wanted people to look and understand that love comes in many forms. And that you have to pay attention and you cannot just count anyone's concept of love because we all know what love feels like and if we understand that and trust that again -- back to trusting yourself -- then you do not care what people say about your relationship with the person that you love and you know -- I am sorry go ahead...
I was going to say Marissa had to let go of a lot of her preconceived notions and look at the possibilities with Beatrice and with Jeffrey.
And with Grayden.
You know the man she falls in love with. She has -- I mean Grayden is this hunky lawyer -- I mean she has __51:36__ the window. I mean you would think, "Oh, no problem" but "Hey, there's a problem with even a guy being really good looking," right?
And not feeling worthy. You cannot look at and have you done this and the questioning and stuff like that is like, "How can he love me? He's so cool. He's got all this money. He's got this great job. How can he love me?"
Of course. Beatrice says and Marissa says just that. This book has a lot of layers to it and I am hoping people are excited to read it and I am even hoping that they read it a couple of times because I have read it many times obviously and I still get different stuff from different characters in this and I read it like I cannot tell how many times, I still cry at the end. So, "ha-ha" a little teaser for you and so maybe I should tell them where they can get the book and all that. You can go to my website, it is www.lorenabbooks.com and all the information about the book is on there but you can also go to amazon.com. If you have e-readers then it is on -- you can find it on Barnes and Noble, Under the Nook, and on The Kindle and then also at smashwords.com. You can get both Happy Beginnings and Beatrice Munson on e-books there. So it is everywhere. You can always write me if you have any questions. If you are a book club and you guys want to do this book, I will give you a deal on books and you just need to contact me at lorena@lorenabbooks and I will give you a whole group deal on the books you pick and then I can either join, if you are local, I will come to your event and if you are far away, we can do a Skype or you guys with the same questions or whatever works for you guys. So I am really excited and hoping that book clubs will embrace this book because I think it would be a great conversation starter for the women and men that are involved in book clubs and I am a big advocate of book clubs. So that as all about me and where you can find me and I am on Facebook and Twitter as well. (Laughs)
Good little promos there. And you know...
I do the sponsors twice.
I am planning on with your book going through and having thinking points. Think about this and some extra journaling that goes along with my Raising Innovation, looking at the different characters and looking at the moment when they got -- when they really started to grasp knowing themselves and you have to know yourself before you can trust yourself. So what was that moment impact characters in this story where the character started trusting herself and letting go of preconceived notions -- okay, I am going to give a little hint here about the book -- every woman in this story started out where they were beige. They all felt that they needed to have their house a certain way, they needed to dress a certain way, they needed to act a certain way, they needed to drive a car a certain way. They quit being themselves and you have to look and so many of us do that. You move into a neighborhood and -- let me say this -- I have seen so many people look at neighborhood and decide to live there deciding what kind of person they want to be. Oh, look, all the women here do this, all the women are stay-home moms and so, "This is the neighborhood I want to live in because all the moms here are stay-home moms." You are looking at fitting into the neighborhood instead of finding a neighborhood that fits you. You are looking for your neighborhood and where you live and the job you have and the school your kids go to as giving you your identity instead of you having your own identity and finding the school, and the job, and the neighborhood that fits you and your identity.
And so in this book you can see where all the women were like that, all the women in this neighborhood, this is the way we dress and this is what we do. This is where we get our haircut done into the -- no, this is who I am and I'll be part of this neighborhood as me instead of being part of the neighborhood as us. Uh-oh, did I lose her? I am going to keep going, hopefully she can call back in. We have about three minutes left but this book, Beatrice Munson, you have to read it and if you want to email me, email@example.com and have a discussion of this book. If you want to call in -- this book, read it, spend some time with it so you get to really know yourself and trust yourself and see the journey of other women. We are on a journey and I think sometimes reading these stories and looking at the characters and this is why I wanted to do the show today is because they're such good characters and you can learn a lot by looking at their struggles, looking at their life. You can learn a lot about yourself and your strengths, and your weaknesses and your opportunities and your possibilities. This book will help you reconnect with you. When I was going through my hard times, early momhood, I put all my energy into being a wife and a mom and left, I folded up everything that made me cool, everything my husband fell in love with. I folded it up and hid it away in my closet and when I was starting to rediscover myself, it was not in the self-help books that I rediscovered myself, it was in fiction. Reading somebody's story and seeing about them and I am going to have to remember Susan Elizabeth Phillips, I think is the author.
She wrote about one of the characters in the book with who I was before I met my husband and scenes that allowed me to reconnect with who and what I was. So Beatrice Munson, Happy Beginnings, I say are must-reads. Now if you have a book or something that you think I should read -- if you want me to interview an author of a book that you have read and has spoken very highly to you like Beatrice Munson does to me, it is a great book. Email me the name of the book and the author and I will set up a show. We will talk about the book because there are lessons every where you look. There are things we need to learn about ourselves everywhere and it is not just in the self-help book, self-help section, it is in the fiction section, it is in the people we meet and the things we do and the experiences we have. So with that, I want to thank you guys for joining us. I want to thank Lorena Bathey for joining us or Lorna -- I always forget how to say her name and I am not good with names -- and go out and be you on purpose.
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It's good to talk.