Our Terms of Use and Privacy Policy have changed. We think you'll like them better this way.

WomenontheVerge

Many years ago when I was at my wits end from too much demand on my physical, mental and emotional energies, my youngest brother sent out unbeknownst to me or my disabled mother a letter to my other 7 siblings, requesting that they pony up and help our mother. In it he probably stated his case badly, but he saw firsthand what it was doing to me, with my every waking moment taken up with the care of our mother and wanted to help.

So off the letter went what followed was a barrage of hate mail to my mother, full of every small slight that they thirty and forty years earlier had perceived as her fault. These letters contained everything from her not stopping my drunken abusive father from stealing their paper route money, to taking away our paper dolls as a punishment and forgetting that she had.

For months afterwards I held her, listened to her and watched her cry. She was broken utterly and completely. You see she had always believed it was us against the world and her world had crashed. She had lived through her first boyfriend taking his own life after finding out his parents were lost in Germany at the beginning of WWII, they were Jewish. The back stabbing of her supposed friends who began spreading the rumor that it was because she was pregnant, that he had committed suicide.  Running off with my father against her parents’ wishes, living without running water or the basic necessities of life and she made a game of it in her head, she played pioneer woman.

To the best of her ability without means to do so she finally left him and raised the last 5 of us single handedly without any support, after one too many attempts on his part to kill or beat her or her children. Was she perfect no, none of us are. Did she do all she could under the worst of circumstances with what she had in her to do yes. Did she deserve the hate that poured out of these letters no.

While listening to her every spare moment over the next months she said the saddest thing I had ever heard her say. “I used to look out this window and I wouldn’t see the parking lot and lamp posts, instead I would only see the trees off in the distance and all would be beautiful, now all I see is the parking lot.”

She loved her children and tried to make amends with them all. It took her till her death bed for some of them.  Others it took me to write them and tell them special things she had told me of them and how proud she was of them and for what things.

I though am still dealing with the onslaught of hurt that these letters caused. Yes I have forgiven them but find it hard to trust them still. I do not tell them of my hurts or my inner life, nor do I share anything that would be possible for them to know me well, thus giving them power over me.

This is probably not particularly a good thing for me but it is self preservation. I love them but prefer to keep it as a support of their needs and at a distance. All I know is I am trying to find the support and love in a community of women that I never had. I am blessed with some of those I have connected with online and I will do everything in my power to be there for them as they have been for me.

I try to keep remembering that no one has the power to hurt me if I do not give it to them. Yet when I care I care with the depth and breadth of me, which unfortunately sometimes leaves me open to hurt. I however will not allow my life to be lost by not loving, supporting and caring even should it mean that I have given trust to the wrong person. I will go out and try again this is what my mother taught me. There finally came a point that she needed more physically then I could give and she made the decision to first go into assisted living and finally in her last year a nursing home. She chose this because she knew that if she didn’t it would kill me. She gave up what she perceived of as her life for me and in support of me so that I could find one.

I believe women should not make judgments without considering the other side. A friend shouldn’t ask another friend to choose between them. Offer support and if you don’t understand then ask.

I miss her.

From Emily's Blog on WomenontheVerge.net

  1. Today's Best
  2. Top Shows
  3. Best of BTR
    1. Loading

      Avengers Age of Ultron First Impression

      Marvel Cinematic Universe Podcast Minicast Age of Ultron Special!

    2. Mayweather-Pacquiao Prediction Day

      Fight fans, the time has finally come. The moment that people never thought would happen is upon us. It is fight week and not only a big fight week, but arguably the most hyped fight week of all time.

    3. All The Gambling Tips You'll Ever Need

      Tony joins Damon to talk about the Mayweather fight, his theory on slots and the oddity of a baseball game in front of 0 fans.

    4. Otherworld Adventures

      We'll remind you “To thine own self be true!” We'll ask does rejection gets ANY easier once you've become successful?

    5. Racials Microaggressions

      This week, Kim Thompson, Stoker, and Kevin Vollmers discuss microaggressions, in particular microaggressions in the racism vein.

    6. So Long, Joe Nathan

      In this week's episode of the Bless You Boys podcast, HookSlide talks Tigers baseball with Rob Rogacki, and chats with Max Rieper of Royals Review.

    7. When My Boyfriend Was A Girl

      They were both looking for love. She is a bisexual woman, he is a transgendered man. What could possibly go wrong?

    8. Ultron Spec Ops is here!

      Hello kids - School is in session. At least for Epic Boss McFall. He gets schooled about the professionalism of the opening, about his lack of knowledge base, and on his dismissal of items.

    9. Racism is no joke!

      Racism is no joke! (until it is) feat Brandon Alexander Johnson

    10. Jordan Spieth's Masters Victory

      Ann recaps Jordan Spieth's remarkable Masters victory and replays classic Sports Innerview shows with Evel Knievel and Jerry West.

    11. ADDiction begins with ADD

      Sean is 22 years old, and is 3 years sober. Sean has an amazing story, including having ADHD, diagnosed as a child, he will share his story related to his ADHD diagnosis, and his addiction.

    12. Murder of A Mafia Daughter

      The Story Behind The Suspicions Robert Durst Murdered Susan Berman-Cathy Scott.

    13. Boxing Champs Make Their Picks

      In this Boxing spectacular, former and current boxing champions make their picks on who would win between Floyd Mayweather and Manny Pacquiao.

    14. Happiness & Authenticity

      Joe is away so Kate is joined by Matt Pavich and Mark DeBonis to talk about the importance of being authentic to your true self.

    15. Shakti Fest 2015

      America's Most Haunted Radio welcomes founder Sridhar Steven Silberfein, kirtan music star Donna De Lory, and renowned yoga instructor Sara Ivanhoe to preview this year's Shakti Fest.

    16. The Travel Summit in Madrid, Spain

      This week Travel Today with Peter Greenberg comes to you from the World Travel and Tourism Council Global Summit in Madrid, Spain.

    1. Loading

      Small Business Unstuck

      Host Barry Moltz gets small businesses unstuck. He has founded and run small businesses with a great deal of success and failure for more than 15 years. This is a business radio show where he shares all the craziness of small business. It’s that craziness that actually makes it exciting, interesting and totally unpredictable.

    2. America's Most Haunted

      Official Internet radio show of forthcoming epic paranormal investigation book by Eric Olsen and "Haunted Housewife" Theresa Argie.