Probably Uncalled For...  

Man, they say timing is everything. Jessica Simpson's latest cinematic crime against the public, Blonde Ambition, hit the big screen in limited release last night, playing in eight theaters in Texas. This comes after some confusion as to whether or not the movie was going to be a direct-to-DVD or theatrical release (to help, the DVD is already available online). Playing on only eight screens, I don't suppose you should expect giant numbers or anything, right? I mean, isn't that why movies have that "in limited cities, then everywhere" release system? Three hundred forty-eight dollars. That's $348.00, presumably all American currency, and that's what Blonde Ambition grossed Friday night.

Always breathtaking to be there when they hit the exact bottom. Not rock bottom, the bottom just past it. You know, next to the Pauly Shore section at the video rental place.

Been a bad week for her and Tony Romo. I mean, first Simpson and her pink jersey are on hand for the worst statistical game of Romo's career, leading to a loss to Philadelphia. Yeah, I think it just may be safe to assume that she is what we like to call box office poison. Not that her presence meant anything in relation to the game, but it was amusing to hear the possibility of the curse of Jessica mentioned around football chat rooms and the like over the last week. Makes me kind of curious as to why they would decide to have the limited release in Texas, given her sudden spike in popularity in Texas.

Perez Hilton, showing depth as a double threat- pudgy celebrity obsessant AND mathematician, crunched the numbers down to an average of six people per theater at an average price of eight bucks, forty-eight people in all.

There's an ego boost. I now have at least two instances, that I know of off the top of my head, that I have outsuccessed Simpson (I know, the relative equivalent of winning a scratch-off lotto ticket, cosmically speaking, but bear with me here, folks).

In December 2002, I co-promoted a professional wrestling event that drew 125 people, and with freezing rain falling. See, right there tells you something. I had to type that out, because it's more than one hundred. Even Simpson's freakin' movie, whatever wasted budget went into it, didn't draw that, and that was in eight theaters, as opposed to the one former middle school gymnasium our event went down in.

An eighth of the coverage, a zillionth of the budget, and fighting the elements the whole way, I still did at least two-and-a-half times better than the gaggle of schmoes who squeezed this one onto the big screen. Odd side note- Justin Berfield, who played the second oldest brother on Malcolm in the Middle, is listed as a producer on this. Who would have guessed he kept a little leftover suck from that show to pass on to future projects.

Secondly, I have outdone Simpson in Texas, raising over $500 in one day as a "compensated fundraiser," and during a Cowboys playoff game, to boot. Who's a bad motherf**ker? Telemarketing, I received a more positive reception than Jessica Simpson. Telemarketing. Not that I'm my biggest fan, but even I hate my ass when I am on the phones. By the blank stare and Stepford grin, Simpson's obviously having just an absolute blast. And I hope it burns, too. Yeah, take that, Hollywood, and smear it all over Simpson's next, ahem, project, the ironically-entitled Major Movie Star (another and hopefully ALL the way directly-to-DVD release), in the hopes it will propel it too into obscurity in the blink of an eye.

In closing, I now wait for Hollywood to come a knockin at my door, offering an expense account and two production assistants to allow me to write a script that's at least as good as any Sci-Fi Channel original (I am at least THAT confident in my creative abilities, given the three to four rewrites that will tack on another two or three writers for whom to share the blame), which guarantees it will be three times better than Jessica Simpson's next flick. Guaranteed. Better act quick, studio moguls, I would need four days, maybe a fifth if there's like a car chase or something in there, to cinch a better effort than the pizza spokeschick. That's what she does right, other than movies? I can't keep track of these things.