Janeen DeGolier NX

I Was Silent Once More

by Janeen DeGolier NX

 - Wed, Nov 11 2009
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I understand the incest family system's need to silence me. I accept they can tread no other road but it is a hard road, and the road will end in the darkness of their own fear, guilt, and shame.

In the final week of September they reveled in a major triumph against my sisters and I. After several months of tunneling in, around, and under the roots of strong bonds between a handful of us sisters, like great juicy earthworms aerating the soil under a flowerbed but leaving gaping black holes of fetid air and rotted sludge from their dead souls, a "moral majority" of the family I was born to as the youngest of twenty, ousted me, they thought, bodily from their lives.

Since then I have tottered and teetered and careened about like a little Weeble wobbling, but I won't fall down figure. Mostly I have careened into self, examining and re-examining my life, motives, choices, wishes, responsibility, and in the end, the reality of my situation.

The fight to destroy me ultimately destroyed, or at least broke down, one sister particularly dear to me, a woman who was always there for everyone, and gave love and solace to the best and the worst of us. The bond between us traveled a dark path from an indestructible pipeline to a thread of spun sugar shattering in mid air.

The family did not count on one major element. Love enduring, outlasting, out maneuvering, and outdistancing every evil thrown among us.

Love, the kind where one person has the other person's best interests at heart and wants for that person what that person wants, and not what a person "thinks" the other person wants.

Example: The day I was ousted bodily from my sister's house it was:

1. Done out of "love" that says "I know what is best for you."
2. It was accomplished inevitably by me, who was overwhelmed by the mistaken belief that my sister wanted me to leave.

The incest family system won a battle, nothing more, by pitting us against each other in subtle, unobtrusive methods in the guise of "love."

But love is what brings me back to my reality, my responsibility, and my voice here. Love is what has revamped the bonds between my sisters and I. Love will endure as will truth, hope, kindness, compassion, trust.

For six weeks I have struggled and lost, struggled and lost, and struggled and lost, because the family system did not simply cause my world to shiver and shake like the towers of Babel. It was not simply a matter of relocating, rebuilding my office in a terribly inconvenient place in order to get on with my work, my business and my life. They stole my sister, though temporarily, from me. They ripped a piece of her heart out by pitting her children against her, in the guise of love, and they ripped a piece of my heart out using my sister who was not strong enough to continue to fight her children.

And what pray tell did they use to frighten her children? The visual of their mother in danger from me.
The visual of my sister waking up one morning and finding me dead from suicide in my room.
A visual of me tearing through my sister's house constantly yelling at her and throwing things and slamming doors.
The false idea that I was penniless and was sponging off their mother and stripping her of her retirement and happiness.

My sister withstood the barrage as long as she could, making every effort to hold the world at bay so I could continue to work in peace to build the career, business, write my book, to the end that i would, by October, return south to my children and grandchildren.

But an incest family system driven by fear, guilt, shame, and aversion to all truth, turned her home into a battleground, tension flying through every crevice, and social services at the door investigating a claim of elder abuse.

The abusers were the ones who sent the investigator around.

But yesterday my sister came to where I am presently, and my sister 1, my sister 2, and I jumped the barrier strung between us. Though the rebuilding of our bonds began strangely enough on the very day in September that the family divided us, yesterday was a true layering of a new, stronger foundation. It is based on love and hope. And that, dear friends is what the incest family system cannot eradicate, nor comprehend.

Recently three of the people responsible for this horrid undertaking had a meeting of the minds. Two have hated the third for most of their lives, one hates another and has no use or respect for the other, and thus it goes, enemies with a clear vision of me, the greatest enemy to all honorable family members which for the moment precludes any former rivalry and/or disgust they feel for each other.

I wonder what they will do when they remember they cannot stand the sight or company of each other?

By the way, I am the enemy, not because of what I did, but because of what they fear I will reveal about our incest family system, which I am now revealing with far less pangs of conscience than I ever believed possible of me.
I am the enemy because I survived.
Remembered.
Recovered.
Returned.
Reached out.
Reached in.
I am ultimately the enemy because I was the victim of incest who found her voice.

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