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• Archived Blog Post

  Date / Time: 8/31/2008 10:26 PM UTC

  I WISH I WROTE THIS ONE !!! BRAVO TO THE AUTHOR....
  

  Mitchell Rosen: No such thing as 'soul mate'

  
  MITCHELL ROSEN

  There are two phrases that cause me to cringe when husbands and wives discuss why they stay with an abusive or deceitful spouse. One is, "This person is my soul mate" and the other is, "I prayed on it."

  Both of these statements absolve both the perpetrator and victim of all responsibility for their decisions.

  I have heard men and women tell me their mate has cheated, lied, stolen money, been physically abusive, and when I ask, "Why do you stay?" the answer is either, "Because they are my soul mate" or, "I prayed on it."

  At the risk of sounding like the Grinch who stole Christmas, let me say, from a professional point of view, there is no such thing as a "soul mate." I love the idea that there is a magical coupling, blessed from above and in whose hand destiny has played a part, but in real life it just doesn't exist.

  If I've learned little else by doing marriage counseling for 30-plus years, I have come to understand that successful marriages are the result of hard work, compromise, and acceptance. It is not, as Hollywood would have us believe, because we were lucky enough to pick the right person.

  Sure, all the basics have to be in place. It is essential there be a sharing of attraction, common values and compatibility. No doubt. But there are actually hundreds if not thousands of potentially wonderful mates for every man and woman out there. So if you let your "soul mate" slip through your fingers, you are not destined to a life of loneliness.

  The other rationalization marrieds use to justify staying with poor choices is, "I prayed on it." This implies that the person spoke directly to God and God personally talked back and assured this person they were making the correct choice. It is impossible to bring up issues of disagreement when the person you are arguing with falls back on, "I prayed on it." Where do you go with that? Nowhere, unless you are willing to suggest this person is using theology to justify mortal decisions, which is exactly what they are doing.

  It is an excellent idea to get advice for complex and life changing decisions. Speaking with clergy, trusted advisors, family and friends are all available resources. Prayer is fine as part of a process but claiming, "God told me to do this," is really saying, "This discussion is over and I will not entertain any divergent views."

  Blind trust is the ally of abusive relationships and naiveté. If the choice you have made is a healthy one, scrutiny is not the enemy. Good choices resonate with personal satisfaction and happiness that are not at one's expense.

  Mitchell Rosen, M.A., is a licensed marriage and family therapist with practices in Corona and Temecula. Contact him at family@PE.com

  • Tags:
  • Soul Mate
  • Deceit
  • Unhealthy marriages
  • Cheating
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