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Award winning School Assembly Speaker, Bully Prevention Curriculum Author and Ventriloquist, Richard Paul will be joining us to discuss bully prevention. Be sure to tune in for valuable information on how to protect your child from being bullied in school!
Also joining us is Life Coach and Speaker Tanya Brown! Learn how to break free of negative thought patterns and live a happier and healthier lifestyle. Tanya will also discuss how changing the way you think can be one of the best preventative tools to becoming a victim of bullying and other abuse. Tune In!
Welcome to D-TALKS RADIO with renowned speaker and advocate Denise Brown and life coaching author Danielle Pierre, voices that inspire change. Make sure to tune in every week as Denise and Danielle bring in expert speakers to discuss and educate their listeners on a variety of topics. And now your host, Denise and Danielle.
Hi, I'm Denise Brown.
And I'm Danielle Pierre.
Tonight we have some incredible guest. Award-winning speaker Richard Paul will be joining us.
And we also have mental health speaker, life coach and author, Tanya Brown on the show.
But before we introduce our first guest, here's Danielle with what's happening in the news.
Last week, we brought you the story that Topeka, Kansas had stopped prosecuting domestic violence cases. Well this week, we are pleased to report that the Shawnee County DA, Chad Taylor had said that Topeka will resume prosecuting domestic violence cases. Taylor had stopped filing misdemeanor domestic violence cases in the peak of last month stating that the county and city do not have the resources to prosecute them and repel this ordinance on domestic battery. This decision sparked outrage and public outcry from victims advocate and concerned citizens all over the country. This is an unprecedented step backwards says Joyce Grover, the Executive Director of the Kansas Coalition Against Sexual and Domestic Violence. Wednesday afternoon, Taylor relented and announced that Topeka would resume taking domestic violence cases, but budget cuts will still slow enforcement in these cases. Interim City Manager, Dan Stanley said the city would _01:42_ for Taylor's office to get more funding. So great job to all of you who let your voice be heard and as Denise said to me, that people has spoken. Denise?
Our first guest is known as the bullying preventer. Richard Paul is an award-winning speaker and ventriloquist. He is a high energy value-driven school assembly and educational conference presenter. He shares his passion for bully prevention education to audiences in both the United States and Canada. More than 600,000 students, teachers, counselors and administrators have heard his message. Each of his bully prevention and safe school programs offer an exceptionally creative and content rich presentation on self-esteem, character building, anti-bullying, success skills and positive behavior support. Please welcome to the show, Richard Paul.
Hi Richard, welcome to the show.
Hey, how are you doing?
Pleasure to be here.
We're really excited to have you on our show tonight. You tell yourself to become a ventriloquist at the age of 11 and over the years, you've been giving back to communities all across the country by educating them that bullying is not okay. What made you think of combining those two?
Well, what happened is -- I was just doing ventriloquism. At that time, schools just wanted ventriloquist shows, or magic show and fun shows for their assemblies and it was like a break for the kids. So that's all I was doing and I was doing it, I had a feeling of showcase for an art and humanities project, it was here in Michigan. I had to do my little show, my little -- they give me five minutes. When I finished, a teacher come running after me after and said, "You got to do a diversity program." Because of I was born with a birth defect, I got a shorter arm, two fingers, since you have the diversity program. And I said, "I don't do this". She was, "See you can do it, I have faith in you and I'm booking you in these five schools." And so I went up to my room, and I started to put some ideas. I went to the library, did some research because back then, there was no internet like we have now. And I put together the diversity show. And then from there, I put together a conflict resolution show because I'd thought that would be a gift for the kids and teach them how to get along and how they control their anger. And then inside of me, there's just something inside of me that's way before bullying, it wasn't popular as it is now, if you will in the media world. Everybody totally speaking against it that is. I decided, because I was a kid being bullied, I wanted to implement that as part of my program. And so I created a program called the No Bully Club, and I started marketing it at schools and the rest is history.
So you were actually bullied as a child, that's why you got into doing this?
Oh yes. Being born with a birth defect, having only two fingers and a one arm, you got kids teasing you calling two fingers and telling me you can't do things. And then there was one bully in high school that was just awful for me, he would slam me against the wall and put his two fingers in my face and call me two fingers. Anyways, since you know all that kind of stuffs that -- when I start putting this program the others are just remembering these things. The safety boys that would be in a corner of this, supposed to be the safety guys, they help because he was bullying me everyday on the way to school. So all these things came back to me, and I thought, "You know, I want to do something." But then I thought, "How can I make this funny? How can I make this entertaining enough?" The key is anytime you see something on bullying, it's their duty and a one circumference in Vegas and God bless all the wonderful people over there, but they all give the sad, sad stories and the other a lot of sad stories and I do tell some too, but you want to keep the entertainment fact to go and see keep not only the kids, but you want to speak to teacher and parents and I just did something for the united all the workers near Detroit last year. To keep their attention, there is going to be some humor, there is got to be some fun in addition to the seriousness, but that fun got a tied end to the seriousness into the main topic and the main master that you giving and that's what I try to do.
So, you actually speak to children as well as adults to educate them that bullying is not okay and the work force as well?
Oh, yeah, yeah I have done quite a few conferences. I've done -- they had, like this case it was the UAW and General Motors coming together doing a real education. Education, it was actually a diversity program. So, they want me do some diversity, but he really want if all the element in there and quite frankly, when I did that I wasn't sure how is going to work the way they were marketing at their people, but the end of working very well. A lot of people -- I'm talking to people to look like bikers that has muscle that you see with the tattoos and big hey man dude! That you would say "oh men they were probably bullies" and these guys were getting up with tears in the eyes telling stories about how they where target the bully and they would, with one interesting day. I'll never forget I mean I learned something from those people as well as a lot of them said "oh, we learned a lot from you," and I'm thinking, "man, I learned a lot from you guys."
I actually watched some of your videos and presentations and I have to say that I was in hysterics, the one I saw this morning the Duck Sense, I did post it on our website so anybody that wants to view that make sure that you go there and take a look, but it is very entertaining, your approach. I find exceptional because you're addressing this in a humorous way where children and your getting the attention of children and actually I think the one that I saw this morning was, there was a lot of adults in the audience and they were real humored in getting into this, but rather than just give a speech, it was entertainment and yet it had a very positive and strong message and I just think that that is incredible. Honestly, I think that I haven't seen anything like that before and I'm curious in your curriculum, I know that you talked to both children and to staff members and school staff members or what not, but can you give us an idea of what's your curriculum that you have put together because we talked a little bit, you said that you had put together the curriculum per school to incorporate into their program, the spoke around rather daily program? Can you give us a little insight on what that is? What you're doing?
Yeah, what happen is over the years, I've had several principals, parents, teachers come up to me and say "Wow, we love your massage if only you had something we could then take back for the class from a week and do after school or we could do as a school project" and I said, "Yeah, I'll do it, I'll do it and I always hitting the deck, it's always in my head and then last year, one of my client from Flint, Michigan, she called me up. It was a charter school and she said to me "I've got some grant money. I want to bring you in a regular basis as a consultant to the student and the kids, but I need a curriculum" and I said "Well, I have this idea", she goes "Write it. You can do it I will help you, I will coach you," and she did. And she was just so helpful I would bounce things off. So, basically when I do that I put seven lessons together. The first lesson talks about counseling versus bullying, the second lesson talks about what to do if you're a target of a bully, the third lessons talks about what to do if you're a bully and how not to be a bully. The third lesson is the diversity element understanding differences and then it goes onto having a lesson on standing up and speaking up and I have a lesson, I' m being responsible for your action because a lot of teachers to these kids got learned to be responsible for what they do. They have to be responsible for their own actions, so I created a whole lesson on that and my final lesson is kind of a review of the whole thing, but this is something that me in counseling over there the Flint school put together an idea if we called it the Duck Sense Bully Prevention Team and what it is getting the student, the teachers, the parents, everybody involved as part of this team who really are the eyes and ears of everyone to make sure that there is no bullying in the school. And I _10:03_, we this together like, as if it was like an optimist club in the school or key club in the school where they actually can set it up with the meeting, they have a vision, they have goals, they have justice, they have ideas in different things that they can do.
So, it's really a mix in with the curriculum, that's why it's the final thing if the school want to do it, but for the teachers in the classroom, I mixed in History lesson, I mixed in Geography, I mixed in Math. So, if they are doing their Math or History or Geography, their writing, their English, they can take part on one of these lessons and include it and now they are still teaching their English, they are still teaching their history, but they are now able to implement a bully situation. An example is Ben Franklin was bullied by his half brother and what I do is I tell its story, but then I show them how he could have ended up being a bully himself or where they can discuss and see the ways on how he battered himself to really look at around because that time there weren't libraries. They looked for things to read, taught himself how to read, taught himself how to create things, taught himself how to get involved in the community and that's how we started the first library system in Philadelphia. So, I mean all these things, they are learning in the classroom, but here's a guy that was bullied and he could have once the bad way and had been a bully himself instead he wants, how can I make this better, how can I be better myself and that is why I try to do in the curriculum. It showed different stories like definitely they may not know about, but it's part of their history lesson.
I didn't know about that. It's incredible and so now you've taken just regular history or the history and found stories of other people that had been in situation where -- a lot of times children thinks it by themselves and even I think the bullies, right? Am I correct?
And so, now you have take in and keep, where the bully likely is being bullied by somebody or what not and show them a more positive approach. I just find it hugely effective and I think also...
Especially in the part where I put in that roles apart and how she was all alone at that bus and she has to make a decision whether she is gonna get up and these bullies were -- I mean, let's face it, back then it was protocol of freewill that they had to stand up if a white person needed to sit down and she decided that "Enough is enough, I'm tired of this." I used this as an example of how you can stand up full of bullies around the bus, at the bus to the school and somebody bullying you, you can say "that's enough. I don't need to deal with it. I can speak up and stand up and say no, this is wrong" and that's why I tried to put the two together.
Richard, can I just tell you that this is amazing, because so many schools, the hardest part of any kind of a curriculum other than Science and Math and History, is to get another curriculum into the school system. I mean they start cutting programs as opposed to adding program, so what you have done in essence is you have created a way to bring this kind of curriculum into the school, because you are utilizing the history, I think it is absolutely brilliant and I really, I want this to go into every school system across the country, absolutely brilliant.
Well, thank you, thank you. Like I said, it's the collaboration of me and my editor, Melissa. She just did an awesome job, because she is a teacher herself and she taught so many curriculums through the years of teaching, she said, "Richard, example, we have the stuff we get and they spend thousand and thousand dollars for it and lot of these are good, I'm not saying it is bad, but it's really deep." Well, this year I mean I make it fun, I make it interactive, I mean I got activities and here and games and things that they can do in the classroom or after school. It's reminding them like I got game in there, like a matching game where the kids have to -- if the teacher has a plan to do this or could do this after school or they put on the car, tell mom, tell dad, tell my aunt, tell the teacher, those was reported, reporting that if somebody is bullying them they got to tell to somebody. And so the ideas like the old matching game, remember when you go on there and you pull off something and you find a square. If you get to find another square and I think you find the few squares and then you got those two and then you look for something else and so my ideas with teaching and get the kid off, okay it's that, I got to tell mom, I got to find and tell mom. So, apparently, they are going to tell mom and then the report said, "Why we're telling mom in case somebody is bullying us? We tell mom or we tell the teacher?" So, it's just a constant reinforcement, but it's a lot fun at the same time.
Wow, that's really incredible.
What grade do you generally teach this to or do you have a curriculum for may be older students, high school students and I think bullying actually, well, I don't know -- does it go into college? I mean, honestly, I think lately it has been done. Yeah. (Crosstalk) actually right?
Yeah. I just saw the conference in Chicago with the stage school _14:58_. They only come into an account speech and when I came up like -- three or four deans come up to me from several colleges around that area and I won't mention them and they said, "We got bully situation not only with our students, but with our staff bullying one another and we need you, we need you," so this is really interesting. This curriculum unfortunately is set from first to sixth grade. My plan was to see how this goes, I'm collaborating with another guy right now and putting the other middle school, high school program that is gonna be awesome, but it probably won't be out for a year or so, but he and I are working on the collaboration of that. So, I'm always open that suggestion is always -- somebody comes up to me, like this gentleman came up and said, "I love your thing." Now, this is the idea have to be worked together, and I am always willing to partner with somebody because the idea behind all these my mission, my goal, and I have done in a lot of principal -- I've spoken to a lot of principal in events and I just spoke with that thing in Vegas about the girl in No Bully Program and a lot of them will say, "Well, you're saying eliminate the bullying, you think you can actually do it?" I said, "Well, that's one of my goal." We had a goal, the goal to the moon and nobody -- I have it in my curriculum too. Please we can get to the moon, but John Kennedy gets up there and says, "We're going to the moon" and everybody is doing, how. How we're going to do this. Nobody had no ideas, so I'm saying we can put an end though, we can eliminate it. I guess teachers come out and, "Well, what is going on?" Since the beginning of time, I go "well, yeah, maybe, but maybe we can stop it," if there is anything that we can put to them the most of it.
Absolutely, but as you know, as long as we continue to say well, it's been going on forever, so it's never gonna stop and that's you will get done, you're absolutely right, so by taking action, yeah definitely. And this was the preventiveness in this is, I really I'm enjoying because you're starting at the young age and you're incorporating this in the History, lessons in Math. Well, you know, into the lesson itself and I just think that that's wonderful because if planting a seed of positive thinking and positive behaviors in the smaller children, so you start passing this message on early on and that will eliminate future bullying I believe. Richard, how many works still you have?
Right now, I have this one, I have another booklet, and this is coming out for younger kids, because I do the story in my elementary program. Well, initially due from a little too and I can't believe I get away with it because the kids will come to me and like it. So I'm thinking it put my work for even in the middle school, but I wrote the story about it. You've seen Peking duck on the website. So, Peking duck is telling a story about when he was a little duck. When he was a little duck, how he was bullied and how he ran into this squirrel and I call it the squirrel dressed like a girl because she has got a breast on and a hat, and he learn from the squirrel to what to do to stand up with the bully peacefully and so I just finished the story at least the first draft of that and my plan is to turn it into a workbook where teachers can use or parents can use and there will be a lot things that they will be enable to clear off the line. I'm hopeful to get it up by maybe mid next year depending on how long it takes to get the artwork done and everything else, but it's story that really teaches the kids how to work together and stand up and also to me, I think I really see all ages the eye contact and keeping your hands to yourself. Because if you give somebody eye contact, it's very intimidating and that story really had set me on that.
So, when you're actually doing this for an assembly. Okay, you've got your Duck Sense Program and you're doing your ventriloquism, is that how you say it?
Well, you got it, you got it.
Okay, when you are doing this, I mean do you change your voice? Can we get a little bit of, you know, your little buddy there, how he is talking to the two of us?
Oh. Yeah. I can bring him out right now. Peking Duck, you want to go out?
Oh. Yeah. Yeah, I'm here. How you're doing. Good to see you all here. Oh, nice to see you all. I'm here. I'm ready to have a good time with everybody here and we are -- where we are?
We're on the radio show right now.
We're on radio? Oh my Goodness! Oh, it's good to be here. Oh my -- okay, I hope _19:14_ is not listening. Hello, how you're doing? I'm Peking Duck. I'm having a great time here on the radio.
Okay, you can stop there. Okay. Just let me speak.
No, I'm done. Let me talk now and there you go, little Peking Duck for you.
I want to talk.
That's wonderful. Oh my God now, I could...
He is totally played to help these kids would just absolutely love it and adults, I mean you had me laugh.
Oh yeah. (Crosstalk) How I came over the duck idea? My wife and I, we've asked a little girl from China, she is not so little anymore. She is 14 and I came up -- and I'm walking around when I had to walk around in the street of China, the several cities where I walk -- it will get too lengthy if I go in to that, but I would walk around and sell these Peking ducks and white ducks, and then our tour guide, who most of it, he talked like this when he talks. So, I was imitated him when he talk and let me turn you into a public play. Is that okay? His name is Henry. I go, "You okay with that because I don't want to be mean to you". "Oh no, I will be honored. I mean, I love that you do that. This would be in a video. I want to see ducks. I want to see ducks sounds like me," and I'm speechless. And that man is a great guy.
I have to say, Peking Duck, because I saw, I have watched the videos and very funny. Very funny. I love the way he got his name. I heard that story this morning and I thought that was hilarious and anybody who is out is curious, go to the website and check it out, I put it on our D-TALKS RADIO, but do you have other characters or just Peking Duck?
Oh no, I have several characters. In this program, I actually have another owl, his name is Professor Oly Owl, and I use him to explain what a bully is and then what happens is to the course of the whole thing into bullying me, and the younger ones really get the older kids like I do a little twist on that's what I'm doing, I mean, actually I used them in high school tour last week. I never use them on the high school over on on. I just want to see how we do when I ask the client, and he go, "Yeah, try it." And he went over just remarkably. I just change the things and twist it. But I probably have 60 different characters that I have. I just did a Disney, it had me come down and I did something and one of the guys will "How many you have?" He says. Some of your photos a year, your profits that you have -- so we can sue what we want a deal with you and I've sent them these, these sheet of amigos and they said like, "Oh no". If I get more than this, it goes, "Oh, my goodness." Because I mean, I've got a rat, I've got a chicken, I've got a wooden boy puppet, his names is PJ as I use. So it is just -- whatever program that I'm dealing, I'll grab -- I have those particular territories. I used Peking Duck for most of them because he is like the president of Duck Sense thing. But what I have I guess, just purchased the other ducks and then use another two of the ducks and sometimes some place in him that I go working on really well too. So, it's just I'm trying to keep a duck in every show because of that being a Duck Sense thing.
Well Richard, we really enjoy having you on this show. I wish we can talk a little bit more about this actually. But I do want everybody to make sure they do come to the website to check you out, check out the videos. This is -- Denise, you have any other questions for Richard or?
No. I think what you have is absolutely amazing and I love the fact that you had put this into the school systems and are able to combine the curriculums with your programs, with your curriculums that you have, and I think you're going to go far. I'm just -- by doing this you are going to go far, and the school assemblies and any which way that we can reach kids to teach them that bullying is not okay. I think it's absolutely awesome. Thank you, Richard.
Well, thank you guys. I appreciate this opportunity and anytime you need me just give me a call. I'll be happy to come on back and share some more Duck Sense.
Most certainly. Thank you.
Take care, Richard.
Stay tuned and we'll be right back with our next guest.
Bullying, violence, and suicide among teenagers and college students has increased tremendously over the past few years. We need to educate our families, students, school staff, and the community on how to detect a problem and prevent the tragedy. The Elite Speaker's Bureau, Inc. was formed to educate the public and bring awareness to many issues, including bullying, abuse, violent crimes, stalking, and mental health, just to name a few. Our speakers are professionals with vast knowledge on these topics. The Elite Speaker's Bureau team includes renowned authors, advocates, therapists, celebrities, and more. If you would like to book one of our acclaimed speakers for your next event or for more information, visit www.theelitespeakersbureau.com or call 949-544-1410. That number again is 949-544-1410.
Welcome back. Our second guest tonight is Life Coach Speaker and author, Tanya Brown. Tanya uses her own personal experiences to focus on the causes, recognition and effective coping skills necessary to manage stress, depression, and anxiety. Her presentation is stimulating and guides the audience through a process of turning mental illness into mental health. Tanya emphasizes the significance of proper self-care in achieving and sustaining an optimal quality of life. Please welcome to the show, Tanya Brown. Welcome to the show, Tanya!
Great! Hey Danielle, thanks for having me.
Hey thanks, Denise. Thank you too.
It's wonderful having you.
So, I want to ask you, I know that you speak on mental health, I'd like to know how you initially got started speaking and being so passionate about this issue of mental health?
You know first, I'd like to address the -- I think as a society, we really need to come up with like a uniform definition of mental health and mental illness because a lot of times people misconstrue the two. Mental health is about maintenance and sustaining optimal mental well-being, and you do that through tools of self-care whether it's a meditation or a journaling and I will hop that in about a little bit later. But mental illness are the ones that are diagnostic. So those are the depression -- are those who suffer from depression, bipolar, schizophrenia. So, my message really is how can we prevent mental illness? Because we can, many people are predisposed to mental illness, but you can prevent it, and if you can't prevent it, there's coping skills on how to manage it. Because life isn't over if you've been diagnosed. And then with mental health, what can we do everyday to not bury it, not ignore it, not neglect it, but what can we do to help manage our life. And it's funny, Denise and Danielle, I'm just gonna call you "the DD," that I never knew -- I mean, I studied psychology when I was at UCSD, and my first doubt of depression came in '89 after my best friend, Elizabeth killed in Laguna Beach, California. And I didn't know what was going on, even though I studied psychology and I knew what suicide was, but once you experience it, you don't really know how to define it for yourself. And so when I went down the UC San Diego shortly after she got killed, the climb on a bridge was looking appealing. And I might, "Okay, what? What in the world is going on and I fell into this huge depression?" that I could not get out of for almost two years. And Nicole had called me up one night -- one day during my experiences with this down in -- when I was still a student down there and down in San Diego and she said, "You know Tanya?" she said that, "If you're unhappy, stop thinking about it."
Sometimes she shrug that quote, "Delete the need to understand". We don't need to understand everything, some things just are. And I think that has a lot to do with a lot of the unhappiness and stress that people are experiencing today is that, "Why this doesn't this work for me? Why does life always comes so hard? Why is it that my husband or my girlfriend doesn't like me? Why are my kids driving me crazy?" All of the self-talk as to why life is so hard all the time. And Denise, you're my sister, you know, I still battle with it, and sure I may not flip out per se, but I get into my little stressful moments, but it may last for a day or a couple of days, but then I'm like, "Okay, I try to grab and control of it now and learn how to manage this."
Tanya, how do you grab control and how do you manage that? Because when you start getting into that funk and then to that depression and you sit there and it's like, how would you be able to tell somebody? It's like how do you reverse your brain into thinking, "I don't wanna be depressed. I don't want this to be in my head anymore." How do you do that?
It is the most challenging thing because you of all people know that when I was -- when Elizabeth goes back to the question that you originally had asked me, is that when you are so debilitated, and that's what happened to me back in 2004, that my wedding was cancelled a month before. I went a full-on self-destructive mode. I was angry, I couldn't eat. I think our mom try to feed me applesauce and I couldn't eat it. It was just so debilitating. Someone -- somebody is in that horrific debilitating, it can't get out of bed, that wind-up doll that we all see in commercials. It is the hardest thing to start looking around you and seeing the beauty around you, but you can just like -- and it is so hard, and believe me it is a skill I got thrown into a psych ward for crying out loud, _29:29_ about this.
Okay. So being thrown into the psych ward actually helped you get out of this depression? Is that how you were taught the skills on how to snap yourself out?
Yeah. I mean I remember during that episode that when we realize that I needed to go into the hospital, I remember you telling me, "Honey, you need to go get coping skills," and I'm like, "I don't have them." Kids aren't taught coping skills in school, and some families it is like, "Okay, things happen. You just need to pick yourself by the bootstraps and carry on." But some people don't function that way, and I was one of those people. That I just did not have the coping skills on how to get myself out of this. So, my inspiration now and my motivation is to help people say, "Okay. Before I get thrown into a psych ward like Tanya did, what tools did she learn that can help me get out?" Okay and these are some of them. The minute that you start and it may not be that very minute, but if you can practice the skill of getting out of the negative self-talk, because really it is our negative self-talk that keeps us in the funk that we are in.
Absolutely. It's a thought process.
It really is. You're brain -- and I think if -- if this isn't all about just like the secret, or a positive, or post-psychology, this is science, and there is research backing this up. Now they can see the activity in the brain distinguishing what happy thoughts can do to brain, what activates the brain, and what negative thoughts activate the brain or where and how? And so there is science backing this up. Say for example, Denise, when I'm in the back of the house and I like, "I'll stress out because that's just who I am. I'm emotional all of it." But immediately instead of complaining about how the backyard look, you know that how -- or are we just need to do that, the backyard or I wish like pool would be a lot easier. I go, "Okay, you know what honey? You got to recover your head. You got your parents and sisters who love you. You've got a happy little dog, even though he drives you crazy sometimes," but -- you can see it's like start switching it around a little bit.
What trigger that thought process? It's the recognition of your thoughts, right? What triggers you to say, "Okay, let me change this." Because that I think is where...
No. And you're very right on Danielle. It's like that again is a skill and then squeeze and learn to recognize how affected you are by the little words that you say to yourself for all the little complaints that you say all day until a person can recognize that. And you know, we all have that little voice that sits on our shoulder saying, "Oh, you can't do that. Oh God, look at this environment." We all have that. So, it's really making a concerted effort, say "Well, you know what? I was listening to Tanya, Danielle and Denise today and they helped me realize that, you know what, okay, my kitchen may be a mess but at least I have a kitchen where I can make a mess. How fortunate are we to be able to have a kitchen." So, it sounds silly, but it's like we have to learn, again it's a skill. It's a constant struggle with me as well, but I know it worked so that's why I'm sharing it with people. It's to turn it around, because with every negative statement or thought that you have about yourself or of yourself, or about your environment, or about someone else, there's always a positive on it. And I'm telling you, once you can acquire this skill, you approach life differently, you approach people with more empathy and more compassion, and more gratitude, your life shift. But again, it is a skill. There's something called "cognitive behavioral therapy." And for anybody who are suffering from depression or substance abuse, any type of addiction, cognitive behavioral therapy seems to be -- and actually doesn't seem to be, it is the most effective form of therapy to overcome any type of depression and even with substance abuse. It's been proven.
Well, how do people develop, and I'm going back to the skill of recognizing when your thoughts are running away with you. Because that's really what's happening is, people thought they are taken over by their thoughts instead of their thoughts are controlling them, I should say, rather than them controlling their thought. And so, how do you develop the skill to recognize that you are being taken over by your thoughts again and to turn that around and take control of the wheel? Where is that point and how do you develop that skill?
I think the point it comes at different times per different people. It depends on how ready you are. I mean I -- this took a lot of work. You should see the binder of all the tools and worksheets and everything that I've done. This really, really takes time. It takes patience and it takes a lot of self-work, I don't like to call it homework. I'd like to call it self-work because you really got to work on yourself in order to make these changes. So, I think everybody gets to that point at different points in their life, but for any change to happen everything needs to start with awareness. Okay so, "I'm unhappy in my home life. I'm unhappy at work. I'm unhappy when I'm driving the car. I get stressed out easily. I better get control of this wheel right now or ask from my higher power or whatever it is or whoever it is that you praise to. I better get control of whatever's going on in my life, because if I want to make any changes, I need to change how I'm responding or reacting to something." Okay, so here is something that Jack Canfield, and I always use this in my mental health presentation, that Jack Canfield, Chicken Soup for the Soul author. He wrote a book called - he wrote the book - yeah, it's a great book. But he wrote a fabulous book called "The Success Principle," and in this book is that -- oh it's great, it's about 5,000 _35:20_. It's just a good book to have on your bookshelf. But in it, he talks about the emotion, the reaction, and the outcome, and this is so poignant. So, for anybody who's listening here, really listen to this. That an event or a situation will happen in your life, it can be something as running late to getting in a car accident, it doesn't matter the magnitude, an event will happen in your life at a moment. It's a split second between that event and your response or your reaction that will determine your outcome. And again this is a skill and I still battle with it, but I try every time I run into something. But I know this works if you just really grab and hold of it.
So in that split second, if you react, you are going to get an emotional outcome. You're going to get in an irrational outcome, okay? And Denise knows me very well that this has happened many times over my life, okay? So, I'm right? Okay so yeah, I think about this then I educate and it's like you know what I'm very candid and I am very vulnerable and I just figure you know you'd got to be authentic to people really understand them really. But if you can stop that reaction, which is emotional, if you can turn that reaction into, you know what I'm going to stop, count to five. I'm going to respond to the situation, because responding that will be a more rational response which will then bring out a more positive and more effective outcome. So, it's really a split second and again everything starts with awareness. If you're noticing your behavior suck, if you notice that you're just a negative person and people have told you that you are a negative person. It seems need to happen and in order for any case to happen you need to be more self-aware of your spot. How you're reacting to people? How you are responding to people, because there's a difference. How you're coping to stressful events? You know, everything starts of that awareness and what really helps with people is journaling. Journaling is a great concept it's you know, okay, here I had an event today to sit down and assess it. I had an event that happens today and it brought everybody down because I reacted totally different. Okay?
No, wait a minute, one second with your journaling is that when you're writing something down, is it because you are taking it outside of yourself and putting it on that piece of paper? So, it really doesn't belong to you anymore that it's kind of like you've taken it out of yourself and given it way. So, you're able to deal with it and cope with it better?
Yeah, that's good Denise, good question. I think of with journaling, it gets you, it's kind of like when you need to make a budget that is or like a food diary and women we have all done our food diaries and many of us have done budgeting. We need to get things out on paper. You see things more clearly. So when you're going through an event, you've got behavior, you've got emotions, you've got actions, but you don't have anything written in front of you that makes you really see how did that outcome come to where? How did I get to that? So, just by making that self-assessment. Writing it down, now that's the form of journaling or journaling is hard for some people and also going back to that it's not that your getting power a bit away. You're actually gaining power because you're becoming more self-aware of who you are. But also when you write things down you're living your brain open to much more things that need your attention. So and that's why I'm set an advocate forgetting it out of your head and out of your soul and putting it on paper, so I say you don't ruminate on it. Because when we see it, we're like, "Wow. Okay, you know what, I'm seeing everything much more clearly now."
Okay, so what is it that you're doing? Are you teaching people these tools? Are you counseling people through mental wellness? What is it that you Tanya Brown are doing for people or what are you available to do for people?
Every time that people think of our family, Denise, they automatically think of domestic violence and I will always do work on domestic violence just to honor full in survivors and victims, but that was a very indirect experience that happened to me and see you and I and say, when you get thrown into a psych ward for 10 days, and when you do an outpatient every single days for two and a half months, I feel very connected to that and it taken me almost it was eight years ago on the 11th of this month that I would put into be with this now Mission Laguna Beach Hospital and so I'm very positive about it, but it has taken me almost eight years to say, "Hey guys, you know what, yeah I wasn't in psych ward. Yes I want it to end my life because life sucks and life is hard, and I needed, I needed the way out or I needed to get help." So, my goal and my motivation is to reach as many people whether you're cooperative executive, stay at home mom or working mom, college kid. I mean college kids right now suicide is on the increase because the lack of self-care. They're going through a huge life transition, they're independent for the first time, they're scared, they don't know how to deal life on their own and then on top of it, they're not getting their adequate sleep, they're drinking all those energy drink all day long and then they snap.
Yeah. And they did not educated on the preventative measures either a lot of the time and I think that has lot to deal with what you're doing with this educating on how to stop it before it gets there.
Tanya in the public, a lot of bullying and suicides, we just had our first guest on Richard Paul and he was talking about how much the bullying there is and he does work with some bullies, teachers and students and everybody as well. What have you seen or what have you noticed or what would you tell these kids, these younger kids when they're being bullied and how to kind to prevent that in their thought process of I don't want to commit suicide. Do you understand my question?
Yeah, no, absolutely and I'm so glad what that we are all talking about it. You know bullying is to be standard the _41:39_ now and now we're finally we've given it a name and we're talking about it. I was just doing some reading this morning and I found something, I read something interesting that with suicide and bullying, it's like a mental illness causes somebody to commit suicide so and I found that to be kind of interesting and everything has different research and different things on it, but in order to prevent a suicide, in order to prevent a depression we've got to raise that self-esteem. We've got to teach the kids...
If they do, to really say "Hey, you know what" and not be shy about it. After they told mom and dad, you don't be ashamed. Listen to your kid, if you are a parent whose or you are perhaps you know assuming that something is going on at school, maybe your kids coming home with torn clothes, they're not bringing homework, they're becoming angry or that becoming isolating or either isolating. They're not -- oh my God, bullying is just -- it has such a huge effect. So, what we need to do as a community and as parents is to really encourage kids to speak up and say, "You know what this person is not being very nice to me" and then if you see kids, "Hey, you know what you're beautiful, you are a fantastic kid" it's like giving them affirmations also raise their self-esteem getting them into some social -- yeah, give them some sort or putting into some maybe sports activity or doing in that into an activity that they may enjoy, help them engage in something that makes them feel good about themselves. Because that is in turn will raise the power of esteem, it will raise the self-confidence because they will say, "Oh, you know what I'm really enjoying soccer" or "I am enjoying ballet" or whatever the activity is. It raises the child's self-esteem because bullies will pick on those people that will walk with their head straight, with their eyes down instead walking straight up and if you know walking with confidence. I don't know much about bullying, but I'll tell you it's just like with domestic violence, a batterer will pick on somebody that is -- I don't want to say weaker than themselves...
No, but they believe that they can control.
Exactly, that's it. So, if parents can understand that, "Hey, you know what I think my kid is a victim of a bully" and not say "not my kid" you know, start facing up this is a really real thing, kids are killing themselves and to go one step further. I went to a bully preventing class with John Van Den Berg and in it -- in this class -- no, it was three of mental health systems in San Diego. There was a boy who killed himself and after when his dad was like going through his computer, just trying to get some answers. He actually discovered that there are websites out there, that a questionnaire where kids can asked themselves or they can answer question and then you know are you a bad influence?
Is it about their selves? If that about their selves...
Like, do you hang out with this kind of a click. Do you hang out with the dorks? Do you hang out with the popular people? Who do you hang out with? And then real personal question and then you submit the answers and then it teaches you -- it can see the answer on the best way to kill yourself.
Oh my gosh.
So for this part...kid...
This is on the internet?
It's on the internet and it was a primetime interview. For your next show or for just for further information, I should have done it before the show, but it just popped in my mind. Primetime did that interview and I can get that link or you can YouTube that or something. Anyway, so the best way for this particular kid to kill himself was to hang himself. So, to go one step further, this internet site taught the kid how to tie his own _45:27_.
Oh my God, that is absolutely horrible.
That is what is out there, I don't think parents today. I think parents, a lot of parents and I'm generalizing and I don't want to offend anybody, but parents you've got to know the password, you have got to know everything that your kid is doing online. You've got to open up your eyes to the signs of your child's behavior. Are they isolating? Are they sad? Are they depressed? Do they complain? Do they get headaches? Do they have stomach problems? Do they get anxious? Do they get fix up easily? These are all signs to something. You have got to open up your eyes and not save my kid, because you by saying that's not my kid. Your kid can kill somebody or can kill themselves? It is time to start with.
That's right and parents we need to start paying attention to what's going on because where in a society right now that's very, very busy and the babysitters or the internet and videogame and it could take a lot of pressure or friends who are under a lot of stress and this is just what it comes in so I think, yes Tanya, the parents do have to start paying attention, but can you be specific as in addressing parents in particular. What the do's and don'ts for your children as far as preventing just bullying and like you said building self-esteem I think that's a huge part of it and also what not to do?
You know I'm saying I'm not a parent so it's really hard for me to speak up and I don't really -- I mean I have seven nephews and nieces, but again it's totally different. You know but from what I've read and from what I've heard, I think that one thing that really stand up to me is that don't give your child too much freedom online. Do not give your child too much freedom online because we always [Crosstalk]. Yeah, we always think things gonna happen face to face. Do you know that kids are more online and on their text messages and on their iPhone more so than in front of people all day long. I mean they...
Don't know how to talk to people anymore because they don't even know how to speak.
Yes, I absolutely agree with you.
I think, put a computer, Denise, there is a home that some people were running in the community that we've living and I always admire this and I don't know if you ever saw that, but their computer was in their kitchen and you can see their kitchen as we were walking by with the dog and that is always stood out to me. I was like, "That is the family who is taking control of what their kids are doing." You know, so put the computer in a public place.
Instead in the [Crosstalk] behind the stores in your bedroom, absolutely.
Right and when the kid is getting in trouble don't send the kid to the bedroom because it's the bedroom where all the toys are out, all the computers and the iPhones and all of that.
That is wonderful advice actually is no closed lock doors, put computers in them absolutely, keep the door open, have it facing where you can see them. I mean there is a privacy issue there to a point, but how much privacy of the child because in doing that you put them at risk and there are software programs that can trace where your computer has been.
Absolutely, I have a question for the two of you? Does a child get to have -- we talk about privacy issues, until your 18 years old when you move out of your house at the age of 18, don't you have enough privacy? Are those first 18 years like the time and the place where a parent molds and educates, and gets that child ready for the outside world when they can have all the privacy in the world? They can have all the privacy after the age of 18 when they moved out from underneath your roof. So for me, I think that keeping that computer in the kitchen, in the forefront and letting people know we're not having these little secrets just kind to keep your kid alive.
There are pedophiles and child molesters and people that are bullying and there is all kind of really nasty things that are out there on the internet. So, hey, Tanya best advice, keep that computer out in plain daylight and right out in the middle of the room.
In the kitchen and I'm sorry I really want to have you come back cause we running out of time.
Today unfortunately, but I do wanna have you come back because as you know this is something that I'm passionate about as well and I believe that the underlying issue under every negative outcome is how to deal with mental wellness and mental illness, so I'd like to have you back.
Let's go further into this...
And anybody who has any questions of course I'm not a counselor, I'm a life coach and speaker so I've going to be very careful _50:15_ if I go with somebody, but if there is somebody listening to this show and what I've said has resonated with you, God please do not sit quiet, I don't want what happen to me to happen to you and I don't want you to get feel the point where you are not just thinking about jumping off a bridge, but you will jump off a bridge. So please just...
And we don't want that happening to anybody.
No we don't.
There is help, so have them reach out to me at tanyabrown.net and if I cannot help you I will get somebody who can. I promise you that.
And Tanya Brown is also a part of the Elite Speaker's Bureau, so if you would like to have her speak at any of your events or any of your conferences or corporate assemblies or what not you know don't hesitate to call and we will get Tanya to your community to speak out about mental wellness and the tool that you can use to help yourself or someone that you love so Tanya listen, thank you and we'll have you back here shortly. Thank you.
Enjoy your day.
We'll be right back.
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We would like to thank both our guest for sharing their expertise and messages with us tonight. We hope you enjoy the tonight's show. Thank you for tuning in and be sure to come back next week.
For guest and other show information visit us at dtalksradio.com. You can also follow us on Twitter, @DTalksRadioShow and find us on Facebook like click in the Facebook icon on our website. See you next week. Good night.
If you would like information about upcoming shows or are interested in booking a speaker visit www.dtalksradio.com. Thank you for listening to D-TALKS RADIO with Denise and Danielle. Be sure to tune in next week for another...
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