Probably Uncalled For...  

Man, and here I was, thinking that New Year's had lost a little bit when the warranty apparently ran out on the robotic Dick Clark. Kathy Hilton is auctioning off a chance to party with her daughters on New Year's Eve. While I seriously doubt this is the first time, at any level, that the Hilton sisters have been pimped out, at least this time there is an altruistic goal- raising dough for the Make-A-Wish Foundation. I had heard that Pamela Anderson Lee Rock Soloman Hamilton Skywalker O'Hara Olajawon wanted to work with them, but there was some kind of immune system issue.

As this is being written, bidding on eBay had reached $3050. All I can do is sigh. I'd maybe throw a $100 Nikki's way, you know, for the effort, but Paris? I'd giver her a $10 and a cheeseburger, only half hoping she'll choke on that motherf**ker on the way out the door. Not to mention, how sad is it when a 2-for-1 deal, including the world's most fascinating skank, has not yet reached $3500, which is the amount of cash you'd need to bring frankencelebrity Tara Reid to cast an uncomfortable shadow at your club opening or topless intervention. At the very least, this is what happens when "20 bucks, same as in town" meets red carpet inflation.

If you have the time, the money, and the utter lack of self-respect, control, or restraint, then by all means, head off to eBay and throw down a bid. More power to you if you win. I mean, all the cash goes to charity, right? But when it's all said and done, right before the hangover wears off and the itch flares up, hang yourself. F**king seriously, hang yourself like Michael Hutchence with a belt and nothing better to do in a hotel room.

There was some other, slightly more dignified amusement to be had from Planet Hilton, however. On Wednesday, Barron Hilton, notably rich SOB what is Nikki and Paris' grandfather, announced he was bestowing 97% of his estimated $2.3. billion fortune to charity.

There have been statements made over the years that neither sister really has all that much money, and it's a safe bet, as both have also had to show the entrepreneurial spirit (no matter how misguided the attempt was in the end). How else can one explain the puzzling, no...inexplicable rise of Paris Hilton to professional celebrity.

Of course, there have also been statements regarding Barron Hilton's embarrassment over the antics of his granddaughter, and I find that highly likely as well, although, per standard operating procedure, none of the Hiltons (surprisingly enough) were available for comment.

You want a good time on New Year's? Take that three grand and head off to Vegas. Hell, go to Omaha, Nebraska. Tell them I sent you. They won't know who the hell I am, but that's not important right now, so focus. Who needs the hassle of both the hounding paparazzi and having to find the phone number to the free clinic in the morning? Doesn't sound like it's worth three grand to me.