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When we're struggling with something, the ideaof turning to somone seems simole, but we all know simple is not necessarily easy. Sometimes we stand in our own way without realizing it. It's hard to deal with a problem, and sometime harder to accept or admit we need help. Certain beliefs or ways of thinking can make it hard to ask for the help we need. There are many obstacles that may get in our way Here are some examples of the kinds of attitudes that can stand in the way — and ideas on how to get past them.
Megan Cyrulewski has been writing short stories ever since she was ten-years-old. After attending Grand Valley State University, Megan eventually settled into a career in the non-profit sector for eight years. She decided to change careers and went back to school to get her law degree from Thomas M. Cooley Law School. While in school, she documented her divorce, child custody battle and postpartum depression struggles in her memoir which is slated to be published on August 2 by Black Opal Books. Megan lives in Michigan with her 3-year-old daughter who loves to dance, run, read, and snuggle time with Mommy. Megan also enjoys her volunteer work as a Board Member with Troy Youth Assistance, a non-profit in Troy, MI.
In our HELP! SITUATION SPOTLIGHT™ series, we shine the light on challenges that community members have shared with me. This episode is, “How do I let go of my anger?”
What is anger? What constitutes “a problem” with it? Is it possible to let it go (and let it fly or float away forever)? Or, do we have anger with us for the rest of our lives no matter what we do? Anger is derived from pain. When we experience searing pain our lives, how are we supposed to respond? Do we simply become numb (yet no longer angry) or do we remain emotional, reactionary and animated by our anger?
We discuss the “pain Olympics” wherein we always lose out on trying to make people acknowledge that our individual anger and underlying pain is “worse” (or better depending on how you look at it) than that of others. The person who loses a pet, who loses a loved family member, who experiences a tragedy, who is a victim of a war or genocide; they all have an argument that their pain is “worth more” than what other people have experienced. Yet, this is one of the most negative actions to undertake in terms of poor outcomes.
No cares about me. How can the world continue on while I suffer like this? These may be accurate sentiments. The world will continue on no matter how much pain (and resulting anger) we experience. I would ask you to think about your legacy. What will you be remembered for? Will it be your anger? How does that impact you? It is not easy to find a healthy way to move forward with anger, yet it might be possible. What do we have to lose in finding out?
“No love from my daddy cause the coward wasn't there
He passed away and I didn't cry, cause my anger wouldn't let me feel for a stranger
They say I'm wrong and I'm heartless,
but all along I was lookin for a father he was gone” - Tupac Shakur
In our HELP! SITUATION SPOTLIGHT™ series, we shine the light on challenges that community members have shared with me. This episode is, “How do I pick “the right” college for my first degree?”
If you are new to your first college degree, in general (from a US perspective), degrees are awarded based on completed credit hours. One credit hour is based on one class hour per week throughout the duration of a semester. So, a class that meets for three hours per week for an entire term will be worth three credit hours upon successful completion. An associate degree is roughly 60 credit hours. A bachelors degree is 120 credit hours. Thus, to earn a bachelors degree would take 40 different three credit classes (which is why it takes several years to graduate). So, what is “the right college” for your first college degree (associate or bachelor)?
“Why are you going to college?” If you are not at all concerned with financial issues (more income, promotions, more job opportunities, etc.) and are only motivated by personal enjoyment/ enlightenment concerns, select your college based on your interests. If you want to really learn about botany, study botany! If you are primarily motivated by financial concerns, select your “right college” based on going to the highest caliber (“best”) school that you are able to gain admission to (if it was easy, everyone would do it).
Here are some potential resources to utilize:
In our HELP! SITUATION SPOTLIGHT™ series, we shine the light on challenges that community members have shared with me. This episode is, “How do I know if someone is really my friend?”
Ah, friendship. The bond that forms where we are safe to share our secrets, fears and dreams. We take off our “masks” that we use with the world (to protect us) and we share our authentic selves. The bliss of spending time with a true friend is one of the best parts of life.
Yet, what about the painful experience of letting our guard down, sharing our authentic selves, trusting a person and then later having to face the fact that we were deceived, tricked and manipulated by the person we trusted? We are broken as a person when our trust is broken. How may we ensure that we have “real” friends in our lives while preventing being hurt and made a fool of by “pretend” friends?
Q: How do I know if someone is really my friend?
A: The behavior of a friend is based on the foundation that your happiness is their happiness. Any behavior to the contrary indicates that they are not (yet or still) a friend.
Insults, making fun of you, etc., these are all behaviors that show you the person is not (at this time) your friend. Is it possible that a person was your friend at one time in the past and has changed their mind and is no longer your friend? Yes. Is it possible that someone who is currently not your friend may develop into a “real” friend in the future? Yes.
What do we do to protect ourselves while being open to “real” friends? If the person behaves based on a foundation that your happiness is their happiness, continue to reciprocate (it takes a friend to have a friend). If the person is not behaving that way, you cease to do so (until they return to friendship behavior). “Friends! How many of us have them?” (Whodini, Escape album, 1984)
Today on HELP! Relationships102, we open up the question of true love! GOD's love and human love are as different as night and day! What is love as the LORD defines it? And just as importantly, how do I find it?
Join us as we address this unaddressed issue!
In our HELP! SITUATION SPOTLIGHT™ series, we shine the light on challenges that community members have shared with me. This episode is, “REJECTION. How do I handle it?”
The dream job that you desperately desired and did not get. The new romantic relationship that you knew was “the one” that dissipated into a cruel void of emptiness. The “forever” friendship that ended abruptly. REJECTION.
In all of its forms it is searingly painful and brings to the surface the most powerful emotional responses possible. Why did they get the job/work assignment/ promotion and not you? Why are they dating them and not you? What is wrong with you? What could (or should) you have done differently? Rejection has the potential to trigger deeper issues within ourselves and bring historical abandonments and rejections (parents, past jobs, past personal relationships, etc.) roaring to life to wreak havoc in our minds and our behavior. We could enter into the downward and destructive spiral of telling ourselves, “You are never good enough.” We will not.
How do we “handle” rejection? We don’t. We acknowledge it. We refuse to “accept” it and we leave it where it is. We do not pick it up and carry it forward with us. We do not pick it up and pull it close into our minds and think about it continuously allowing it to trigger past pain and regret.
We define ourselves and our value. If we predetermine that we have value and we have a strategy and plan for our lives (personal and profession), it does not matter what “they” think and do. Their rejection is just that. It belongs to them. We must leave it there. A Buddhist parable illustrates this point of leaving “the gift” of rejection with the person who is offering it (http://www.uua.org/re/tapestry/children/loveguide/session12/sessionplan/stories/168913.shtml).
SHOW NOTES: Our MANAGEMENT MAGICIANS™ series is dedicated to those exceptional few who step forward to serve as guides, sages and responsible parties for others in pursuit of the greater good for society and their organization! In this episode, our topic is, “I am Lucky! My Team is Marvelous! How do I get them to stay?”
First, we don’t plan on “luck” (if it happens fine, that is just an extra bonus in life)! So, let’s discard that part of the show title (it is usually used for self-deprecation and humility). Good choices have played a large part in having a “marvelous team.” Let’s focus on those aspects of the situation. Here are 10 tips for ensuring maximum employee engagement and retention (aka, how to get them to stay):
1) It is about them, not you.
2) Repeat #1.
3) Give them control of their lives.
4) Get out of their way.
5) Share your appreciation and gratitude.
6) Keep your personal issues, personal (at all times).
7) Leaders are not liked, they are respected (you are not liked and that is healthy).
8) Ask team members what they want.
9) Listen to the response from #8.
10) Stability is seductive.
In our HELP! SITUATION SPOTLIGHT™ series, we shine the light on challenges that community members have shared with me. This episode is, “My boss hates me, what do I do? How can I save my job?”
Feeling like anyone hates you can be stressful! We immediately think, “I am awesome! How does anyone hate me?” Yet, with the diversity of the human population there are going to be some people in life who just do not find us appealing. But, what do we do when the person who is not fond of us (okay, they hate us) is our boss? Will they be able to provide fair evaluations of your work? Will we be treated fairly and judged only on our work performance or will we be unable to succeed due to the boss making decisions solely on their personal hatred for us?
It is illegal in many nations (including the US) for an employer to make work decisions based on personal attributes (and their feelings, stereotypes or prejudices related thereto). Thus, if your boss really does hate you (first make sure that it is not just your imagination), and it is based on one of the “protected classes” (race, color, gender, national origin, religion, age over 40, disability, pregnancy, etc.), you may have a legal case. Please consult an attorney immediately! Make sure that you are performing at a very high level at work (do not give the boss a reason to make an adverse workplace decision based on your actual performance).
If the hatred is not based on a protected class but is instead based on your “attitude” or some other non-related trait to a protected class, you might want to consider a strategic approach to change how the boss views you. What makes people “like” someone? When they feel they are like them (similar interests, ideas, sense of humor, etc.). It is possible to change how people people perceive us by reflecting back to them how they see themselves. Let’s discuss!
In our HELP! SITUATION SPOTLIGHT™ series, we shine the light on challenges that community members have shared with me. This episode is, “I do my job and their job! Am I a SUPERSTAR or a SUCKER?!”
Are you a SUPERSTAR (the best, an overachiever, etc.)? Or, are you someone that is being taken advantage of (a “SUCKER”)? What is the difference? A Superstar is measured by their results (higher/ better/ more/ compared to their peers) and is an overachiever. An overachiever is achieving over and above their peers (early promotion, bigger pay raise, awards, recognition, etc.). The key is the achieving aspect. They have results at work that are more than their peers (more pay, bigger office, better schedule, rewards, etc.).
If you are salesperson of the month every month (with the highest commissions in the office) and you love it, you might be a superstar! If you are paid equal to (or less than) your peers, your reviews are average and you are toiling away in obscurity (no promotion, no raise, etc.), you are not a superstar but instead are a “sucker” (your peers are taking advantage of you). It is simple to tell the difference between the Superstar and the Sucker because the Superstar is achieving more than their peers and the Sucker is not (they are receiving equal to or even less than their peers). If you are a Superstar, congratulations! I have shows and programs on burnout and celebrating success (among others) that I recommend for you. You are exceeding your goals! Remember to be of service to others and work on balance in your life.
If you are a Sucker, I am sorry. I will also add that your supervisor is poorly skilled for permitting this to happen (yet you are responsible for permitting it to continue). I have shows and programs on assertiveness and confidence (among others) that I recommend for you. Right now, let’s talk and see how we can transform you into a Superstar!
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