Probably Uncalled For...  

Yep, it's arguments like this that do the "pro" War on Drugs front no favors. In light of recent developments, for better and worse, on both sides of the issue, you at home knew, just like the idiots cutting the head off a corpse they dug up to use for a bong, eventually we'd get hit with another B.S. study.

This time, the National Institute on Drug Abuse released findings showing that heavy marijuana use can raise levels of certain proteins in a person's blood, which could lead to circulation problems, heart trouble, and possible stroke. According to the research, THC seems to drive overproduction of the protein, which helps metabolize triglycerides.

Okay...so if I got this right, heavy marijuana use can lead to higher triglycerides, so then, if any of the commercials are to be believed, the simple fix is to eat a second big ass bowl of cheerios. That should counteract it. What, don't look at me like that. You knew you were already thinking about that second bowl.

Granted, it all sounds a little silly, but no less silly than the study that kicked all of this off. According to Dr. Jean Lud Cadet and his research team, after tracking 18 "heavy, long-term" users and 24 people who did not smoke marijuana, "chronic marijuana use is not so benign."

And what, pray tell constitutes "heavy" use? How much is too much, according to the National Institute on Drug Abuse and the National Institutes of Health? I'm glad you asked. I know you were dying to ask (or struggling to remember) those questions. Seventy-eight to three hundred joints a week. Yep. Read that right. 78 to 350 joints. A week.

What? Seriously, what? I wasn't aware there were 18 people out there with Snoop Dogg's smoke budget willing to help further the cause of science. Glad to see a vaguely ridiculous number gives credibility to this study. Using my best pothead math, the prevailing local market, and consultation from a couple of like-minded individuals, I came up with the following:

Low end
78 joints per week
that's 11 joints a day...impressive by any standards
Okay, so if we go by the low-end numbers here, which are pretty far-fetched on their own, somebody would have to buy 39 dime bags to get 78 joints. Show me the pothead who's walking around with five or six dime bags, planning on telling the arresting officer they are just for personal use, and I'll show you a future punchline on Fark.com. Add it all up, and you're talking around 2 1/2 ounces a week, or in the neighborhood of a quarter-ounce a day.

High end
350 joints per week
50 joints a day? What's the punchline?
That works out to 175 dime bags, or just a dime shy of eleven ounces. In one week.

Are you kidding me? Only our government would try to use these numbers as proof of anything with a straight face. Show me someone with a weed habit running between $400-$1700 a week, and I'll show you someone with a record deal who could care less about their triglycerides. Can't figure out an efficient alternative fuel source (can't even figure out to use our own reserves), Can't figure out a way to fix climate change. Can figure out that smoking a comically improbable amount of marijuana has possible ramifications. Genius. Sheer freaking genius. I mean, smoking fifty cigarettes of anything is bad for you. Of course, if you needed me to tell you that, then you have probably already used this article to roll one up and missed the end.