The Infidel Show  

Pastorius: All right, we've got a special guest in the studio tonight.  We're here with Royal Marine Captain Christopher Air. We had to pay him 50 dollars, plus we had to buy him Taco Bell and put him up at the nearby Econo-Lodge to get him to do the interview with us.  This is one of the guys that was, you know, kidnapped by the Iranians.  Anyway, I'm sure you're all familiar with the story.  Captain Air was one of the "frightened fifteen", the fifteen members of the British Royal Marines who were held hostage by Iran for two weeks. Hey, Captain Air, how's it going?

Captain Air: Here, all right!

JP: Can I call you Christopher?

CA: Me new name is Khled. That's the name me new mates gave me!

JP: Your new mates gave you the name Khaled.  Anyway, let me get to it.  You guys were in a raft, inspecting a ship, and the Iranian gunboat came up and turned their guns on you, right?

CA:  Right, they did.  They looked right frightening!  We tried to reason with them, but they was very angry!  I don’t know, their economy don’t got no jobs.

JP:  Why didn't you fight back?

CA:  Fightin' back was not an option!

JP:  Ok, so what happened after they took you prisoner?

CA: They lined us up, put blind folds on, and put bags on our heads. I could hear them laughing at us!

JP: Wow, they laughed at you, that must have been tough.

CA: Right, and one geezer kept flickin the back of me neck with his
fore-finger and thumb, he did!

JP:  Wow.

Fu2rman:  Well you can thank God they didn't give you a swirly at least, I heard that happens to prisoners of war sometimes.

JP:  ha ha, yeah, or wedgies.  I heard John McCain got a wedgie in Vietnam, ha ha.

F2:  It was actually an Atomic wedgie.

CA:  And they called me Mr. Bean! It was bleedin' terrifyin', it was!

F2:  Well that’s pretty mean.

JP:  Yeah, if somebody called me Mr. Bean, I don’t know.  That sounds like a harrowing experience.

F2:  I think I would have punched him for that.

CA: One time at University, it was rugby, and I got knocked to the turf and had me head trod in the scrum. This was even worse than that!

JP: I bet.

F2:  It was worse than the game, imagine that.

CA: Next thing is, they told us we had to say things about Britain or else.

JP: Or else what?

CA: I don't know, or else. They sounded serious, they did.

F2:  He didn’t ask.

JP: Ok, so what happened next then, Christopher?  Oh, Khaled sorry.

CA: They turned the cameras on me, they had their video cameras on and I stood up and said how Britain is shite, and the Royal Marines are wankers, and how Jesus Christ can suck the bollocks of the Prophet Mohammed, peace be upon him, and how the Queen Mum has got a crusty old minge an all that, an I was sorry for being in the Iranian water in the first place, innit?

JP: I'm going to play a clip, Khaled. Hold on, I want you to listen to this.  Do you mind if I call you dude, Khaled?

CA:  All right.

Winston Churchill:  We shall fight in France, we shall fight on the seas and oceans, we shall fight with growing confidence and growing strength in the air, we shall defend our Island, whatever the cost may be, we shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills; we shall never surrender.

JP: So Khaled, do you recognize that speech?

CA: fightin on the beaches an the streets, I donno wot, it's some Jackie Chan shite, innit?

JP: ha ha, Jackie Chan.

F2:  That’s almost blasphemous.

JP:  No kidding man.  Here, how about this. I'm gonna read you
something else:

JP: "War is an ugly thing, but not the ugliest of things. The decayed and degraded state of moral and patriotic feeling which thinks that nothing is worth war is much worse. The person who has nothing for which he is willing to fight, nothing which is more important than his own personal safety, is a miserable creature and has no chance of being free unless made and kept so by the exertions of better men than himself."  Do you recognize that? I'll help you out, it's John Stewart Mill. Does that ring a bell?

CA: Oh, right, John Stewart, the geezer what reads the news, innit!

JP:  ha ha, not John Stewart.  Okay, look.

F2:  I’m gonna walk over there and start flicking the back of your neck in a second.

JP:  Ready?  Now here's something I want to talk about real quick.  When you guys were being held, and you were giving your videotaped statements, there was a lot of criticism of how you all seemed to flip over so easily, you know, without being tortured or anything, and how...

CA:  they flicked me neck!

JP:  what?

F2:  Yeah, apparently you really don’t like that.

CA:  I said already, he flicked me on the back of me neck with his fore-finger and thumb, he did!

JP:  ha ha, right.  Anyway, we're about out of time, so I'll leave it at that.

F2:  Hey, I want to know about those goody-bags you guys got. You guys got some gifts.

JP:  Yeah, what was in the goody bags?

CA:  We all got little bags full of Stephen Hawking’s pubic hair, we did!

JP:  Well, thanks for stopping by, Captain Khaled.

CA:  When do I get me money?

JP:  What?  Oh right, yeah we're going to send you a check.

CA:  90?

JP:  We agreed you would do the interview for 50 dollars.

CA:  Was not!  It was 90!

F2:  It was 50.

JP:  Well, I don't want to get into an argument about it.
 
F2:  Just pay the bastard.

CA:  Look here, I'm not leaving til I get me bleedin money!
 
JP:  All right, well if you want more money, you have to earn it.  Say your mother's a whore.

CA:  Me mum's a whore!

JP:  ha ha!  Ok, here, let me get my wallet...Ok, here's 100 bucks, keep the change.

CA:  A right dirty whore, she is indeed!

JP, F2:  ha ha

JP:  Hey Captain Khaled, how much if you lick my shoes?

CA:  I dunno, 40 dollars?

JP:  Ok, that’s a deal.

F2:  Oh my God!

JP:  Oh my God, he's licking my fucking shoes right here in the studio!  Ha ha!

F2:  ha ha!

CA:  Not lickin your shoes was not an option!

JP:  All right, get out of here Captain Khaled, go to the fucking airport and get the fuck out of here.  Maybe you can surrender to the cab driver on the way out because I’m sure, well I don’t know.

F2:  what a nut.

JP:  What the hell happened to the British Army man?

F2:  I don’t know, this is pathetic, what happened to "stiff upper lip" and all that.

JP:  Churchill is not just spinning in his grave, he’s a fucking gyro.

F2:  No kidding.

CA:  The Queen mum is a nappy headed bleedin ho!

JP, F2:  Get him out, get him out!