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  Date / Time: 7/3/2009 5:55 PM UTC

  Headlines
  

  As is my usual routine, when my attention span began to be challenged by the recording process, I checked out the news, only this time, for a change of pace, I decided to just translate the headlines instead of actually reading the articles (that stuff's overrated anyway). I figure if talk-show hosts can get away with it, so can I. Let's see what we can come up with (the names of articles will precede their respective translations):
  
  - Brazil Calls Off Search for Air France Survivors
  
  ---"We hope you're sufficiently distracted by other world news now so as not to ask any more nosy questions about this extremely suspicious incident"
  
  
  
  - Jenny Sanford: 'I'm Willing to Forgive'
  
  --- "As a Christian woman, I have no self-respect and absolutely no concept of consensual sex"
  
  
  
  -North Korea Unwilling to Talk, Says British Envoy
  
  ---"Hey, why do we have to sit at the kids' table?"
  
  
  
  -Air India Employees Strike to Protest Delayed Paychecks
  
  ---"So now, instead of just nicely asking workers to labor without pay, airlines are just withholding it. Super. You know, it used to be that when a company suffered losses, they just laid people off (and we all thought that was the most depressing fiscal cut they could make); seems like those were the good old days, weren't they?"
  
  
  
  -Colin Powell 'Concerned' About Obama's Agenda
  
  ---"Whatever. Another no-longer-in-office Republican unhappy with a Democrat president still enjoying enormous support and popularity; that ain't news. Politics as usual, and even though Colin Powell is an intelligent, reasonable, and thoughtful man, he still plays the game and his opinion isn't the most relevant I can think of these days."
  
  
  
  -CNN Poll: Half of all Americans are Michael Jackson Fans
  
  ---I had the same reaction upon hearing this that I had when told at age 13 that the average teenage male thinks about sex about once every 8 minutes; I was like, "Really? That's all?"
  
  
  
  -Fox News: U.S. Green Berets are working to mentor and support Afghan Special Force soldiers — code-named Commandos — and competition to become part of the better-equipped, elite fighting force is grueling.
  
  ---"So we went from Al-qaida to Commandos. Awesome. Anyone want to point out any significant differences, besides one group praying towards Mecca at sunset and another pledging allegiance to a flag under a god? How about razing villages to the ground, killing women and children? Nope, all parallels there, Jack."
  
  
  
  -Teacher Puts Sex Clip of Self on Students' DVD
  
  ---"Now THAT is news worth reporting"
  
  
  
  And finally, the best story today so far (and I'm being serious on this one):
  
  -Rogue Trades Blamed for Year-High Oil Spike
  
  ---It's about [expletive deleted] time people started figuring this out (and I found this on a mainstream site); there is absolutely NO reason for the price of oil to be rising; OPEC and Venezuela are struggling to DECREASE supply without much success against a plummeting global demand. Even the most pedestrian of economic courses will teach one that the price of oil is NOT being controlled by supply and demand right now. If it were, we'd be seeing even lower prices. The issue here is companies (and not even the ones indicted on fraud as mentioned in the story) and investors buying stock and futures in oil as a hedge against inflation and on the assumption that we will continue to use it as a global economy for the next half-century or so; they're well aware that the planet's fossil fuel supply is running thin, and they're merely making what profit they can (and securing their children's trust funds while they're at it) while they're still able.
  
  Wake up folks; the only reason ANYONE discourages renewable energy is simply because it's just not as profitable as something that is finite. Plain and simple. If you don't benefit off Ben Stein's oil futures, why in the world would you support a school of thought that is tailored strictly to profit off the uninformed and uneducated?
  
  Ok, so I actually put some thought into that last one. And I did read that article. Back to the six-string for me.
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