Psychic Insights  

Jealousy--Keeping your mate on your toes, or creating distance?

I recently read online that a bit of “healthy jealousy“ is good for a relationship. Their reasoning was that it keeps your mate interested and on their toes, so they don’t get so comfortable in the relationship that they treat you like nothing more than wallpaper. They said that a bit of jealousy keeps the passion alive. I thought about it, and, although I can see their point, I think it just breeds distance, mistrust, and resentment. Looking up the meaning of the word “jealous” using Dictionary.com produced these results:

None of those things sound the least bit beneficial! Yet many people actually think that by getting their mate to feel jealous, it will open the other person’s eyes to how valuable they truly are. They hope that by getting the attention of someone else their mate will rush to their side, fight for their honor, cherish them, and maybe even start being more romantic or passionate. This doesn’t work!

Building trust, keeping the lines of communication open, and being respectful of one another is paramount to a solid relationship.

If your mate isn’t paying enough attention to you, instead of pointing fingers or letting them know that the cashier finds you attractive and asked for your phone number, tell your mate things you enjoy that he/she does or used to do. Tell your mate something like, “It really makes me feel loved when you tell my I’m beautiful.” Or, “I really miss the long kisses we used to share when I’d get home from work.” Or, “You’re so romantic. I really loved the time we (fill in blank), we should do that again.“ Bringing up GOOD feelings and offering praise is the quickest way to get what you need. However, if your mate is totally closed off to anything you have to say that will help the relationship, you may want to pursue counseling and try to find other ways to rescue the relationship, or think about finding someone you’re more compatible with. Some relationships have simply run their course and it’s time to move on.

What about dealing with someone who’s insanely jealous? Whether this pertains to your mate, or yourself, jealousy is a red flag letting you know that something is amiss between the two of you. It signals the fact that someone isn’t having their needs met, or there are serious trust issues due to the person’s past or current happenings in the relationship. If your mate is jealous and has no reason to be, do all you can to instill trust between you. Console the person and tell them that you love them and value the relationship. Many times when people have had bad relationships in their past, it takes time, effort, care, and love to build a solid foundation of trust. Give the relationship time, but if you truly aren’t doing anything to have your mate feeling jealous and he/she simply won’t work with you on building trust, you may want to go to couples counseling or seek out someone who isn’t carrying around all that baggage.

If you’re the jealous person, try to see the situation from a different viewpoint. We can be so hurt from our past that anything our current mate says or does can seem suspicious. The most innocent action or word can be twisted around to seem guilty. I’m speaking from experience on this matter. After my two unhealthy marriages when I was first with Mike it didn’t take much to set me off. Everything he said or did was “proof” to me that he couldn’t be trusted. I give him credit though because he was very calm, patient, loving, and understanding. He knew that my past had helped to create my warped viewpoint. His help alone did not cure my “jealous-itis”, I had to do some internal changing too! It was hard work and downright scary learning to trust someone again, but I was determined to be happy and have the most amazing relationship of my life. Yes, I’ve succeeded. J

If you’ve had negative relationships in the past, it’s much easier to assume a current or future relationship will fail too. That way it meets up with your expectations. Humans are comfortable with routine and habit, even if it isn’t for our own good and causes us much pain. The pain of what we DO know seems less scary than our fear of the unknown. The old “Better to deal with the devil you know than the devil you don’t.” We fear trusting this person, giving them our heart and soul, and then being crushed to pieces. Misery? We can deal with that! Happiness? Now that’s something to be really afraid of! But doesn’t that sound silly? We all say we want to be happy, yet take a look at how much we sabotage any happiness that comes our way.

The best way to overcome this is to talk calmly with your mate and let them know when you feel worried, afraid, uncomfortable, or angry. Get to the real issues and avoid yelling and accusations. I used to tell Mike, “When I was married my husband would do such and such, so when you said/did that it made me upset because it brought all of those old feelings back.” I would also let him know that I was diligently working on my issues and learning to trust and be happy again. It took about a year and a half before I really learned to trust again, but since I was carrying around 39 years of baggage with me, I consider that a pretty quick recovery! Let me tell you though, it was hard work! Every time I felt bad I had to look inside myself and see what button was being pushed, then I dealt with it in a more mature and satisfactory way rather than going berserk--which I did a few times as well and it resulted in great distance and hurt feelings between us.

So, no matter how you look at it, jealousy is simply a signal letting you know that there are deeper issues at hand. Learning to deal with the underlying cause of the feeling or action is the #1 key to a healthier relationship and a happier you!

Dr. Kelly

www.ThePsychicSoul.com

Dr.Kelly.Psychic.Counselor@gmail.com