It is my opinion that we don’t even question the things we are told make a good relationship.  Supposedly, a good relationship should be 50/50, meaning that each partner puts in an equal amount of energy into the relationship.  Instead of us saying that relationships should be 50/50, we need to start focusing on relationships being balanced.  

In any relationship, there are going to be times when one partner is going to have to focus on career or personal goals and not be able to give as much time and attention to their partner.  Their partner should then step up to the plate and balance out the equation.  If one spouse can only give 20% then the other is going to have to pick up the slack and give 80%.  But the scales of balance must always swing both ways.  If one partner gets very sick, the other partner has to give their 100% and then some in order to keep the relationship alive and well. 

The problem in most relationships is not that one person loves one person more than the other.  The problem in most relationships is that people love themselves more than they love their partner.  They want their partner to give, to provide, to do all the work so that they can feel all the warm fuzzy feelings inside but they don’t want to have to lift a finger to make their partner feel warm and fuzzy.  We get into relationships because in the beginning we put our best foot forward, we romance and show the other person all these great things about us.  Then, when we get the commitment, we want to sit back and let the other person make us feel good without doing anything to make them feel good.  No relationship can survive if both parties are expecting their partner to meet their every need without giving anything in return.

In this Christian, patriarchal society, men are socialized to expect women to wait on them hand and foot.  They believe that women are supposed to cater to their every whim, fantasy, and desire and just be happy to be in a relationship, that is their only reward.  They want feelings of love but they don’t want to do any work, they don’t want to sacrifice anything in order to make their spouse happy.  How many times have you heard a Black man beating his chest and saying, “I wish it was like in the old days when women made men king of his castle.”  That means, “I wish it was like back in the old days when a man didn’t have to do anything and women shouldered 100% of the burden for a relationship and didn’t complain.” 

The other quintessential problem with relationships is that so many people are dysfunctional, so few people know what a healthy relationship looks like, it’s impossible to form one without any knowledge of HOW to be balanced in a relationship.  You can’t know how to be there for your spouse if you’ve never seen a spouse take up the slack for their partner.  You can’t know how to seduce (in a healthy manner, not some sort of manipulation) your partner and make them feel special if the closest thing you’ve seen to a relationship is your mother’s string of boyfriends that only stick around three weeks at a time. 

50/50 is not even something we should be striving for.  We should be striving to give 100% percent of ourselves to a partner who is committed to giving 100% of themselves in return. 

I would like to thank all of you who called into the show and shared your thoughts and opinions! Also we thank those of you who participated by simply listening in!

Whether you heard the show or not I am sharing the 5 principles that were discussed on the show. Please be encouraged to refer to these principles when you need to and share them with anyone you feel may need to be enlightened by it! Feel free to share your thoughts by commenting and continue the dialogue!

1. Honesty

A. Be honest with yourself!:
Be clear that you are ready to commit to a relationship and if you will be a good mate for someone else. Make sure you are honest about your shortcomings, flaws & more importantly your strengths! Love yourself so that you are able to love someone else. Understand what it takes to make a relationship work and that you are mature enough to handle everything that goes along with being in a relationship.

B. Be Consistent:
Your words & your actions should always be in agreement. Do not put your partner in the position to decipher what you mean. If you say you love them, make sure your actions reflect those words. Your relationship should not be a guessing game!

C. Be honest with your partner:
Be relevant with the information that you are sharing with your mate. Tell them if sometimes you just need your space to chillax with your friends and this is not an indication that you don't like spending time with them or that you are looking to upgrade. Let him/her know that you enjoy watching the game alone, so they dont call during the game and irritate you...thus causing friction. Remember that there are no levels to honesty, either its the truth or its a lie. As corny as it sounds, Honesty is always the best policy!

2. Communication

A. Be a good listener:
Hear what is ACTUALLY being said...do not interpret or project your feelings. Always remember that men and women communicate in different ways so, if you are ever unclear, just ask!

B. Be clear:
Say what you mean, and mean what you say! PERIOD! That doesn't give you permission to throw discretion and tact out of the window. The purpose is to make your partner feel like you care.

C. Passive Aggressive is a No-No:
If your partner asks you, "What's wrong?" don't say "Nothing" when it really is something. Often times when you engage in this behavior you are slowly disconnecting yourself from your relationship. Above all...passive aggressive behavior is just effing annoying!

3. No Judgements

A. Check your baggage at the door:
We have all had our share of good and bad relationships, however they are in the past...Your new relationship is your present hopefully leading to your future. Jumping to conclusions based on your past experiences does not create an environment of love and trust. By doing this, you can put your mate (usually men) in a position to be dishonest with you for fear of "hearing your mouth". I am not suggesting that you ignore any red flags, but be fair to the one you are currently dating. Do not visit the sins of others upon your lover.

B. Don't ask questions...
No! I do NOT mean you can't ask your mate questions!! This simply means...DO NOT ask questions that you are not capable of handling the answer to...PERIOD!

C. Give what you expect to receive:
Do not set a standard for your partner that you are not willing or capable to live up to. If you want to be loved unconditionally, then you should be willing to love unconditionally. In order to get respect, you must give it. Remember, if find yourself not getting what you want from your partner, first honestly examine what YOU are putting in before pointing the finger at your partner.

4. Set Boundaries

A. Deal Breakers:
Know what your deal breakers are! If you have a "list" of qualities that you want in a partner don't be afraid to stick to them. You made them for a reason! Your past experiences, your wants, your needs, life and hopefully maturity helped you create that list...trust it! Otherwise, you will find yourself trying to change your mate and that is ALWAYS a receipe for disaster! Be "honest" with yourself & your mate about your deal breakers so both parties are entering the relationship with their eyes wide open!

B. Expectations:
Let your mate know what your expectations are. If you are want a relationship that will ultimately lead to marriage. Let him/her know that. If you want a mate who calls at least twice/day, say so. Not communicating your expectations will have you "going thru the motions" or wasting precious time.

5. Fight Fair

A. Stay on task:
It's important to address issues that arise in your relationship. Take a breath before addressing the issue. This breath will help to remove hostility that being emotional can bring. If you are hyper-emotional, it can only cause your mate to shut down, go into defensive mode and hear nothing you have said which will accomplish nothing. That pause can also ensure that you stay on task when you are having a disagreement. Do not bring up previously resolved issues, if it was resolved, what is the purpose? Doing this does not help move the dialogue forward so focus on the issue at hand!

B. Keep it above the belt:
We are not in elementary school anymore so NO NAME CALLING! Never say or do anything that you know will intentionally hurt the other person. Always remember, if you said it..you meant it! You may not have meant for it to come out at that time or in that manner but you meant it and you can NOT take it back. In the heat of "battle" never forget the respect that you have for yourself and for your mate. The Golden Rule applies here...do unto others as you will have them do unto you.

C. Listen, Accept Ownership, Apologize & Let it go!:
...Listen to what your partner has to say with an open heart & and open mind. You may not agree but you owe them the respect to listen to what they have to say.

...Accept ownership for your part in this issue & the relationship. If you are in a relationship, you take part in the relationships issues whether it was an active or inactive role. Own it.

...Apologize for your part in the disagreement. Simple as that. A sincere apology goes a long way.

...Let it go...you have addressed the issue, come to an agreement (whether its to agree to disagree or you see eye to eye), now its time to move forward.


If you implement the above principles in your dating life, you are on your way to a happy, healthy enriched relationship! We are excited for you...hell us for us too!

Remember, this is just the first in the series so there are plenty more principles to come!


Oh wait!! I cant forget to give you the bonus "5 "kings" to keeping your man happy" courtesy of:
"The Real Diva Best Believa, Put a Ring on it!!"

Ladies pay attention...Fellas, this is for you!!!

1. Drin-king:
Make sure you always have his favorite drink available and ready for him.

2. Smo-king:
If he smokes cigarettes, cigars...WHATEVER! Make sure you have it available. Have his favorite brand or make sure you have a cutter, blunt ,etc.

3. Coo-king:
Ladies...FEED YOUR MAN! Why would he want to be with or marry someone who can't manage to take care one of his most basic needs...EATING! Find out what he likes to eat and make sure you learn how to prepare it. (cooking and serving it to him in a g-string and stillettos wont hurt either, oh wait...thats Ms. Kiki's two cents! But I digress)

4. Suc-king:
Ladies, ladies, ladies...if you want to get done, be prepared to do...and please do it well!
4a. Swallowing...ahem! Is this thing on??? Thats right!! Do not be afraid to finish what you start!

5. Fuc-king:
Give it to him on the regular...remember what you will not do, another one will!

Well there you have it...5+5 basic principles for building and maintaining healthy relationships.

Join us next week at 8pm PST (10p CST/11p EST) on
"Playing Devil's Advocate"


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