On Point For Love  

A Rosee Response To The Proof There Is No Santa

Anyhow, this ITT graduate goes on to add, “At an average census rate of 3.5 children per household, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming there is at least one good child in each house. Why does he divide by 3.5 children? I don’t know anyone who has half a child. And since Mormons and Catholics make up a good deal of the Christian population, the average number of kids per household should really be bumped up to five. Now we’re also assuming that there’s at least one good kid in each household. Doesn’t this mad scientist realize how bad behavior rubs off your siblings? Santa keeps a naughty list. He’s a disciplinarian. That means out of the 66 million homes he could visit [which you get when you divide 333 million kids by 5 kids per household], Santa visits 33 million, or half, at best.

Now, this Suma Cume Laude Scientist asserts that it works out to 967.7 visits per second. He adds that Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park his sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stocking, distribute the presents under the tree, climb back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and move onto the next house. Do I need to tell you why this man should never be allowed to do your taxes? First off, he’s starting with the wrong numbers. If you divide 33 million homes by 31 hours, accounting for time zones you realize Santa only visits 1.06 million homes in an hour; 17,666 homes each minute; and 294 homes each second. But that’s not what matters here. Santa hires elves and mall Santas. So clearly he’s not above out sourcing. That means, assuming that Santa has 18 million employees, a number I chose because his operation must be at least as big as Wal-Mart. Of those 18 million, assuming one third are elves, one third are mall Santas and the rest of employees of UPS looking for holiday work on the side: there are six million employees to divide those 33 million visits among.

Here’s where the math guy starts to get absurd. This math a magician assumes that each of Santa’s 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth. So, we’re now talking about a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops or breaks. Doesn’t this man se where he hath erred? Men don’t take bathroom breaks. I know what you’re thinking all those milk and cookies? Yeah, well Santa feeds the milk to the reindeer and re-gifts the cookies for kids who accidentally go left off his list. Now this man’s logic gets kookie as he assumes that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second or 3,000 times the speed of sound. Where do you think this man studied his aviation facts? If I use my numbers his sleigh is really moving 56 miles per second or 240 times the speed of sound. I’ve driven cars that fast! And what this guy forgets is that it’s a magic sleigh. Pulled by reindeer. That’s like 200,000 horsepower, but with antlers for a little extra kick. The normal laws of physics don’t apply.

Now this mad scientist adds: Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized LEGO set weights two pounds, the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousands tons, not counting Santa himself. Don’t this man realize that’s why everybody gets gift certificates? When have you ever gotten a gift certificate that weighed two pounds? That’s why naughty kids don’t get coal any more. It weighs the sleigh down. This psychotropic physicist adds that 600,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second would heat up the reindeer like a spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would adsorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second. This man would be laughed out of any respected physics class. Isn’t it obvious why?

He’s overestimating the force of reentry because he didn’t take the reduced weight of the gift cards into his equation. If the shuttle was carrying gift cards instead of artificial satellites it could do a double back summersault before reentry and not burn up during reentry. In short, this Pulitzer Prize winner for utter nonsense adds, the reindeer would burst all into flames. So, do you see why this isn’t true? Clearly the reindeer are all wearing asbestos vests prepared by NASA. Yes it’s not goof for their lungs. And, it’s part of the reason Rudolph’s nose glows such a bright red. But, despite Osha’s objections it keeps the kids happy 365 days a year.

Finally, our Nobel dumbbell adds as a result of accelerating from a dead stop to 650 miles per hour in .001 seconds, Santa would be subjected to acceleration forces of 17,000 g's. As a result, a 250-pound Santa would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4.3 million pounds of force, instantly crushing him to a quivering blob of pink goo. Have you ever heard such a huge leap of logic as you heard there?