Radio Blog Theater  

FOR THE BENEFIT OF MISTER KITE

PART 3

 

 

MUSICAL INTRO:

 

A

(coughing)

Hey! Somebody! Anybody!  Help!  Pleeeease. (pause) Oh, oh, God somebody help!  Its so dark.  Hate the darkness (coughing)…

(Pause)

(coughs)

A drink of water?

Thirsty!!!!!!

(pause)

In here, check in here…did you forget about m…um…did you forget?  I,uh…we’re in here.

Here.

Anybody?...Anybody…Hey, hey, hey, IN HERE. Anybody at all

(Pause)

 

I…(gags) I…we want to go home…LET US OUT  LET US

GO HOME.

(pause)

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE- PLEEASE

(whimpers)

 

I-We…we’ll confess.

(pause)

Whatever it was…I confess, I mean we, we confess!

I did it!

I did it!

Um…um…um…

WE DID IT

WE DID IT

WE DID IT…DID YOU FUCKING HEAR US…WE DID IT!

 SHIT, FUCK, FUCK…I’M GONNA FUCKING KILL YOU…

FUCKING KILL YOU!!!!

 

(Breaks down sobbing)

 

 

 

 

 

 

B

A human being…the human body can survive 3-4 days without water.  An animal that perseveres. We must admire that.  On or after the third of fourth day, they, it will begin to die from dehydration.  Its true, we read it on Wikepedia.  Food, people can…the human body can go without eating for a good couple of weeks.  Fatties can last a little longer.

(slaps A on the stomach)

We’re quite a chunker aint we, a real porker?

(laughs)

PIG PIG PIG.

(makes pig sounds)

 

A

Leave me alone…leave me alone…go away…you monster!

 

B

And ripe!  My Brotha, it stinks to high heaven in here.

Shit our pants, eh motherfucker, pissed em too…reckon?

FUCKING PIG!!!

(makes pig sounds again)

 

(pause)

 

A

(sobbing)

 

B

We’ll turn a light on and see how pathetic looking things are.

 

A

(screams)

Eyes! Eyes, too bright, too bright turn them off…hurts…owwwwwwwwww!

 

B

You faggot flip flopping liberal democrats don’t know what the fuck you want.  (mocking)

Oh, oh, I’m so lonely anybody there…Go away leave me alone….I’m afraid of the dark…oh too bright turn the light off…We have to go to war…oh no we gotta pull out now. 

Bunch fucking pussies sound like a goddamn cock teasing virgin,

(girlish voice)

Oh, I want you inside, but its so big, it will hurt…oh I’m not ready…oh, yes, make sure you pull out…we never done this before…eat my pussy first…we shouldn’t be doing this.

(normal voice)

You’re all cunts.  Fucking pig cunts!

(approx 15-20 seconds makes pig sounds, while beating A)

 

 

A

(screaming)

Stop! Stop!  …I’ll…me…I…I’ll…We… Sign anything, but please, please, begging, begging, just stop…I’ve got nothing to hide.

 

B

Are we to understand that a signature will grace the bottom of a piece of paper, a signed piece of paper confessing sins against society?

 

A

Yeah, yes, yeah anything, anything…anything at all.  Stop…please.

 

B

We don’t want, or need a bullshit tainted confession.  What is the value of a confession gained by torture?  Worthless!  The Muthafucka is muthafucking worthless.

 

A

Wha?

 

B

Confessions achieved by torture are as reliable as rubbers made in pin factory. Nobody wants to be accused of coercion.  Next thing ya know some useless public watch dog committee will be created to convince the American people that a congressional investigation is not good enough.  There will be a total cluster fuck at the polls during the next election and a peanut farming cracker from Georgia will end up in the White House again.  Not on this agents watch, No sir ree Bob.

 

A

But…But, I said, I did it…I confess…I’m guilty.

 

B

There was no question of the guilt or the crime that was committed.  That was established from the very beginning…no questions of who would take the fall.

 

A

Me?

 

B

Um, yeah, Duh, who else?

 

A

 

I don’t even know…what I did?

 

B

So.  Crime doesn’t pay.

A

I don’t know what I did.

 

B

Ignorance of the law doesn’t excuse the lawbreaker.  Stupidity of one’s actions are no excuse either.  Sad, Sad former productive member of society.

 

A

Why…Why the…If I’m already convicted, why the whole Guantanamo Bay bit.

 

B

Maybe this is Guantanamo Bay.  Examples must be set.  The sleeping giant has been awoken and the mother fucker is pissed off.

 

A

That’s not heroic or patriotic.

 

B

“People sleep peaceably in their beds at night only because rough men stand ready to do violence on their behalf.”  George Orwell said that.  1984, George Orwell.  Animal Farm George Orwell Pig!

 

A

WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO WITH THAT KNIFE!

 

B

SUEEE!  SUEEE!  Gonna gut me a pig pig.

 

(Begins to cut A and A screams

 

Here is a pound of flesh!

People sleep peaceably in their beds at night only because rough men stand ready to do violence on their behalf.

(cuts A, A screams over and over)

People sleep peaceably in their beds at night only because rough men stand ready to do violence on their behalf.  WE ARE BIG BROTHER!

 

A

(hysterical almost incoherent)

Yes, Big Brother…sure, little brother, ma, pa, sis, boom, ba, baby in a high chair, who put em there- -

 

B

Double plus good.

 

 

A

Baby in a high chair who put him there?

 

B

Thought crime, hate crime it all the same.

 

A

When you’re up you’re up and when you’re down and when you’re only half way up you’re always upside down.

 

B

Speaking in a code? (cuts A screams) People sleep peaceably in their beds at night only because rough men stand ready to do violence on their behalf.

 

A

(screams and laughs)

Yeah, (laughs) secret code, top secret code, the code of the rebels.  Kick em in the head, kick em in the feet, Boy Scout camp cannot be beat…Yay, Boy Scouts…Yay, Boy Scouts.

 

B

Shut up!

People sleep peaceably in their beds at night only because rough men stand ready to do violence on their behalf.

 

A

The window, the window, the second story window, with a heave and a ho and a mighty throw, we threw it out the window.

 

B

SHUT THE FUCK UP!

 

A

The limits of my language are the limits of my world. HAHAHAHAHAHA

 

(B hits A hard)

 

B

SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUTUP

PEOPLE SLEEP PEACEABLY IN THEIR BEDS AT NIGHT BECAUSE ROUGH MEN STAND READY TO DO VIOLENCE ON THEIR BEHALF…YOU PIECE OF SHIT

WE THE ROUGH AND READY

People sleep peaceably in their beds at night only because rough men stand ready to do violence on their behalf.

 

A

The limits of my language are the limits of my world.

 

Music begins screaming starts end of part 3

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

FOR THE BENEFIT OF MISTER KITE PART 4

MUSIC INTRO

 

B

Right handed or left?

 

A

Left.

 

B

Liar! (pause) Eye color?

 

A

Hazel.

 

B

Lies! Lies!  Lies!  You fucking lie!

(pause)

Answer these questions truthfully?  Dogs or cats?

 

A

What?

 

B

Dogs or cats, pick one.

 

A

Cats?

 

B

Interesting.

 

A

Wait, wait…dogs.

 

B

Why?

 

A

(under his breath)Swear to God, We’re in a Monty Python sketch… Cats are sneaky and vindictive.  They hold grudges.  Dogs are unconditional.

 

B

Interesting!

 

 

A

They’re both interesting.  How can they both be interesting?

 

B

Because they are.  Insight into the psyche of the terrorist.  Now let us continue.  Rock, Hip Hop, Rap, Pop, Country, Classical or Jazz?

 

A

No.

 

B

No?

 

A

 

Neither

 

B

Neither?

 

A

Yeah.

 

B

What then?

 

A

Disco.

 

B

Disco?

 

A

Yes, Disco.

 

B

Is that even a musical category?  Really, Disco?

 

A

Yes.

 

B

Absolutely sure…completely positive…disco?

 

A

I know, I know, weird, but yeah, Disco.

B

D-I-S-C-O…disco, shaking the booty, disco?

 

A

Yeah.

 

B

That…that explains a lot.

 

A

Especially, the music from Saturday Night Fever.

 

B

John Travolta. Scientology, a disruptive cult force based on stupidity.

 

A

No, no, not Travolta, he’s good but, but the Bee Gee’s, their melodies and harmonies are glorious.

 

(pause)

 

B

Oh…oh, everything is beginning to make so much more sense.  Hair part, to the left or the right?

 

A

Don’t know.

 

B

 

All right…then, not at all a problem…Ok, missionary, doggie, or bottom?

 

A

Come on!  What kind of question is that?

 

B

Missionary, doggie or bottom?

 

A

I there a point to this?

 

B

MISSIONARY, BOTTOM OR DOGGIE.

 

A

Fuck you…go fuck yourself.

(B slaps A)

 

B

There’s a branding iron, white hot in the other room.  We could put it to use.

 

A

GO AHEAD, I’m tired OF TALKING ABOUT MYSELF AS IF I WERE MORE THAN ONE PERSON.  I’M SICK OF THESE FUCKING QUESTONS, I’M TIRED OF ALL THIS BULLSHIT, AND MOST OF ALL I’M TIRED OF YOU!  GET YOUR FUCKING BRANDING IRON, CUT MY EARS OFF…CUT MY BALLS OFF…I DON’T GIVE A FUCK.

(pause)

I know…I know that…that, I’m never leaving.  I’m going to die.

 

(pause)

A is breathing heavy trying to catch his breath

(pause)

 

B

Yeah, we’ve given it some serious thought.   Yeah, some muthafucka’s aint wired right for this shit.

We be getting out of hand in this mutha

Let’s slow it down a little…ease off the throttle some.

(pause)

I don’t suppose you’d be wanting some water?

(pause)

You wanna drink of something or other?

 

A

What difference, (sobs) what difference does it make?

 

B

Little water, might make a whole huge bit of a difference.  You can have some out my personal bottle, here…drink it, but not too quick, give your body some time to adjust to the deprivation…lost a lotta of fluids from the beatings and blood lettings.

 

A

(gulping water)

Please.

B

(laughs)

Thirsty fucker…slow down boy…Said, slow it down, ya cracker, ya aint going to no fire.

 

A

(gulping louder)

MMMM, so good, sluurrrp.

B

Drink it all, go ahead, puke your guts…aint no skin off our noses.

 

A sighs over and over.

 

B

Making a big mistake white boy.

 

(pause)

 

A

(scream in pain, retching sounds)

Shit!  Oh, fucking Christ, cramps…Gah…fucking cramps…hurts…hurts…stomach cramps.  Shit! SHIT!

 

B

Told ya.  Puke, you’ll feel better.

 

A

GOD DAMN-STOP, the pain, fucking agony.

 

B

Puke, it will pass…now tell us…how many sleeper cells have you all overseen their training here in upset northeaster New York?  Big tits or small?

 

A

(puking)

What did you…what is in this water?

 

B

A laxative and an emetic.  Nothing major.  How many terror training camps art there in north eastern New York?  Legs or an ass man?

 

A

Don’t know.

 

B

Don’t know, because, ya all don’t have no idea what we are talking about, SPITTER OR SWALLOWER, or don’t know because ya all never counted.  Ever ANALLY? Or ya all don’t know cause y all refuse to share the intell and would rather burn in hell with your worm infested Allah?  Gay or queer?  Drag you teeth? 

 

A

Many have been killed… died for less than that.

 

 

B

Ya all got problems with mah blasphemy?  Twink or Dink?

 

A

We all got problems.

 

B

We’re the infidel, aint that right?  Gotta small penis, over compensating and all that shit?  Wouldn’t you rather die than see the infidel walk on your sacred land?  Sodomized by scout master priests?  You’d all die for the cause, right, an automatic one way ticket to the turban wearing, desert residing, camel riding eunuch god.  Eat boogers, spit on the side walk, fuck chickens and goats, wear women’s clothing, like the smell of your own ass, bite the pillow…motherfucking pillow biter.

 

A

I’m…we’re Lutheran.

 

B

Lutheran?

 

A

Um,, yes.

 

B

Well, holy-shit, we’ve got the wrong guy

 

A

That’s what we…I mean have been trying to tell you.  I can’t believe you actually thought I was a terrorist.

 

B

Please sir, on behalf of our Homeland, the United States begs you forgiveness.  Ya gotta understand when it comes to the security of our nation, anything goes.  Shit happens sir.

 

A

Shit happens? (laughs) but you tortured me, I mean golly gee…

 

B

A big fat mutter fucket miscarriage of justice sir, (laughs)  oops, sorry Charlie, we goofed, we’re more than positive we can come to some type of restitution.

 

A

Sure, sure sure…I just wanna get outta here.

 

(15 seconds of silence and heavy breathing)

Don’t just sit there staring, let me go.

B

All in good time sir, all in good time, first the debriefing process must occur.

 

A

(laughs nervously)

Sounds like you’re gonna remove my underwear.

 

B

How’d ya all guess?  We gotta work on the unpredictability.  Sometimes the unknown is scarier than the torture implement.  In the hands of an artesian, the unpredictability factor is terrifying.  Get ready to scream Lutheran…Get ready to scream until your throat bursts from you neck…

Ah gentlemen, you’re just in time, hold em on down, le the debriefing begin.  Wiry fucker.

 

A

NO NONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONO

 

B

Yesyesyesyesyesyes.  What day a all know about a hijacked shipment of uranium?  Take eyesight for granted, yes or no…to neuter or not to neuter, that is the question?

 

A screams Music

End of Part 4