Janeen DeGolier NX

In time we hate that which we often fear.
William Shakespeare

I had hoped my memoir would be a move forward  for the family I was born into. I had hoped eyes would open, minds would race headlong to positive speculation, hearts would swell with hope, and peace would reign supreme.

Yes I was naive.
Yes I was delusional.
And yes, the coming to was a rude awakening for me.

But the rude awakening  is not over, not for myself or the sisters who gave love and moral support, trust and faith in abundance.

I predicted in my memoir that my story could be my stone skimming the waters of our lives sending forth ripples of shattering silence. But it was the silence that held our pain in and us hostage that was suppose to shatter.

Instead, a few took up their armor and set out to annihilate one crazy little pest, me, their baby sister.

Fear was the motive.
Lies were the weapon.
Hate became the flames that singed and finally severed the tattered threads that could have bound us together. Family. My cousin once told me that family is family no matter what. But she did not know the single minded purpose of an incest family system, seek and destroy.

There have been times I was sure I was overstating the cruelty of the siblings bent on ruining me. How do family sacrifice one for another? Do they? My heart says no. My mind struggles with cold reality, yes they can and do sacrifice one family member for another, and believe it or not, they choose the disloyal victim to destroy. Nothing personal mind you, the family name and honor are at stake.


Reputation is what other people know about you. Honor is what you know about yourself.
Lois McMaster Bujold, "A Civil Campaign", 1999

What is left when honor is lost?
Publilius Syrus (~100 BC), Maxims

My family as a whole, and in its various parts, has known the goings on in the family. The town I grew up in knew the goings on in the family.

The cloak of honor the family name wore, the charitable deeds, the righteous voices raised in praise to the creators name, did not negate the truth but merely formed a grotesque mask, an illusion, a hypocrisy.

And now I must fall or fight this hypocrisy. I must let the lies stand their ground while I slink away into that cold dark night, or stand up and once and for all time unmask the truth.

It is not for myself, I could go away and live with the cruel ending the family has put to my memoir. It is not even so noble a reason as helping other people with my experience, strength and hope. I am at present far too exhausted to make that gesture.

The family hate was a stone meant to skim across the waters of our lives to silence me. It wounded far more innocent people than I am. And the aftermath in one life I will refer to, has now and will for the rest of her life, cause grief to one whose heart has taken in the worst and the best of us.

The family system has decreed that I am the one who has caused the destruction, and as one person put it to this most gentle of my sister's. "If I have hurt you through Janeen, I am sorry."

Hate for me has given them all the permission they need for saying and doing all manner of vile things to save the family name, and I am the villain for all the destruction to all who get hurt in the scuffle.

So this is it, the end of trying to make them see I was not out to destroy anyone, not even those who would see me in a straight jacket in a room with rubber walls and silence.

This is the end of me accepting abuse for the family names sake.

This is the beginning of the total end to the masquerade. The incest family system I was born into will not stop, they are a mob bent on righteous destruction, and they are now harassing ones whom I love more than me. They are harming my sisters, the only four who stood and stand beside me.

I once was completely alone with the horror inside me. I once thought of myself as "inherently evil" destroying everyone and everything that my life touched.

These four sisters have helped me to see it was not my sin or theirs that destroyed us, but the family sin or false pride, false honor, and the "secret" sin, incest.

We cannot let them win. We have a right to our lives.


 


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