Relationship RX  

Andrea is beside herself.  She and Allen got married almost three years ago.  The first year was amazing.  Being married was everything she'd hoped for.  He was attentive, affectionate, and supportive.  However, by the second year, she began to notice some small changes, which over the course of time grew to be big changes.  Now Allen seemed distant most of the time.  She felt like she couldn't connect with him no matter how hard she tried.  A lot of things had happened during those three years.  Allen lost a job and had to take a lower paying position with another company he didn't like much.  Andrea had a failed pregnancy and hadn't been able to get pregnant again.   Now they were talking about relocating to another state so Allen could get a better job, moving far from both their families and friends. 

Andrea is beginning to feel like her dream come true marriage is taking a nightmare turn.  She feels like Allen hardly notices her.  He has completely withdrawn.  She is living in a house with her husband and feels completely and totally alone most of the time.  He says he's not depressed and that everything is fine.  But she knows that everything is far from fine.  Andrea feels like she's constantly asking him what's wrong and trying to draw him out.  Now they fight about that on top of everything else they are fighting about.  He says she's nagging.  She says he's completely left their marriage even though he's still physically living there.  Andrea is beginning to think moving is a bad idea.  She's also beginning to have serious concern for her marriage.

Andrea called me wondering what to do about Allen.  I told her I was much more concerned about what to do about Andrea.  She really wasn't expecting to hear that Allen wasn't the problem.  "But he's completely emotionally unavailable." she protested.  "It's like he's completely lost interest."  This is question that we all need to be asking ourselves everyday if we want to keep our relationships alive.

"Are you still interesting??"

After a very long and awkward silence, she had to admit that even she didn't find herself very exciting. 

Now ladies, this is not about new lingerie or new hair color, not that those are bad things.  This is about being a genuinely fascinating woman.  Upon further examination Andrea was able to see that she had slipped into the oblivion of married life.  Since she'd gotten married she quit taking night classes so she could keep up with the house better.  She'd quit painting or doing her art.  She quit going out with her friends.  She almost quit exercising or walking with her mother.  Andrea had to admit, she was boring even to herself.  A good portion of her dissatisfaction with her marriage was because she was subconsciously unhappy with her own company.  She'd given up all these things "for Allen and the marriage".  She was resentful he didn't seem to appreciate it and in all honesty, he didn't appreciate it.  Allen admittedly  missed the woman he married.

Andrea was waiting for Allen to change so she could be happy, which never ever works.  However, the problem was the changes in Andrea.  When she figured out that she wasn't unhappy in her marriage, as much as she was just unhappy period, she knew what she had to do.  Andrea decided to return to her previous fabulous, fascinating self - at any cost.  She followed this advice.

1. Spend time with your girl friends.  At a minimum get together with the girls monthly, preferably weekly.  Guys are infinitely curious about what we do and talk about when the girls get together, though they will rarely admit it.  Good girl friend time is nourishing to the soul.  Whether it's laughter or tears - it's time well invested in you.
2. Take a class.  Learn something new.  There are ton of free or low cost classes out there that might interest you.  Look at the community college or the community center.  Do it alone or invite a friend to join you.  DO NOT insist your man join you. 
3. Get back to the gym.  This is not about losing weight.  This is about the feel good endorphins you raise when you work out.  Exercise improves mood all the way around.  Most importantly for this article, it improves libido and self esteem - both things that make for a very fabulous and fascinating woman.
4. Make time for yourself at home.  Do not insist on spending all your time together - together.  Retreat to another room to meditate or read.  In Andrea's case she would retreat to the sun room to paint.  Before she knew it she found Allen following her in there, "just to talk".  Give him some room to follow you!
5. Read - read - read.  A good book, whether fiction or nonfiction can provide limitless interesting things to talk about.  If the conversation at your dinner table ranges from how was work to kids and bills, wouldn't it be better to come to the table with more interesting juicy things to talk about.  "I've been reading this book about this boy growing up in India.  It actually reminded me of where you grew up in a lot of ways."  That is way more interesting then, "Did you pay the cell phone bill?"

By the way - three months later, Andrea and Allen are doing just fine!