shalonalamos  

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“911 what’s your emergency?” the operator asked.
“It’s my daughter Tiffany! I just came over and found her unconscious in her bed! Please send someone over here right away! She can’t die!” Tiffany’s mother cried hysterically.
“Ma’am, I need you to calm down. What’s the address there?”
“Hold on, let me find something with the address on it.” Tiffany’s mother ran into the kitchen and found a letter with her address on it. “Okay, I found it. The address is 2792 Edgewater Way, Apt 2.”
“Okay, now is your daughter breathing?” Tiffany’s mother placed her hand over her mouth and nose to feel for air. Nothing...
“No! She’s not breathing! Oh Lord, she’s not breathing! You have to hurry! She can’t die! Please hurry!”
“Ma’am, we are getting there as fast as we can. I need you to calm down. Do you know CPR?”
“No!”
“That’s okay, I can walk you through it. Tilt your daughter’s head back and lift her chin.”
“Okay.”
“Now check and make sure nothing is blocking her airway. If there’s nothing there, hold her nose shut, cover her mouth with yours, and give two breaths.”
“Okay, I have to put you on speaker phone.” Tiffany’s mother put the phone on speaker and placed it on the bed next to her. She put her mouth over hers and gave her two full breaths. “Now what else do I do?” she asked.
“Place your hands one on top of the other on her chest between her breasts. Push down thirty times to a depth of about two inches, at the rate of about two seconds.” Her mother counted aloud until she reached thirty. “Now give her two breaths again and thirty more chest compressions.” Tiffany’s mother continued to perform CPR until the paramedics arrived, then she stepped to the side and let them take over. She continued to cry and pray as the paramedics tried to revive Tiffany.
“Lord, I know my daughter has done some things that were wrong but she is trying to change. Lord, please don’t let her leave this Earth without the opportunity to show You that she can do better. Lord, please save Tiffany, don’t let her die. Give her another chance to show You that she will put You first and will overcome this addiction she has. In Jesus name I pray. Amen.”

*****
Before I went to bed my mother called me into her bedroom. At first I was scared she found out I was in her make up earlier that day when she left me alone to go to the store. When I didn’t see the belt sitting next to her on the bed, I knew she hadn’t figured it out and I prayed she never would. My mother had already warned me on more than one occasion that if she ever found out that I went in her stuff without asking, she would beat the black off me. I didn’t understand how you could do that, but I wasn’t about to find out so I made sure I put everything back exactly as I had found it so she wouldn’t suspect anything.

My mother was lying in her bed with her favorite black nightdress on. It was long and sheer. She wore her matching bra and panty set underneath. Her hair was neatly combed straight and reached the middle of her back. Her skin was a few shades lighter than mine and her eyes were light brown. She had freckles placed perfectly on her cheeks, giving her an innocent look. My mother was beautiful. One of my mother’s men friends must have been coming over later because that was the only time she put on one of her most revealing nightdresses and wore her hair down.

“Yes, mommy, you called me?” I asked, as I stood at the foot of her bed.
“Tomorrow Ms. Yvette is bringing her boys, Tony and Wade, over to stay while we go out. I know you haven’t met them before but I want you to be on your best behavior. Be nice and make sure you share your toys,” she said, while getting up to light the candles around her bedroom.
“Yes ma’am, I will,” I said. I really wasn’t up to sharing my stuff. I was the only child and never had to share any of my things except for when my aunt Kelly came over. She was my aunt but I am ten months older than she is. She always tried to steal my dolls so I hated when she came over to visit.
“Tony is eight, the same age as you, so ya’ll should have a lot in common. You know the rule. Don’t let them get you in trouble. You understand me?” she said.
“Yes ma’am, I promise I will be on my best behavior,” I said with a fake smile on my face. I really wasn’t up for entertaining Ms. Yvette’s sons, but who knew; maybe they would be fun to play with.
“Okay, go on and go to bed. I have company coming over in a little bit,” she said as she sprayed some perfume on her body and around the room.

The next day when Ms. Yvette arrived with her sons, part of me was excited; it wasn’t often that I had someone to play with. I always looked forward to Saturdays because it was the day Mother and Ms. Yvette would leave and I’d be home alone until almost midnight. But, I’d often be afraid to be left alone because I would hear noises all throughout the house. Every squeak and crack would cause me to run into my bedroom and hide under the covers until they came back.

One Saturday I asked my mother why she couldn’t get my aunt to watch me while she went out.
“Mommy, why can’t Aunt Susan watch me when you go out?” I asked one Saturday, as she was getting dressed.
“Because your auntie won’t watch you for free and I don’t want to pay her. That’s my club money. Plus, you’re a big girl. You can watch yourself.” She had a point, I was a big girl and I never got into any trouble while she was away.

When the boys arrived, I saw that Tony was much taller than me. He was very skinny, like the poor kids you see on TV in Africa. I wanted to fix him a grilled cheese sandwich as soon as he walked through the door. I could tell he had been playing outside before he came over because he had dirt all over his clothes. I couldn’t tell the last time he combed his hair because his little afro was matted to his head. Wade, who was five, was a chubby little thing. He reminded me of the Pillsbury Dough Boy.

Tony and Wade seemed to be shy at first, but as soon as our parents left they began arguing over what cartoon we were going to watch. Wade wanted to watch Bugs Bunny and Tony wanted to watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. I didn’t care for neither of the cartoons they wanted to watch and since it was my house, I turned to Strawberry Shortcake. Both of the boys whined about how they didn’t want to watch a girly cartoon, but I didn’t care.

While we sat on the floor watching cartoons, Tony began rub-bing on my hand. I wasn’t sure if that’s what kids did when they watched TV together, but I noticed he wasn’t rubbing Wade’s hand. When I moved my hand back, he reached over and started rubbing on it again. I pulled my hand away again, but this time I placed it in my lap. After Strawberry Shortcake went off Tony suggested that we go play hide and seek.

“Not it,” I said before anyone else did.
“Not it,” Tony shouted, leaving Wade to be the one to find us.

Tony and I whispered to each other about places to hide. I told him that we could hide in the laundry room, my mom’s closet, or in my room under the bed. Tony told me that he wanted to hide in my mom’s closet and I told him I was going to hide in the laundry room. I really wanted to hide in my mother’s closet because I could cover myself with the pile of clothes that she always kept in there, but I didn’t want to hide in there. I knew that if Wade did look in there, we both would be caught.

I told Wade to close his eyes and count to a hundred but being only five years old, he could only count to ten. I just told him to count until he couldn’t count any more. Wade went to the far corner of the living room and began counting. As I headed for the laundry room, Tony grabbed my arm and led me to my mother’s bedroom closet. I tried to pull away but he kept insisting that I come in there with him so I did. It was really dark in the closet when Tony shut the door so I cracked it so we could get some light. As I stood in the nearly dark closet waiting for Wade to try to find us, I couldn’t help but wonder why Tony wanted me to go in there with him. Something about him was a little weird to me but I just brushed it off.

When I wasn’t paying attention, Tony snuck up on me and kissed me on my lips. My initial reaction was to slap the crap out of him but instead, I just pushed him away. I had never been kissed before and wasn’t sure if I wanted Tony to be first to do it. Tony pulled me close to him and kissed me again. When I tried to pull away he held me tighter. I stopped fighting and just let him kiss me. His lips were soft but I didn’t see what the big deal was about kissing. I heard Wade crying so I pulled away from Tony and ran to see what was wrong. Wade was standing in the living room crying because he got scared. Tony teased him for being such a crybaby. I went to the kitchen, got Wade some cookies, and calmed him down. I let Wade pick the next cartoon we watched on TV. Tony didn’t like that but I didn’t like how he picked on Wade, so he could go to hell for all I cared.

Wade began drifting off to sleep about ten minutes into the show. Tony went to go change the channel but I grabbed him by the arm before he could reach the TV.
“What do you think you are doing?” I said, as I yanked on Tony’s arm, pulling him down to the floor.
“I’m turning the TV. I don’t want to watch this crap,” he said, as he tried to get back up to turn the TV. Again I pulled him back down, but this time I pulled him much harder than before.
“Ouch! You’re going to pull my arm off. Let me go, Tiffany,” he said, trying to free him self from my grip.
“No. I’m watching this so you better just sit down and watch it too. You’re not turning my TV,” I told him. Tony just looked at me and smiled.

I was really beginning to think this boy was getting weirder and weirder. I let go of his arm. As soon as I did, he jumped on top of me and we began to wrestle. I wasn’t in the mood to play with him but he kept laughing and wrestling me. Eventually, I gave in and gave him a run for his money. We rolled around on the living room floor until we grew tired. Wade somehow managed to sleep through all the noise. I pushed Tony off me and sat up to catch my breath.
“Hey, Tiffany, I have another game we can play,” Tony said, getting up from the floor.
“What game?” I asked. I got up and went into the kitchen to fix me something to drink. Tony followed me.
“I don’t know what it’s called, but I know you will like it,” he said, with a huge grin on his face.
“Okay, show me,” I said, finishing the last of my juice. I placed my glass in the sink and headed back toward the living room and Tony followed.
“Let’s go in the room ‘cause I don’t want to wake Wade up,” he said. He grabbed me by the hand and led me into my bedroom. Tony closed the door behind us and told me to get in my bed.
“What I need to get in the bed for?” I asked him.
“Because that’s where the game is played,” he said. I followed his instructions and got in the bed. Once I was in all the way he joined me. He told me to lay flat on my back and I did. Tony climbed on top of me and began rubbing his body on mine.
“What are you doing?” I asked.
“This is the game. I saw it on TV last night and the people seemed to really like it,” he said. He continued to move his body up and down on mine. I could feel his pee pee on my private through our clothes and it felt weird. I didn’t understand the game but since it wasn’t hurting me, I didn’t see any harm in playing.

As Tony rubbed himself on me, he kissed me as he had earlier in my mother’s bedroom closet. His kiss was nice and I didn’t want him to stop. I heard my bedroom door squeak and I quickly pushed Tony off me. I thought that maybe my mother had came home early and I didn’t want her to see what we were doing. I knew he said it was only a game but I wasn’t sure if it was a game I was allowed to play.

Wade walked into my bedroom rubbing his eyes. You could tell he had just woke up by how slow he was moving. Tony and I got out of the bed and led Wade back into the living room. I turned on cartoons and all three of us sat directly in front of the TV. I felt Tony watching me but I was too scared to give him eye contact. The game he had introduced me to was different and made me feel weird. I wasn’t sure what to think of it but I knew I wanted to play it again.
At some point, we all fell asleep while watching cartoons. I woke up when I heard my mother’s key unlocking the door. I woke Tony and Wade up to let them know their mother was there to get them. They both grabbed their shoes and headed toward the door. My mother and I walked Ms. Yvette and her sons out to the car and said our goodbyes, then headed back into our house. Mama instructed me to go take a bath and get ready for bed. I obeyed her orders and got right to it.

As I lay in bed, I began to think about the game Tony and I played. I had never seen anyone on TV play such a game and I was beginning to wonder what the purpose of the game was. Tony’s pee pee felt weird rubbing up against my privates, but it was a good weird. I had never felt anything like that before. When I wiped myself as I bathe or used the bathroom, I never got that kind of feeling. Maybe only he could make me feel that way?


Saturday came again and my mother announced that Tony and Wade wouldn’t be coming over that weekend; I would be going to their house. Gathering my things, I prepared myself for the long car ride over. Ms. Yvette lived on the other side of town. My mother always teased me about falling asleep. Whenever we took long car rides I would fall asleep like I use to do when I was younger.
We arrived at Ms. Yvette’s house thirty minutes later. My mother walked right into the apartment without knocking. Ms. Yvette stood in the kitchen drinking a glass of water. She wore a pretty purple dress with shoes to match. Her hair was pulled back into a neat bun with soft curls in the front.

“Yvette, I’m going to go change in your bathroom, is that okay?” my mother asked. She held up her duffel bag of clothes.
‘Yeah, girl, go ahead,” Ms. Yvette told her. Mama went into the bathroom to get dressed.

Tony and Wade sat on the living room floor in front of the TV. I took a seat on the floor next to Tony and put my bag filled with dolls next to me. Ms. Yvette brought us some snacks to eat while we watched cartoons.

“Now don’t make a mess ‘cause I just vacuumed the floor
earlier,” she said.
“Yes ma’am,” we all said in unison.
There was a knock at the door and Ms. Yvette went to answer it. When she opened the door, two men entered and she told them to take a seat at the dining room table.

My mother came out of the bathroom looking like a movie star. She wore a tight, black dress with black and gold heels. Her make- up and hair was flawless. She had twisted it into a neat French roll with spirals in the front. Just the day before she’d gotten her nails manicured. They were painted red with black rhinestones and her toes matched. My mother was fierce and no one could tell her otherwise.

One of the men at the table said, “Damn, you look good enough to eat!”
The other guy sitting next to him burst out laughing. I really didn’t understand what was so funny. If that man dared try to eat my mother I was going to kick him in his knees.

My mother politely smiled, walked over to him, and gave him a hug and kiss on the cheek. The men rose from the table and walked toward the door. My mother and Ms. Yvette followed. Before Ms. Yvette closed the door she stopped and looked back at us.

“There’s some fried chicken in the kitchen if ya’ll get hungry. Don’t answer the door for anyone, not even the police, you hear me?”
“Yes ma’am,” we said in unison again. Ms. Yvette blew her boys some kisses and closed the door behind her.

Once our parents left, Tony suggested we go into their room so that we could play video games. Wade was the first to hop up and run in the room. We entered the room more slowly. Tony and I sat on the bed and Wade sat on the floor. Tony took his cover from behind us and put it on our laps. I wasn’t cold and wasn’t sure why we needed cover, but I let it stay. As Wade started to play the video game, I watched as Tony rubbed on my thigh. I nervously looked over at Wade. He didn’t see anything that Tony was doing because he was so into the game. Tony continued to rub on my leg for a while.

“I have to use the bathroom,” Tony said. He removed the cover and stood up. He left the room, heading in the direction of the bathroom.
After Tony didn’t come back for a while I went in search of him. I wondered what was taking him so long. When I opened the bathroom door Tony grabbed me and pulled me in.
“Hey, what’s going on?” I said, slightly startled.
“Nothing, I’ve been waiting for you. I knew you would come looking for me sooner or later,” he said, closing and locking the door behind me.
“Well, yeah I did. You were taking forever. I came looking to see if you fell in the toilet or something,” I said, knowing that wasn’t the real reason I went looking for him. I wanted to play the game again.
“Come here,” he said, holding his arms out. I walked into his arms and he wrapped them around me, and kissed me. This time, he put his tongue in my mouth so I backed away.
“Why did you put your tongue in my mouth? That’s gross,” I said, while wiping my lips.
“That’s what the people were doing on TV. What’s wrong? You didn’t like it?” he asked.
“No, it was nasty. I don’t want your tongue in my mouth. Are you crazy?” I said with a look of disgust on my face. I knew the boy was weird but that took the cake.
“Come on, Tiffany, I’m sorry. I won’t do it again,” he promised. He walked towards me. Before he reached me we heard a knock on the door.
“Hey, what are ya’ll doing in there? I have to pee really bad,” Wade said from outside the door. I quickly opened the door letting him in.

Tony and I gave him his privacy and went back into the bedroom. I hopped on the bed and Tony did the same. He reached on the floor and picked up the cover we had on our laps earlier and covered us again. Wade came back from the bathroom and sat in front of the TV. He didn’t waste any time before he started playing video games again. Tony continued to rub on my thigh under the cover without Wade noticing.

By the time our parents came back that night we were already asleep in the boys’ room. My mother woke me up and told me to get my things so that we could go home. I grabbed my book bag full of dolls and my sandals and headed out the room. I looked back and saw Wade asleep in front of the video game while it was still on. Tony was lying on the floor next to him under the cover that he had used earlier to rub on my thigh. Half asleep, I walked to the door as my mother and Ms. Yvette said their goodbyes. I hopped in the backseat of the car and lay down to go to sleep on the long ride home.

For the next three years I spent time with Tony and Wade while our parents hung out. Tony and I continued to play our game. At some point, I found out that what we were doing was called “hunching”. Whenever we were alone, we would start to kiss one another and hunch. We hunched outside, in my mother’s room, in Ms. Yvette’s room, and in the laundry room of my house.

On one occasion in particular, Tony told me that he wanted to hunch but this time he wanted to do it differently. Tony told me how he had been watching some movies on TV late at night. He said the men and women in the movies didn’t have any clothes. He said we shouldn’t wear any either. I went along with it. Tony and I got undressed but left on our underwear. Pressing up against him, I could feel his pee pee getting hard as it rubbed up against my private area. It wasn’t the first time that I felt his pee pee, but it felt much different than before. I guess since we didn’t have the layers of clothes between us I could really feel him. I liked the way his pee pee felt on my private so much that I didn’t want him to stop, but we knew Wade would be coming in from outside at any moment so we quickly got dressed.

Tony told me that the next time we hunched that he wanted to do it completely naked. I was nervous because I knew how good it felt when we just had on our underwear, so being completely naked had to be even better.

Since Tony watched people on TV doing the things he did to me, I was curious to see for myself. Late at night, when my mother was out with one of her men friends, I found a sex channel on TV. I watched men and women having sex with each other. There were also women having sex with other women, too. As I watched the two women together, it made me feel really good. They both looked as if they really enjoyed each other. Some of the things they did grossed me out, but I couldn’t stop watching it. At the end of every scene the people would make a really loud noise and would get an ugly look on their face. For some reason, that was funny to me. There was no way I was going to look as silly as they did so I knew I had to practice because I didn’t want Tony picking on me.

After watching the sex shows on TV, I practiced how I would groan when Tony and I hunched again. I wanted to really get it right so I grinded on the pillows from my bed. I couldn’t get that feeling in my private like I would get when Tony rubbed his pee pee on me. I needed something firm that I could hunch on so I decided to get the pillows off the couch in the living room. Those pillows had hard edges and I knew it would do the job. Taking the hard end of the pillow, I rubbed it up against my private area. I kept rubbing it until I felt an explosion inside my stomach. I had never felt anything like that before, not even with Tony. I knew what I felt was what the people on TV had felt when they were groaning and screaming.

For months I continued to use the pillows to make myself get the good feeling. I used the pillows so much that the end began to get soft and they weren’t doing the job anymore. I knew I had to figure out something else before I lost my mind. I desperately needed that good feeling.

One day while I was in the bathroom, the toilet seat lid came off and I noticed that the two pieces that snapped the lid on the toilet were hard. I began to think about the hard ends on the toilet seat, how I could put something soft over them and use that to rub up against myself so I could get that feeling again.

I took the lid off and lay it on the bathroom floor. I ran into my room, took a pillow off my bed, and returned to the bathroom. I placed the pillow over the lid and positioning my private part on the hard piece of the lid as I lay on my stomach. The pillow was to keep the rough part of the lid from hurting me. In an up and down motion, I rubbed my private part on the pillow that was over the lid until I had that good feeling that I liked so much. Afterwards, I lay on the bathroom floor until the feeling left.

After a while, I couldn’t use the toilet seat anymore because it started to hurt my private. I would also get sore because I used it too much. Not being able to use the pillows or the toilet seat, I started using my hands. Taking all my fingers, I rubbed in a circular motion until I got that good feeling. I would stay up late at night and watch sex movies on TV while rubbing my private parts until I got that good feeling. When I watched the movies I focused really hard on the women’s bodies. I liked to look at their breasts and private areas. I liked to watch the women strippers on the adult channel as they took off their clothes. If I wasn’t watching the movies I wasn’t able to get that good feeling as quick as I would when I did watch them.

Tony and I never hunched again and my mother and Ms. Yvette saw each other less and less. Ms. Yvette ended up getting engaged to a man she met at the bar and didn’t hang out with my mother anymore.

For months I used my hands to get that good feeling. It became obvious to me that it was something I needed, because I couldn’t stop. I began to think that something was wrong with me. Sitting in my room at night, I would cry because I feared that I was going to go to hell. I knew the feeling had something to do with sex. I thought I was the only person that had this feeling. Something about it had to be wrong.

Whenever I went to church on Sundays with my mom, I made sure that I stayed away from the pastor. I didn’t want to get close to him. I felt that somehow, he would know about the feeling that I was having and would go around telling everybody. Knowing that I would probably go to hell for having this feeling, I couldn’t risk anyone else finding out about it.

I kept my head down most of the time while I was in church. I didn’t want other people to look into my eyes and be able to tell what I was thinking. I thought they’d figure out what I was doing when I wasn’t in church. My mother would kill me if she ever found out.

Every night I prayed that God would make me stop but I just couldn’t. I often wondered what was wrong with me. Was the devil making me do it or was what I was doing even a sin?