Village Radio  

Being that Akilah and I do so much relationship work, people often ask us what are the biggest challenges to positive relationship building. After getting this question so often I decided to put it in writing for all to see what I feel are the biggest hindrances to building the positive relationships that are desired by so many people. Here they are in no particular order:

Clinging to the past- People have a tendency to want and need to cling to the past. Previous hurts and pain are carried around by people incessantly. The danger is when you cling to the past; you turn your back on the future. The past is gone and any attempt to repeat, relieve or lament it, is a sure way to get stuck in old patterns that you have already outgrown. Clinging to past resentments and hurts will only make fostering positive relationships impossible.

Control is about insecurity. People seek to control a situation when they are feeling threatened. When we put control in charge of out lives, we end up totally rigid. We do not allow for any spontaneity or vulnerability in our lives. Thus, we stifle the creativity that is needed that helps positive relationships develop.

Pessimism- destroys opportunities. When you are negative about the future, you intentionally shape the future. You disrupt the blessings that are there for you by not believing, and certainly positive relationship are difficult to create.

Fighting- is about protecting yourself. It’s like covering yourself in armor. The problem becomes that in this protective stance, no one can get close to you. Your rage just pushes everyone away. A ferocious temper or simmering rage often hides a deep pain, a pain that needs to be protected. There is the belief that if you frighten others away, you will prevent further pain and hurt, and you may, but you’ll also prevent love and positive relationships.

Comparison- is about trying to be something you are not. About envying someone else’s struggle or triumph because it brings them attention. There will always be someone more beautiful or successful than you and more needy and vulnerable than you. The key is not to judge yourself by others, but to see if you are fulfilling your own potential. When we compare we miss the beauty in people and relationships.