The Infidel Show  

Listen to May 24, 2007 show.  McCain comes on at about 16 minutes in.

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Pastorius: Alright, we've got a special guest with us, back again is Senator John McCain of Arizona.  Are you there Senator?

McCain: Hello, Pastorius. 

Pastorius:  Hey, Senator McCain, I’ve got a question for you…

McCain:  Pastorius, I want to go on record, I’ll have you know, I am the only Republican candidate who is opposes the Ultimate fighting championship.  I tell you, when I see these guys in that cage, just kicking the crap out of each other, squeezing each other’s nutsacks and sinking their teeth into each other’s buttoks until blood spurts out, it just makes me want to throw up.

Fu2rman: ha ha, I don’t think it happens exactly like that.

Pastorius: So this is an official policy statement from John McCain, Presidential candidate for 2008.

McCain:  You heard it here first, heh heh heh.

Pastorius: I’ve got a question for you Senator McCain, has it been your experience that…

McCain: Hey Pastorius, I have something else, listen to this first, I was talking to a friend of mine, and I said the Congress was spending money like a drunken seamen, and he said well I am a drunken semen, and that's an insult to drunken seamen!

Fu2rman:  Oh jeez…

McCain: Insult to drunken seamen!

Pastorius: heh heh, yeah, that's a good one, I heard you say that in the debates.  So, can I ask you a question?

McCain:  Go right ahead.

Pastorius:  Has it been your experience that the crazy bitches are the best fucks?

McCain:  Pastorius…

Fu2rman:  You do like drinking the semen.

Pastorius:  Oh, man. 

McCain:  Pastorius, I don’t understand your question.

Fu2rman:  If you like drinking semen, you’re talking about drunken seamen… Oh man, that’s gonna get me in trouble again.

Pastorius:  You don’t know the half of it.

Fu2rman:  He already hates me.

Pastorius:  Anyway, first of all, I wasn't going to have you back on the show, but I agreed to do it as a favor to Ed "Moderate Mouse" Morrisey, the political director of Blogtalkradio, who is a big McCain supporter.

McCain: Oh, Ed Morrisey's a terrific guy, Pastorius.  He's very moderate and middle-of-the-road. He's the kind of guy, you know, for example if his wife wanted him to tie her to the bedpost and fuck her in the ass, he'd say to her, "honey, let's be reasonable. The vagina is a perfectly moderate, mainstream orifice, so why don't I just put it in, I don't know, about 3 quarters of the way in, then I'll sort of rock back and forth for 5 minutes, then we can watch Keith Olberman and go to sleep."

Pastorius: ha ha, yes, Wow, you’re really laying in to Morrisey.

Fu2rman:  I think he meant that as a compliment.

Pastorius:  Was that a compliment or just a statement of fact.

McCain:  He’s a real moderate.

Pastorius:  Okay, that’s a statement of fact.  Morrisey does not believe in being too extreme, it's really remarkable. Anyway, Senator McCain, you've been on the program twice before. I’m glad you do come on in a way, because it helps to raise our profile here at the Infidel radio show.  But the first time, you fell asleep, then you said you were going to fuck me up, or something like that, and the second you came on you told Fu2rman that you would, quote, "rip out his eyes and skull fuck him."

McCain: Well Pastorius, you're taking my words out of context. I am a calm, rational, moderate, reasonable person. Even when they inserted bamboo needles into the shaft of my penis in the Hanoi Hilton, I told them I disagreed with it, but even then I barely raised my voice. Pastorius, the way you're twisting my words, it's just typical of what happens when the power of the media is taken out of the hands of trained professional journalists and put into the hands of bozos like you.

Pastorius:  Bozos?

Fu2rman:  Bozos, what’s up with that?

McCain:  Well, you have no training, no credentials, no nothing. You just sit at home in your pajamas, masturbating to the Spanish channel, eating doritos or cheetos, or cheez-its, or wing-dings, or Vienna sausages, or ramen noodles, or maybe eating Corn Pops straight out of the box – no milk, just straight out of the box with your hand – you know, typing away at your computer with all kinds of conspiracy theories about UFOs and anal probes. You never read anything in the New York Times about anal probes, or people seeing Elvis at the mall.

Pastorius: You know, he went into so much descriptive detail there, I think he has some sort of experience on his own.

Fu2rman:  he definitely has some experience on his own. 

Pastorius:  Well, I mean, I think you misunderstand what the blogosphere is all about. But anyway, we know all about your opinions about Free Speech, from the McCain-Feingold bill. What did you say last time, you said words are powerful weapons and should only be wielded by "word experts"?

McCain: Yes, "word experts."

Pastorius: I love the way he says it, like he’s savoring a fine wine.  You feel good about that idea, don’t you?

McCain:  Words can be deadly weapons, Pastorius.

Pastorius:  Well, I think it's not a coincidence that a lot of the news that matters to conservatives is suppressed in the mainstream news, or the mainstream news spins it in a different way. This is why I have to say, thank God for Michelle Malkin and others like her, who really have the pulse of the blogosphere and are, you know, bringing it to the mainstream.

McCain:  What is your point?

Pastorius: Well, for example, when you turn on the TV and listen to Katie Couric or something, somebody like that, they describe jihadis as "activists" or "militants," or other generic, non-judgmental terms. And they describe this amnesty bill that you just passed as a "comprehensive immigration reform" bill.  And to figure out what a sham it is, you have to read about it on the blogs. The media won't even call it an amnesty, even though that's what it is.

McCain: It is not an amnesty, Pastorius.  The bill is a comprehensive immigration reform, which is exactly what the American people want.

Fu2rman:  I don’t think so.  I don’t think that’s what the public wants.

Pastorius:  Well, if it's what the public wants, how come you're trying to shove it down our throats as fast as possible, before anybody even has the chance to figure out what it says!

McCain: We're trying to pass it as quickly as possible because the public wants it so badly, and we are dedicated to fixing it as soon as possible!

Pastorius: So why did you sit around and do nothing for six years?  Look, this amnesty bill is a sham, ok?  It's not going to fix the basic problem, which is people walking across the open border.  Look, there’s about 15 million people here illegally, right?

McCain: Yes.

Pastorius: And every day thousands more are strolling across the border, right?

McCain: Yes, but Pastorius, they come to do the jobs Americans won't do.

Pastorius: ha ha, yeah, well, that's not really the point, but ok, they do these jobs for like one dollar an hour, which Americans wont do, that’s for sure.  If you didn't have all these extra people, the jobs would have to pay more. That's what the GOP gets out of this racket, it lets them bypass minimum wage laws, on behalf of the corporations. That's why there's this facade that they're going to enforce the law, when in reality they want to keep the status quo.

McCain:  The Congress has been spending money like a drunken semen, except that's an insult to drunken semen!

Pastorius: Yeah, ok. And the Democrats' part of the bargain is, they get to import enough socialist voters and minorities to plug into their race-mongering patronage system, to keep getting Democrats elected. That's their end of the bargain. And guess what? The American public loses. Do you not see the problem? I mean, we have about 15 million people here illegally.

McCain: Yes, it's a problem, and that's the point of this bill. After this they won't be here illegally, they'll be here legally. Problem solved.

Fu2rman:  Oh my God.

Pastorius: Come on, Senator. First of all, every day, even as we speak, there are thousands of people walking across the border. What does this bill do about that? Nothing! It's gonna keep happening, man.

McCain:  You hate brown people. Why don't you and Mitt Romney go grab your varmint guns and just kill all the brown people.

Fu2rman:  That’s ridiculous.  As a matter of fact, both of us date, Pastorius is married to a brown woman, and I’m dating a brown woman, from Mexico I’ll even say. 

Pastorius: That's stupid. It has nothing to do with race, Senator McCain.  Frankly, it's pretty disapointing when Republicans sink to trying to get people to shut up by calling them bigots, that's usually the Democrats' game.  But anyway you're missing the point.  The point is, there has to be a legal process for who can come here or not. And the obvious first step is, stop the flow! I mean, how hard is it to build a fucking wall? We put a man on the moon for God's sake. They built a fucking wall in China like 3000 years ago out of mud and bricks! Build a fucking wall, McCain!

McCain: Pastorius, that's a very harsh and exclusionary attitude. Is that what we really need in our political debate, that kind of harshness-only approach? The GOP needs to be more inclusionary.  What we don't need is this kind of harsh rhetoric from bigots.

Fu2rman:  Here we go again, “bigots.”

Pastorius: Well, let me just say this: this amnesty bill poisons the GOP's chances in 2008. I mean, what do you say to all the conservatives out there who oppose this bill?

McCain: I say to them, "Fuck you, suckers."

Pastorius: A big "Fuck you" to the base, that's terrific, Senator.  How do you expect to get elected if this is your attitude towards the public?

McCain: Well, Joe Sixpack will vote for who the media tells him to vote for, and that's me, ok. The media loves me, Pastorius. They like how I "tell it like it is." I'm a Maverick.  You never know what I'm going to do. Go ahead, ask me a question, I guarantee you have no idea what I’m gonna say.

Pastorius: Ok, um...Who do you think will win the NBA finals?

McCain:  Rhubarb!

Pastorius: ha ha! Ok, that was unexpected.  Ok, what's the capital of France?

McCain:  Wilfred Brimley

Fu2rman:  This guy’s insane.

McCain:  I got the beetis.

Pastorius:  Huh?

McCain:  I got the beetis.  You see, you never know what I'm going to say, and the media loves that!  Oh yeah, hey Pastorius, I've got something I want to say, listen to this: I will follow Bin Laden to the Gates of Hell!

Pastorius: Oh yeah, I heard you say that at the first debate, that was really butch.

McCain: "Gates of Hell!" You hear how my voice is all stern: "Gates of Hell." That shows I'm serious about waging the War on Bin Laden. That's the kind of thing that gets Joe Sixpack all excited, you know these people out there in middle America, with their flags and their pickup trucks, waving their little bibles and watching sporting events.

Pastorius: "The War on Bin Laden." Actually, that is the way the Democrats think of it at least. They think Bin Laden is the head vampire, and if we can just take him out, all the little vampires will sort of wither away.

McCain: Hey, you know, that is a very good analogy, Pastorius. I had not thought of that one. Mind if I use that at the next debate? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Pastorius: Yeah, go ahead.

Fu2rman:  Yeah, please do.  Then everyone will know what an idiot you are.

Pastorius:  How do you think you’ve done in the debates so far?

McCain: I think I did pretty good.

Pastorius: What about when they asked the question about torture. The question was, hypothetically, we capture part of a terrorist cell, and we know for a fact that there's a nuclear bomb that's going to be set off in a US city, and the only way to get the information is by torturing people. The question is, do we torture.

McCain: No Pastorius, we don't torture people.  We find this hidden nuke using technology and bomb-sniffing dogs.

Fu2rman:  Oh, dogs.  Yeah, it’s a small country, we should be able to find it with dogs, no problem.

Pastorius: Yeah, no problem.  Well, you can't change the hypothetical. The question is this: it's a choice etween a nuke going off in a city, or torturing some Muslims. What do you do?

McCain: Well, we don't torture them. Because under the Geneva convention, if we torture them, they can torture us.

Pastorius: Oh yeah, is that what the Geneva convention says?

Fu2rman:  Well, not only that, they already are.  It’s not really an issue.

Pastorius:  Senator McCain. Look what's been going on: we've seen Americans burned alive, strung up from bridges, heads cut off, last summer some US soldiers were abducted, had their genitals cut off and stuffed in their fucking mouths, then dragged behind a truck. The jihadis put this stuff on video, then it ends up on the internet. Then, Muslims in Detroit, London, Paris, all around the world download it onto their cell phones so they can pass it around and laugh about Infidels getting mutilated.  Meanwhile, at Gitmo, we give them thier little prayer mats to kneel on while they pray for our destruction, we give them special food, hypo-allergenic pillows, we let them use our legal system to attack us, we obey their religious laws by not letting any dirty infidels touch their sacred Korans.  But you expect me to believe, if we behave like gentlemen, they will too? Give me a break, that’s bullshit, man!

McCain: Well, if we sink to their level, we justify those kind of atrocities.

Pastorius: So what about the hypothetical: either you torture, or there's a nuke. What's your choice?

McCain: Pastorius, I’ll make it clear.  Torturing people goes against everything this country is all about. Our country was founded on the idea that single every human being on the face of the earth has the right to come to America and set up a homestead where they can work the soil with a pair of strong oxen, all the while getting tortured, and while basking in the glorious fruits of bipartisanship and compromise this great land has to offer.  That is the vision of the founding fathers.  So to answer your question, I would rather see a nuclear bomb wipe out all of New York city than to see one Muslim get waterboarded.

Fu2rman:  That is absurd.  Please say that in a debate too.

Pastorius: Yeah, you know what, you need to make all your ideas clear, to all the American people.  Let me give you a quote, this is from Justice Douglas: "The Constitution is not a suicide pact."

McCain: What the fuck is that supposed to mean?

Pastorius: Forget it. Let me just say, God help us if you become president.

McCain: Fuck you, Pastorius. I got water-boarded in 'Nam.

Pastorius: What did you say?  Fuck you too, McCain! I don't care if you got waterboarded, you'd make a shitty president.

Fu2rman:  The worst president ever!

McCain: Fuck you!

Fu2rman: Fuck you, McCain!

Pastorius:  Fuck you!

McCain: Fuck you!

Fu2rman: Fuck you McCain, we’ve had it with you!

McCain: Fuck you Fu2rman.  Fuck both of you.

Pastorius:  Yeah, fuck you.

Fu2rman: Yeah, fuck off there, McCain!

McCain:  I also want to send out a big "Fuck you" to Mario Lopez from "Dancing with the Stars."  Fuck you, Lopez!

Pastorius:  Alright McCain, that's enough, now get out of here!

Fu2rman: Yeah, get the fuck out, McCain, you’re done.

McCain:  Fuck both of you.  And also I'd like to give a big "Fuck you" to all the listeners at home too.  Fuck all you nappy-headed ho's.

Fu2rman:  Oh man, goodbye!

Pastorius:  Man, what a nut!

Fu2rman:  Why do we keep having that guy?  What are we thinking?

Pastorius:  I don't know, but I'm through with him.  He's finished too, after this immigration bill, there's no way he wins the nomination.  It's over.

Fu2rman: It’s over, done.

McCain:  Fuck you, drink my semen!