Lyonezz  

Why women stay in violent relationships has always been the first question that most people ask, when they hear about a domestic violence situation.  To begin to address this question you must first be clear about what domestic violence is. The relevance of this discussion to Blacks becoming united to do the work in the struggle is part of our struggle is looking at, really looking at some of the realities of what is happening in our neighborhoods, in our own homes.... things that we do have control of. 

DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

Domestic violence is about power and control.  It is often described as battering. Battering is a pattern of coercive behaviors used by one person to establish power and control over another person with whom an intimate relationship is or has been shared through fear and intimidation, often including the threat or use of violence. Battering happens when one person believes that they are entitled to control another. Much like how whites believe they are entitled to control people of color.

Intimate partner violence is deeply connected to the societal oppression of women, children, and People of color.

Domestic violence may include not only the intimate partner relationships of spousal, live-in partners and dating relationships, also familial, elder and child abuse may be present in a violent home. Abuse generally falls into one or more of the following categories: physical battering, sexual assault and emotional or psychological abuse, and generally escalates over a period of time.

Victims of abuse may experience, emotional, mental, intimidation, isolation, financial, sexual, and using the children.  These forms of abuse may be experienced but are not limited to the following :  control of finances, lying, using children to manipulate a parent's emotions, intimidation, isolation from family and friends, fear, shame, criticism, cuts, crying and afraid children, broken bones, confusion, forced sexual contact, manipulation, sexist comments, yelling, rages, craziness, harassment, neglect, shoving, screaming, jealousy and possessiveness, loss of self esteem, coercion, slammed doors, punched walls, abandonment, silent treatment, rape, destruction of personal property, unwanted touching, name calling, strangling, ripping, slapping, biting, kicking, bruises, punching, stalking, scrapes, depression, sabotaging attendance at job or school, brainwashing, violence to pets, pinching, deprivation of physical and economic resources, public humiliation, broken promises, prevention of seeking medical and dental care, ridicule, restraining, stalking, self-medication, forced tickling, threats to harm family and friends, threats to take away the children, threats to harm animals, threats of being kicked out, threats of weapons, threats of being killed.

The Wheel of Power and Control

The Power and Control Wheel depicted here was developed by the Domestic Abuse Intervention Project in Duluth, MN, to show the physical, sexual, emotional, and financial tactics that batterers use to control their victims. Power and control are at the center of the wheel because they are at the center of violent relationships. Batterers do not batter because they are drunk, high, stressed out, or angry. They batter because they want to maintain power and control over their victims, and they will use any means they can to do so.

Each of the spokes of the wheel represents a category of abusive tactics, ranging from emotional abuse to economic abuse to use of children. These are the tactics of control, and although every violent relationship is different, they share many of these tactics in common.  The outer portion of the wheel represents physical and sexual violence. The threat or reality of physical and sexual violence holds the violent and abusive relationship in place because it is the ultimate tactic of control. Although some abusive relationships do not include the reality of physical and sexual violence, the threat is always there for the victim, and the fear that goes along with that threat can be a powerful motivator for the victim to stay in the relationship.

WHY WOMEN STAY IN VIOLENT RELATIONSHIPS

Asking the question "Why do women stay in violent relationships?" is blaming the victim. People don't seem to ask nearly as often, "Why do men batter?" a question which places the blame with the perpetrator. It is easy to blame the victims in battering relationships. Often, those outside the relationship will think that if she really wants to leave, she can.  It's like asking a person of color what did you do to make the white people abuse you. Or Why do you people of color stay? When you start to overstand the similarities in these two situations you might begin to overstand the reality of power and control, which is what the abuse is all about. There are often many psychological issues affecting abused women and their ability to leave an abusive relationship.

When a victim is caught in the cycle of violence, she is experiencing many emotions. During the violent stage, she is often afraid of her partner. She knows better than anyone else what that person will do to her or her children if she tries to leave. A batter often has threatened to kill a woman if she tries to leave him. Once the violence is over, the victim hopes things really will change this time, tries to love the batterer in spite of the damage he may have done.  The batterer is on his best behavior during this time and the victim feels safe for the moment, and is often coerced  into thinking about the times when they first met the batterer, happier times like when you first get into a relationship.

During the tension building stage, the victim often grasps on to a sense of hope. More than anything, she wants things to change. She wants him to mean what he says – this time. Adding to the love, hope and fear, battered women often experience shame, embarrassment and isolation.  For the Black Woman these feelings are magnified because of the multitude of adversities she has to face on a daily basis. The National Coalition against Domestic Violence outlines three major categories for why women stay in abusive relationships:  For Black Women these categories are just the tip of the iceberg.

Lack of Resources

Institutional Responses

Traditional Ideology

In the next blog, we will revisit these categories and go deeper into how domestic violence specifically impacts Women of Color, especially Black Women and children.