The Crime Advocate Speaks  

Dear…….. 

We need to talk. I’ve been sitting here thinking about what I was going to say and when I was going to say it, but then  Jill Scott’s song kept playing in my head “I’m living my life like its golden” and then it finally came to me.  There is no better time than the present.  I know it’s our anniversary and everything and I truly had a wonderful time at dinner but I want a DIVORCE!

Now, I know this might come as a surprise to you that I’ve actually gotten up the nerve to let the words come out of my mouth, but I mean we both know what has been going on for some time now.  You’re not happy and frankly neither am I.  We don’t even like each other and love walked out the door a long time ago.  We stopped making love and started having sex after every fight which became more frequent then the love we were making.  I was hot, it was fast and it was hard, usually just like the punches to my face, kicks stomach and thrust to my back.  The make-up I use to wear to accentuate my beauty then went to cover up my scars.  The turtle neck sweaters that I loved to wear became the cover for the bruises that I bore.  I went from high heels for sex appeal to flats for traction, just to run away from your ass every time you felt the notion to jump on me.   And I know we didn’t have a fight tonight but…I still want a DIVORCE!

It didn’t take long for me to rewind the camera in my head to realize that I stopped recognizing the people in the pictures a long time ago.  You looked, sounded and acted like someone that was such a stranger to me and yet there was something so familiar about you.  I began to wonder, who I was to stay with someone who treated me this way.  Why I thought this was okay and when did I stop loving me?  There were so many questions running through my head that I almost couldn’t answer them.  So here it is.  I just wanted you to know that I’ve had enough and I want a DIVORCE!

I’m not going to wait another year, another month, another day or even another second to start living my life.  I deserve to be happy.  I’m going to be happy and no matter what you say, it’s over. I’m leaving you and I’m going to get my own stuff and take the kids and move on.  I’m no longer your punching bag.  I want a DIVORCE!

This is a note that was found amongst the belonging of a domestic violence homicide victim.  She had written down everything that she wanted to say to her husband/abuser but never got the chance.  On the night that she was to talk with him, he took her to dinner, brought her home and murdered her in front of their children before taking his own life. He found the letter the day before.  He always knew that there would be no divorce! She always thought that there would be enough time for her to leave!  His last words!  This is as close to a DIVORCE that you will ever get.

MY COMMENTS ON SERENA WILLIAMS

I have a friend who does a blog and she’s also a diversity specialist…I asked her to give some paper time to Serena Williams just as we recently did to Tiger Woods….so she honored my request…Thank you Bettina Byrd-Giles for making it do what it do!

Here’s the questions portion of her blog and my response:

So when one has been completely dominate, played by the rules, ignored all the comments, glances and silent treatment in the locker rooms, is she free to lose control? Did Serena lose control? Is her fine severe? On top of that, she had a wardrobe malfunction. Will this incident hurt her image?

Oh Bettina, thank you so much for this opportunity….I was just about to have a malfunction of the brain waiting to comment on this topic.

The Williams sisters! Well what can be said about them but YEAH!!! YEAH!!! Now that’s what I’m talking about. It was almost 9 years ago, and I was literally fighting for my life, and the life of my now almost 9 year old daughter laying in a hospital bed, where doctors were trying to keep me alive, while at the same time telling me to get my affairs in order. I had three infectious disease doctors, 9 OB-GYN doctors (the entire practice), the largest room on the maternity ward, chemotherapy medicine running through my veins, and the Williams sisters, playing the court like you have never seen urbanites hit the ball before. (And this time the game was TENNIS…the road less traveled)

Their power gave me power, and watching the intensity of the tournament literally and figuratively kept me fighting. My doctors, most of whom were white, spent countless hours by my bedside, watching the games, bringing me the magazines and keeping me updated. I appreciated them as family not only because of the measures they were taking to save my life but because we were having honest conversations about race and tennis. I mean if these young girls could go through what they did, excel in a sport where faces of color didn’t reign except for a small few, I was sure going to live long enough to see them kick some butt on the court. WHEW!!!! I just had to get that out, now back to regularly scheduled programming.

The isolation of the tennis world for these two black beauties was obvious but not unexpected; they never gave you anything but heritage in their hair, pride in their stance, expertise in the game and professionalism when they addressed a media that was more than curious because “black kids” CAN’T play tennis like that. White mainstream liberal America, gave them the “how dare you think you are even close to being as good as our princesses” and the ever underlying “whose ya daddy?” comments never missed the gut. Although the arena engaged them on a national spectrum, America athletes have been seen by the world as over indulged, arrogant and self-righteous, and with the likes of “colored” skin people bringing game to the game of tennis which rarely is seen and let alone with this type of skill. So there’s an added punch!

Did Serena lose control? I don’t know if she lost control as much as she may have just had her fill of being the best, giving her all, and once again placing the made in America stamp on the game. All the while, almost a decade later, still not getting the respect she and her sister deserve. Was she mad, absolutely! She was sick and tired of being sick and tired, so for some that may just be losing control. But when you’ve been backed in a corner enough times and ducked, dodged and said okay let me reason with you, one of those times you’re apt to come out swinging and this was her time.

Now after saying all of that, I don’t necessarily agree with what she said, however since I’ve been there before, I can understand why she finally “expressed” her. I think her fine is severe, over the top and once again she is being controlled with the one thing that is used continuously to control black America and that’s money! Take it away Bob, give them high profiled media attention when “they” act like we know “they” really are, and always attach the comment “I think this is going to hurt their career tremendously, going forward” and the other good one “there have been rumors in the past of this type of behavior”.

And what’s your point?  If you want to blame it on something and give it a name, let’s call it PTSDB (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder for being Black)!! She lost control! Okay there it is, but give me a break with the excessive fine syndrome, a reasonable fine yes, sit her on a couch, give her some counseling and explain to her why nice women like her shouldn’t have a dirty mouth because children are watching and of course they have never been exposed to this type of behavior. (ha ha ha) As you call her ever name in the book while your children sit and soak it up. And the urbanite kids, okay this is your first lesson on how not to handle yourself in public, even though you are the best of the best but you are never good enough. You can go from being an ICON to JUST BLACK in 60 seconds and forget all of the good you have done, and how you have shown you can do so much more. You are more than just being an athlete you can even bring your A game to the business arena, and build an empire. Because when it comes down to it the “green” speaks! Control the money, control the image that you want to give them, and of course even if it’s an isolated incident make sure that it sticks long and hard enough to control the first.

For those who didn’t like her, they already had a negative image of her and were just waiting for something to happen (and it did) for them to say SEE, SEE, we knew “those” people were going to act like that. For those who supported and respected her, some of them may be disappointed; there will be those who wished she would have continued to maintain that face that must be put on in your life to please others no matter how good you are. For others they will understand that she had her fill, she’s still an exceptional tennis player but most of all she is still a good person who will always be black first, a black woman second, a exceptional black tennis player third but a human being with shortcomings always

By the way…some people may ask why my post focused a lot on race, and for clarity, because when you are black, you are always that first and whatever else is secondary, and to say otherwise is to MINIMIZE, BLAME and DENY what the reality of life truly is. This is not a broad stroke comment for all people of color, but if you have ever had an experience you know there’s a difference when you go from being black to living while black.


Sunny Slaughter
BLACK WOMAN, Mother, Activist, Writer
Copyright © December 6, 2009