Radio Blog Theater  

FOR THE BENEFIT OF MR. KITE

A PLAY BY

LEE GOODEN

 

 

PART 1

A

I want a lawyer.

 

B

You want what?

 

A

A lawyer

 

B

(chuckles)

You want a lawyer.

 

A

Yes, I’m entitled to a lawyer.

 

B

(looks up, beseeches)

He says he wants a lawyer…says he is entitled.

 

(pause)

 

A

I plead the fifth.

 

B

The fifth?  The fifth dimension  A fifth of what, JD, Jimmy Bean, Old Grandad, Sou-Cal…The fifth element, what?  Give me 5, high five, Five by five, five speed on the floor five? Channel’ number five…Ben folds Five, five for fighting, five for flinching, between 4 and 6 five? Five major creationists miscomprehensions about evolution: Evolution has never been observed. Evolution violates the 2nd law of thermodynamics. There are no transitional fossils. The theory of evolution says that life originated, and evolution proceeds, by random chance. Evolution is only a theory; it hasn't been proved.

Let me tell ya, Evolution is all about adaptation.  So adapt.

A

The Fifth Amendment.  My fifth Amendment rights

B

“No person shall be held to answer for a capital, or otherwise infamous crime, unless on a presentment or indictment of a Grand Jury, except in cases arising in the land or naval forces, or in the Militia, when in actual service in time of War or public danger; nor shall any person be subject for the same offense to be twice put in jeopardy of life or limb; nor shall be compelled in any criminal case to be a witness against himself, nor be deprived of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor shall private property be taken for public use, without just compensation.”

Those rights…You choose to invoke the Fifth Amendment of the United States Of America’s Constitution.

A

Yeah!

(pause)

B

Let’s explain something to you.  Your crime, ahem, alleged crime, your infraction, your sin is heinous.  Understand?

A

Yes.

B

Good. (pause) To be a functional member of our country…a card carrying citizen…a representative of the human race, one must understand that there are…um…taboos…things just not done…Taboos un-acted upon, social strictures that cannot be violated.

A

I don’t have any- -

B

-Get your mind out of the gutter.  We’re not talking about sexual deviation.  Your perversions are of no concern.

 

A

I’m not perverted.

B

Nobody cares.

A

I really think I need an attorney.

B

We’re not hearing this.

A

A court appointed attorney, isn’t that my right?

B

(Exasperated sighs)

A

I’m not understanding my rights, I was never even read my Miranda or anything.

B

We don’t need to read you your Miranda, until you are charged.  We aint talking about a ‘we’ like there’s  a mouse in our pockets either.  We as in many, many, many of us.

A

What are the accusations?  What am I being charged with?  I didn’t even get my one phone call. (pause) who are you?

B

See the badge, look closer.  Special agent John Doe.

A

John Doe?

B

At your service.

A

Aw, man, are you for real?

B

Real as rain compadre.

A

John Doe?

B

Serving John Q Public.

A

John Doe serving John Q mother-fucking public.

B

(slams fist on table)

Watch your mouth criminal.

A

Sorry

B

For somebody pleading the fifth, you’re awfully mouthy. Mouth runs like a whippoorwill’s ass. (pause) talk talk talk talk.

Yeah.  (Long Pause) what?

(A is silent) (long pause)

Oh, now you’re not talking.

(A is silent)

Doesn’t matter anyways…you’ve been told before that- -

A

-I want my Lawyer.

B

Your lawyer? Got one?

A

Not personally, but a court appointed attorney would be adequate.

 

       B

You’ve been told…being a citizen is a privilege- -

 

 

A

-I know my rights

 

B

You don’t know jack.

A

My rights as an American… I’m entitled.  What you’re doing to me is against the law.  I’ll sue you until you can’t breathe.

 

B

Mouthy, mouthy…your mouth is writing checks your ass can’t cash.

(to himself)

They always think they should have more than anyone else…and if they don’t get their way, they threaten to Sue sue sue sue.

 

(pause)

A

I’m obviously under some type of investigation.

 

B

Figured that out all by yourself.

A

What are the official charges?

B

You haven’t been officially charged with anything yet.

 

A

So, I’m free to leave!  I can walk out that door?

 

 

B

Try it and see what happens.

 

A

What happens?

 

B

Lots of fun stuff could occur.  A bullet in the leg, the jelly of an eye squeezed out by somebody’s strong thumb and forefinger, A jugular ripped out with filed down sharpened teeth, A head twisted from the spinal column, cartilage in the nose jammed into the brain by the heel of someone’s hand. More?  A frontal lobe removed, a heart exploded by a heavy thrust to the chest.  Poison, darts, bombs, bullets, garrote, hit and run…just POOF  disappear.  POOF  Gone…

 

A

Or you could do nothing and let me go.

 

B

Or we could do nothing and let you go.

 

A

Really?

 

B

A highly unlikely scenario, but not out of the realm of possibility.

 

A

So there’s a chance?

B

There’s a chance for anything, because anything is possible, Gas prices might go down, world peace might be declared instead of this new cold war were slipping into.  King fucking Tut might walk through those doors and dance the watuzi with Ethel from I Love Lucy, but again, these things are higgly-piggley and highly unlikely.

 

(pause)

A

What do you want from me?

 

B

Nothing.

 

 

A

Nothing?  Have I been arrested?

 

B

You have.

A

What are the charges?  Have I been charged?

 

B

You have not.

 

A

Then you can’t hold me here against my will.

 

B

Yes.

 

A

Yes, what?

(Pause)

B

Technically, you cannot be held against your will, but realistically…realistically, there isn’t anything you can do about it.

 

A

Nothing I can do…there’s plenty I could…I could…I- -

 

B

-That’s the problem, right there.

 

A

Where, I don’t see the problem…I um…I- -

 

B

Yup, you…you’re the problem.

 

A

Me?

 

B

(mimics)

I, me, mine…Good Beatles song by the way and the autobiography of George Harrison, the quiet Beatle.

I, me, mine…can’t hold me against my will, What do you want from me, I, I, I me, me, me.

The reality here…

B continued

The actuality is that you could die, now, tomorrow, be tortured slowly, kept alive for years in pain…and life for everyone else would continue.  You are insignificant as an individual, but in a group, the right group, the right collective, together…better together, worlds can be changed, entire planets can be moved.

 

A

I don’t understand- -

 

(B whacks A across the face)

-Shit!  What the fuck?

 

B

Every time you refer to yourself as an individual I’m going to hit you.

 

A

Hit me?

 

(B hits A)

B

If you insist.

 

A

Damn, stop it, I’m- -

 

(B hits A)

 

B

Understand that the hitting is for the common good.  The common good.  The Common Good.  We’re all in…all in for the common good.

 

 

Music

 

S/F hitting and screaming during music

 

I’ve got your Texas Hold Em right here and we’re all in.  Ready to Fold? Let’s up the ante, shall we.

 

S/F sounds of Hitting A with a blunt object

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

For The Benefit of Mister Kite

Written by

Lee Gooden

Part 2

 

Music

 

S/F Hitting and screaming continue

 

B

Understand this is all for the common good.

 

A

(sobbing in pain)

How?

 

(B Hits A)

 

Hey, I did- -

(B hits A)

 

Why’d you hit… didn’t say…

 

B

Keeping us on our toes.

 

(pause)

 

A

(Scared sobbing) What are the charges?

 

B

Charges?  Didn’t we go through all this?  What charges?

 

A

Oh my God, this is completely insane.

 

(B hits A)

 

B

Who’s God? (hits A)

 

 

A

M…Your…our God, our god…everybody’s God.

 

B

Better, much better.  Let’s start with some questions.

 

A

Questions…questions are good, no more hitting…no more please?

 

B

Name?

 

A

My name is D- -

 

(B hits A in a series of hard blows)

What the hell was that for?

 

B

Think about it.  Support the war effort?

(B hits A)

 

A

Fucking shit!  No references to the individual were made. What’s with the hitting again?

 

B

Felt like it, that’s why? Support the troops? Easy enough question, yes or no?

 

A

Yes.

 

B

Patriotic?

 

A

Yes.

 

B

(Hits A)

Wrooooooooong answer!

 

A

(beaten) Whyyyyyyyyyyyy?

 

B

No specification…Were we discussing individual patriotism or group patriotism?

A

What is the answer?

 

B

Ah, Good question, we need to figure out how to distinguish between the two.  We’ll come back to that later.  Fill in the blanks for the next question, “Blank think our current administration is doing a Blank job.”

 

A

We don’t think our current administration is doing a good job.

 

(B hits A)

 

B

We’ll make a note of the anti- government tendencies and anti- American ideas.

 

A

I…WAIT, stop, listen, let mm… let’s rephrase?  Just because some people don’t support the agenda of the current administration doesn’t make those people anti-American…It doesn’t even make them anti-government.

 

B

Of course it does.  Think.  No government existed before this government and none other shall exist in the future.  The current time…our government is what is and should be accepted and supported unquestioningly, because our government represents the feelings of the people, therefore all people should support the government.

 

A

That’s like saying all guppies are fish, therefore all fish are guppies.

 

B

Exactly, now we’ve got it right.

 

A

But there is carp, flounder, haddock, tuna, salmon, cat fish, swordfish…infinite species of fish…gold fish, trout, bass…You…we cannot deny the existence of other fish.

 

B

If our beloved elected leaders, whom are wiser than average citizens says all fish are guppies, than, all fish are guppies.

 

A

That’s ridiculous.

 

B

So says the seditious.

A

Dumb.

 

B

We are at war, We must protect our way of life, maintain the status quo,

 

A

Even if it is wrong and the truth is a twisted warp former version of itself?

 

B

It is not wrong.  The truth is relative.

 

A

But what if history proves them wrong.

 

B

The past is the past and has no relevance to today.  It is faded memories and memories are unreliable…open to interpretation and revision.  History is what we say it is.

 

A

Revisionist history is unreliable.

 

B

We don’t need to justify ourselves.

 

(pause)

A

What happened to this country?  Ours was the right to question; the government is not infallible, it should answer to the people.  Government for the people by the people.

 

B

We’re not here to split hairs.  Besides, have you seen some of these people, the stupidity they exude in their Walmart mentality and Burger King Diet.  You want them in charge?

Our government is like great benevolent parents protecting their children.

 

A

Our government is supposed to have a system of check and balances.

 

B

Enough, now. Anarchist?

 

A

What?

 

B

Answer our questions to the best of our knowledge.

A

Why?

 

B

Research has shown that anarchy leads to terrorism and terrorist recognition has become easier because they follow certain templates.  Ask the questions, record the answers, crunch numbers.

 

A

Templates?

 

B

Patterns, specific patterns, easy to follow…predictable statistics…scientific like, complicated, grids and calculations…algorithms…bio-rhythms.  The equations are perfect.

 

A

Humanity cannot be converted into a mathematical formula.

 

B

Humanity is Math…after all chemically the human being is worth approx 98 cents, less than a cup of coffee.  The number of X and Y chromosomes dictates sex.  DNA is nothing but a big fat abacus and science manipulates the numbers, we don’t need to explain ourselves… I…We are the investigator… the interrogator…the protector…I…WE DON”T NEED TO EXPLAIN OURSELVES…WE DON’T NEED TO EXPLAIN OURSELVES…Punishment is a virtue.

 

 

B beats A.  A screams.

 

Music begins

End of part 2