Life, Love & Everything In Between  

1. Pray and ask God to bring to your mind all the people you need to forgive and the events you need to forgive them for. Make a list of everything God brings to your mind, even if it seems trivial to you. (Do not rush through this step: allow the Holy Spirit all the time He needs to speak to you.) 

2.  Name the offense as clearly as possible. It’s hard for us to forgive something that isn't clear to us. List what was actually done that caused your pain? Not what you felt, but list what was ACTUALLY done.  Make a TRULY honest assessment of THE SITUATION AND your reaction to the harm done to you. Often our reactions are as sinful as the offense against us. This awareness will help you keep a realistic perspective as you wade through your feelings.

3. Acknowledge your part. Were you honest about your hurt or did you hide the fact that the behavior hurt you? Did you seek peace by reassuring the perpetrator that it was all right? Did you stay when you could or should have left? If so, then you, too, have some responsibility. (Here you start to move away from being a victim.)

4. Make a list of what you gained from the relationship, whatever form of relationship it was. Looking back you may be focusing on the negatives, the hurts. Yet if they were repeated, you must have stayed to allow the repetition. You did not remove yourself. Why? There must have been some positives if you chose to stay around. What were they?

5.  Find someone trustworthy, non-judgmental and neutral to listen to your story. Having someone listen and understand is a powerful part of healing. Also, journaling prayers to God, crying with a trusted friend, or seeking help from a qualified counselor are all effective

6.  Let yourself feel the pain. We all want to skip this part. Even Jesus prayed to the Father asking to skip the cross (Matthew 26:39). Yet the pain Jesus endured because of our sin was part of God’s plan. Often, we’d prefer to be angry because it hurts less. However, forgiveness requires allowing ourselves to feel and express the pain caused by others’ actions. 

7.  Know that some of your feelings will be ugly. It doesn’t help to tell yourself that you “shouldn’t feel that way.” The fact is you do feel that way. Facing the truth before God is the beginning of freedom.

8. Recognize who is being hurt by your non-forgiveness. Does person you’re bitter and angry toward bur n with your anger, feel the knot in your stomach, experience the cycling and recycling of your thoughts as you replay the events in your mind? Do they stay awake as you rehearse in your mind what you would like to say or do to 'punish' them? NO, the pain is all yours.

9.  Are you holding someone within your circle of friend’s hostage because they haven’t stopped associating with the person who hurt you? If so, release them now.  Also, give up expecting things from other people they do not choose to give you.   

10.  Decide whether you want to confront the offender. The rule of thumb I use is simple. If it’s a relationship you want to keep, then make the effort. If not, let it go. Understand though, that sometimes it can be UNWISE to forgive face to face.  It depends upon your situation. Sometimes, it can make the other person feel "put down" and make you look holier-than-thou. However, pray about it and allow God to lead you on what you should do here.  Prayer will help clarify your decision. 

12.  Write a letter to the person (BUT DO NOT MAIL IT). Acknowledge what you gained from the relationship, and express forgiveness for the hurts. Allow yourself to express all your feelings fully. Do not focus only on the hurts.

13.  Create a ceremony in which you get rid of your lists and the letter, so symbolizing the ending of the link between you. You may choose to visualize placing them on a raft and watching it drift gently away down a river. You may prefer to burn them and scatter the ashes. You may invent some other form of ritualized separation.

OR

14. Take two chairs and arrange them facing each other. Seat yourself in one of the chairs. Imagine that the first person on your list is sitting in the other chair. Disclose everything you can remember that the person has done to hurt you. Do not hold back the tears or the emotions that accompany the confessions.

15.  Pray.  Make sure you pray.  That is the key.  This is merely a suggested prayer to pray as you "talk" to each person:

16.  Because I am forgiven and accepted, I can now forgive and accept you, _____________, unconditionally. I choose now to forgive you, _____________, no matter what you did to me. I release you from the hurts (take time to name the hurts), and you are no longer accountable to me for them. You are free.

17.  When you have finished praying through the hurts you have suffered, pray this prayer of faith: "Dear God, by faith, I receive Your unconditional love and acceptance in the place of this hurt, and I trust You to meet all my needs, I take authority over the Enemy, and I take back the ground I have allowed Satan to gain in my life because of my attitude toward _____________. Right now I give this ground back to you to whom it rightfully belongs."

18.  Release the person from the debt you feel is owed you for the offense. Say, "You are free and forgiven."  Then visualize the person you are forgiving being blessed by your forgiveness and, as a result, being freed from continuing the behavior that hurt you.

19.  Choose by an act of your will to TRULY forgive that person once and for all time. You may not feel like being forgiving and that's all right. Just do it and God will take care of that. Do not doubt what you have done is real and valid. And when you find yourself reverting back to old behavior or back into unforgiveness make a determined effort that you will not hold onto it.  If you have to, repeat all or some of the above steps.

If the person is still a part of your life, now is a good time to accept the individual without wanting to change aspects of their personality or behavior.

The practice of forgiveness has been shown to reduce anger, hurt depression and stress and leads to greater feelings of hope, peace, compassion and self confidence. Practicing forgiveness leads to healthy relationships as well as physical health. It also influences our attitude which opens the heart to kindness, beauty, and love. Also, understand that human forgiveness takes time.  Sometimes it takes years.  In the meantime, hold on to your goal which is, “To forgive and be forgiven.”