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I talk . That should be all you need to know, but I'll have more topics.
We're being invaded by hair mites, tuberculosis, scabies...they're attached to kids and gangbangers from central america.
Palestine vs. Israel...the kid with rocks, throws it at the man with the baseball bat and gets mad when he defends himself.
ISIS is now IS. IS someone going to bomb them back to the ice age? IS someone going to kick them dead in their asses?
Houston gunman faints in court. What did you expect from an unstable individual? He'll be electrocuted, or given a lethal dose pretty soon.
Most important news of the day...LeBron goes back to Cleveland. Um...so fucking what.
"Glee" is a death sentence. If you are cast in it, you will end up all shirveled up like the people who watched the video in The Ring.
Obama says, "I don't do photo ops," is then photographed at a barbecue. Flip-flopping liar in chief.
Why do the French have the worst breath? I work with the public, and sometimes it's hard to keep a straight face when someone talks to you thisclose with breath that smells like burnt ear wax and fish guts.
Should men return used underwear like women return used blouses after a night at the club?
I ALWAYS reply, when I get a "do not reply" email. I love pissing people off.
Tourettes is just an excuse to curse in church, while making the kids laugh.
Israel has this thing about destroying hummus...I say leave it alone, especially the garlic flavored.
Black people: Stop trying to "free" some rapper.
White people: Crack is not the new "skinny pill."
Nancy Pelosi has stated that Hammas is a "humanitarian organization." I'll just leave that alone for the moment.
I haven't crused yet...maybe because I'm trying a new vegetarian diet. Pray for my meat-craving soul!
Just seeing if you're paying attention...because we all have ADD.
Michael Sam...the first openly gay active football player, is in the news regarding his showering habits. There's nothing wrong with exfoliating, pumice stone, and lavender body soap...is there?
ISIS, or IS, is always in the news. They chop more heads than a butcher at a chicken processing plant.
9 year old gilr in Arizona, accidently shoots and kills her instructor, with a fulll automatic uzi. Yeah, I have no more words on why a 9 year old girl was firing an automatic uzi.
There was more talking at the gym than working out...so I started talking to myself by yelling, "EYE OF THE TIGER!"
The gym machines smell like butt...and so do I.
David Chase says Tony Soprano isn't dead after all...good news for James Gandolfini's bones, if there ever want to do a follow-up movie.
iPhone 6 is coming out. Nerds and black market dbags are lining up already.
Hey, how's the workweek going? Summer is in full bloom!
Back at the gym after a ton of years, and clothes have gotten smaller...on the men.
Are people still watching any of those Scared Straight shows?
How are the riots going? Proof is coming out that there was a struggle and the shooting was justified, HOWEVER, never let a good tragedy go to waste.
A new American gets his head cut off, and the British PM spoke up before the President did...what's that tell you?
Ice bucket challenge...the most dumbest thing. Just write a check to ALS and be done with it!
Do the jihadis have a faled suicide bombing hotline?
Do you watch docs? Great material in someone else's pain and misery.
Is there a family or community of people who talk like the voicebox?
Do they all wear crooked ski masks or bandannas?
Meth always makes white people look like toothless wicked witches, or dried apples.
And not to clown people who's teeth fall out naturally due to genetics...I'm talking about the people who smoke them out.
Hobos and bums make hundreds a day begging for drug money. SO...those of you who are against drugs, but pity the poor and give them money, YOU are keeping the drug trade flowing.
Why do police on tv talk like athletes being interviewed after a game?
Watch those people asking money for gas...they have enough gas to get to their dope dealer.
Gee, are you against guns and seem to compare gun lovers with small penises? What is your fetish with anti-guns and small penises?
Women shoot heron into their boobs too.
Is that plane still missing or has the media glorified ANOTHER nut job with a stolen firearm, that had just finished shooting at people in a gun-free, gun-strict state/city/zone?
The great Robin Williams is gone...nothing more needs to be said.
Anyone notice that Lauren Bacall also passed away? Probably not.
Now we've sent special forces into Iraq to kick IS ass. I guess we have a love affair with Iraq and kicking ass.
Football season is coming...and Valentines Day is hot on it's tail.
Women were all bonkers over Idris Elba and what they thought was his enormous johnson. Turns out, it was a microphone wire wrapped around his leg. HA HA! Ladies, calm your tits.
Ok, so an unarmed, black young man was senselessly gunned down in Furgeson, MO., by the police. Everyone seems to know what they saw...people are coming out of the woodwork. However, would they do the same if it was a young black man shooting another black man to death? Probably not. Just playing devil's advocate. Regardless, shooting an un-armed person with his hands in the air, is senseless and wrong.
It's National Breastfeeding Month...whip them out, ladies!
Summer is in full swing...and so is back to school! If I had kids, I would rejoice. I don't have to buy the little shits ant clothes like some of you parents.
What's news? Same shit, different week.
Jay-Z and Beyonce are in town for their "On The Run" tour.
Football is back...and women are now ignored again.
I change the way I talk around certain people.
I'm tired of the "no homo," and the "at the end of the day" cliches.
Black churches sing prayers to God, white churches just kind of non chalantly ask for shit.
I'm the Mike Tyson of comedy...the coked up, creepy, rapey, eat children Mike Tyson.
Today...I do my show from my shower.
Why are people so against hummus lately? I think it tastes great!
If your girl wants a threesome with two guys...buy a Jeff Dunham puppet!
Finished somewhere in the bottom 5 at the comedy show last Saturday...makes me want to get better at my day job.
Another Maylasian airplane goes down...this time getting shot down. I'm gonna travel by boat from now on.
Is R.J. Mitte doing anything new these days? I heard he was doing a biopic of the man who's the world's fatest talker.
I'm naked as I type this...clothes are for suckas.
What would my grandmother say if she heard my foul fucking mouth?
Horny bitches get the new movie, 50 Shades Of Grey, coming soon to theaters. Meanwhile, guys get the new "FleshLight." Supposed to feel like the real thing, minus the constant nagging.
Another Malaysian airplane has an episode. Obama said a few words, not much else.
I cought a snippet of the new Mike Tyson rap song.
Are police really that needy?
So...Hamas shoots rockets at Israel, Israel responds. Hamas pushes kids and young adults in the line of fire, then blames America for the deaths...see something wrong here?
Does any Mexican kid know what it's like to be an only child? They usually stop then they have a boy...after having 4 girls.
Why is there always someone in a band who has to go down a blaze a glory, when they get kicked out?
I'm off! So let's get together and have a few laughs and discuss how are Monday was!
My neighbor is listening to online tejano music, with the commercials in English.
Pimp slaps hoe on Market Street...nothing unusual.
Whi is it when I impersonate someone, other people laugh and sgree that it's a spot-on job. But when I impersonate them, they think it's shitty and disagree?
Did we ever find that plane yet?
Some girls in Nigeria were kidnapped by a bandito outfit, who MoveOn.org tried to declassify as a terrorist organization. And then they go an do this...wow.
Happy that the ban guns thing has slowed to a crawl. Let someone try to invade America...especially when I'm on the shitter.
The Benghazi thing is heating up huh?
Still looking for that plane?
Yeah, around the world, the pride parades were going on. And low and behold, San Francisco had some bouts of violence mixed in...how nice.
Teens were dressed with ass cheeks hanging out. How did I know they were teens? My co-worker seemed to be the expert on what teens look like and what they wear...maybe he's a pedo.
Advertisers were out in force. Pride isn't about "pride" anymore, it's about money. And an excuse for people from all colors, relegions, creeds, sexual orientations, to dress as slutty and tastless as they can.
Thank God for my notes app...otherwise, I would forget all my damn jokes and be boring.
It's as hot as balls out and not getting cooler.
Seifeld has comedians in cars...I have comedians in comas! We don't say shit!
Been trying to schedule this damn show for about an hour now, finally got it done!
Tonoght, I talk bullshit about people who take vacations, and want to Facefucktime or WhatsApp with their people back home.
Stupid ass people news again...time to give them some of my Sicilian shit!
OH...Italy got knocked out of the World Cup, because of a damn bite! YES...the Uraguaians or however the hell you spell it, are cannibals.
Red Dragaon was an awesome fucking movie...juicy?
What if Dennis Haysbert were having sex...would he sound just like the commercials?
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