Uncut: Session B for Episode 5

Broadcast in Comedy

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Life in the Can

Life in the Can

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Married to a celebrity
The closer you get to celebritydom
The closer you get to dumpsterdom
You "Million Dollar" race hat from the horse track
The swag t-shirt
You dumpster times are gaining
Wearing someone else's pants
My China business will crush
I am so excited for The Great American Yard Sale
It is the time I live for
It's my Super Bowl
On my way to fame and fortune, but I want to camp out at the sale
That makes no sense
The person first in line get's to be in the newspaper
Sure, make sure to wear your spanks
China is heavy and fragile
I can't move quickly with it
You should hire some mercenaries
People that humped through jungles
Maybe get a donkey
Waiting outside a recruiting office
How about one night son?
Whatever kind of weather we'll face it together
One mission, son . . . make me money
I don't need someone who'll take up a lot of my tent
Finding a tic free tent
I won't sleep
You are risking your life
My industry is no different than any other on the planet
Why aren't you working a real job?
Devoting time to this
I just tell people I'm retired
What do you do?
Just try to stay busy
That's what retired people say
I pulled you from the gutter and pushed you into the middle class
I am exhausted
It's a junkapalooza
Does Road Rash Nipples show up for this?
He calls me his friend
I come to Goodwill to look at the people
He comes to talk with his friends
I then run away and do a lap
Working the resale shop
I've got a route that I develop
It's really a system for wealth creation
People with clean cars have disorders
Sweep up the donut bits
They probably don't go to drive-thru's
I need a completely rubberized car
You should make your own car
We'll get you a kit

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