Radio Blog Theater  

FOR THE BENEFIT OF MISTER KITE

PART 7

B-Is sustenance required?

A-Huh?

B-Hungry?

A-Ever heard of once bitten twice shy?

B-Seriously, hungry?

A-No.

B-Thirsty?

A-Was there a laxative sale at the local drug store?

B- We’re asking sincerely, now. Thirsty?

A-No.

(pause)

B-Any needs, anything at all?

A- Yeah, need to get the fuck out of here.

B-Besides that, is there anything lacking, are needs being met?

A- They’re all being met nicely, thank you.

(pause)

B- Any wants?

A-Pardon?

B- Wants, what is wanted?

A- Want to get the fuck out of here.

(pause)

B-Once again, Wants?

A-Be more specific.

B-If needs are met, the basics, food, drink, clothing and shelter- -

A- -Got em.

B-Yes, of course, but after needs are met…it is human nature to have wants.  The want of a good woman, the want of more money, the want of success in business and life…Wants:  Want this…want that.  Some people believe wants cause more grievous harm than basic needs.  Want a fix, want a lollipop, want to get laid- -

A- --Wouldn’t that be under the need to procreate?

B- Not Necessarily.

A-Oh?

(pause)

B-any wants needed to fulfill?- -

A- -Or needs that want to be fulfilled.

B- Yeah, yeah.  P art of our job is to take a survey within in the ranks of our clients.

A- Clients?

B- Participation is required, so please participate.

A- People shouldn’t fuck with people’s heads.

B- No this shit is Gen U Wine.  If proper procedure is not followed and implemented, than chaos will soon follow, and we might be looking at demerits, demotion and shudder to think, termination.

A- Shudder to think it.

B-Exactly…now, we’ll start with a disclaimer.  We, an anonymous  organization is in no way will be associated with and or related and or pertained to in any way to the United States of America’s government and or to any corporate structure and or infrastructure within the boundaries and or confines of said United States of America.  Understand?

A-Yes.

B- Therefore, any knowledge of strategies, techniques and or instruments of torture will be completely disavowed.

A- This is the part where we go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, right?

B- We’re not finished.  It is vital that we finish.

A- Sorry, please continue.

B-Knowledge of any individual and or group of individuals using said techniques that violate the Universal Declaration of Human Rights and or the rules specified in the Geneva Convention, will be completely, totally, unequivocally, entirely, summarily, instantly, consistently, persistently, un-refutably, undisputedly, dogmatically, automatically, instamatic ally, uninvestigated ally unabatedly, un-Enablely, no labels, no tables, no stability or lack of agility will keep this knowledge from being uncategorically, undeniably denied.  Is this understood?

A- Undeniably denied, is that the final line there?

B- Yes.

A-It’s crazy, but understandable.

B- Good, good, we’re glad.

A- Finished?

B- Almost.  This disclaimer is in place to protect us and the client from false accusations, lawsuits, acts of vengeance; if said disclaimer is acceptable by both parties, then, in the long run everyone is all the happier.  Are these terms acceptable?

A- Like there’s a choice.

B- There’s always a choice. (pause) Are these terms acceptable?

A- Why not, sure, what’s the fine print say?

B- Oh, nothing really, just some legaleeze, party of the first part and party of the second part removed by marriage and chainsaws part stuff.  Makes the brain hurt really.  That’s why we leave stuff to our lawyer acquaintances.

A- There’s no chance of being let go, right?

B- We said it before, anything is possible, Why, hell, boy, a giant pizza might hit ground zero and really fuck up the works.  Probably end up declaring war on Italy, never much liked that goddamn boot shaped country.  That canal shit in Venice, whata fuck is that all about?  And kissing other men, and pinching asses and hairy armpits, pasta chowing muthafuckas.

A-But leaving here alive, what are the odds?

B- Don’t call Vegas and don’t bet against the house.

A- Thought so.

B- Enough BSing.  Here’s the survey part.

A- Shoot!

B- That’s not an option right now.  Listen, has the client been properly made aware of the situation? Between 1-6, pick a number that best describes an answer. 1. All of the time. 2. Some of the time. 3. None of the time. 4. Don’t know 5.Not applicable. Or, 6. Fuck yeah!

A- 2.

B- All right, 2. Some of the time.  Has the client been treated harshly in anyway that violates civil rights? 1. All of the time.  2. Some of the time 3. None of the time. 4. Don’t know? 5. Not applicable.  And 6., Fuck yeah!

A- 6.

B. 6, Fuck yeah!  Has client been given proper medical treatment, food, water, etc…have the needs been met?  1.  all of the time.  2. Some of the time. 3. None of the time 4. Don’t know. 5. not applicable. 6. Fuck off and die!

A- 6

B- Ok, 6. Fuck off and die. We’re sensing a pattern here.

A- Yeah, well once again we seem to be voyaging out into the borders of stupidity and pointlessness.

B- Surveys serve a function.

A- They piss people off.

B- On the contrary, they are tools used to define the norm.

A- There is nothing normal about these surveys.

B- Normal?

(pause)

B- Normality.  Ok, let’s talk normal.  We’ve got our file here, big one too.

A-File?

B- Yeah, the permanent record we started keeping on you in kindergarten.

A- Oh, Bullshit?

B- No bull shit. (reading from file) Ate paste. Masturbated constantly, like a damn monkey from what it says in here. Relatively normal childhood, except for those 10 or 12 bestiality incidents.  Job a petshop…animal predator.  Here’s one, what the fuck is Disney Bukkake?

A- Oh. Shit!

End of part 7

music

FOR THE BENEFIT OF MSITER KITE PART 6

MUSICAL INTRO

B- The eyes appear pleased to see us.

A-Trick of the light?  Nothing could be further from the truth.

B-Fine line between true and false, depends upon the perspective, what happens to be the popular belief.  Once, not too long ago, everyone believed the earth was flat.

A-Isn’t it?

B-No.

A-Since when?

B-Since always, we’re just trying to make a point.

A-Make it, nobody is saying no.

B- (pause) Um, (like going over a list in his mind) There’s a fine line between true and false, um, um. Depends on the perspective, um, and um, what happens to be the popular belief- -

A-Many have been deceived by shadows and light.

B-Ya all got a bit of Broke Back Mountain inside, saw honest to goodness pleasure in those eyes.

A-Your collective asses are sucking canal water.

B-We feel undressed by those eyes…those beseeching eyes…Oh, those eyes…such begging optical or…or..or- -

A-Orifices?

B- No, rounds, um, ovals, um—

A-Sphincters?

B-Starts with an oh.

A-Orbs, the word is orbs.

B- Right, um those, begging optical, um…

A- Orbs.

B- Yeah, those begging optical orbs.

(pause)

A-Barking up the wrong tree.

(pause)

A-Can’t teach an old dog new tricks.

(5-10 seconds of silence)

B- (gangsta) No, the identity of this tree is unmistaken.  ARF ARF ARF, a bitch in heat, our bitch in heat!

A-Fuck off.

B-Intelligent answer.

(pause)

A-What happened to the street?

B-Pardon, Norma Jean?

A-The gangsta voice.

B-We’re not exactly sure what is being implied.

A- We’re implicating, ha, that’s a laugh, what about all those fruity implications?

B-Never mind that, things are getting racial now.

A-Wondered when the racial card would be played.

B-Well, a gangsta voice, what is that implying if not prejudice.

A-Recognizing bad Samuel L Jackson impressions is not prejudice or racial in any way.

B- Who?

A- Samuel L Jackson, Black Snake Moan, Pulp Fiction, Snakes on a Plane.  The actor.  Afro Samurai, Formula 51, Die Hard with a Vengence.

B- We try to model ourselves after respectable African Americans, like George Washington Carver or…or James Earl Jones.

A-(Chuckling) (laughs loud) Fucking peanut scientist and Darth fucking Vadar.  Good, real good choices.

(pause)

B-They’re outstanding in their fields.

A- (laughs) Oh, yeah, especially Carver…out standing in a peanut field.

B-Stop.

(pause)

A-Peanuts, potato’s and light sabers, good company.

B-Stop.

A-Jimmy Carter?  Think him and George Washington are related somehow.

B-We’re not asking again, stop.

A-Or what?

B-Just wait and see.

A-Who?

B-You…you just wait and see what the fuck happens to you…just you fucking wait.  You have no Idea who you’re fucking with.

A-Jefferson, he used to sample the brown sugar, a little uncle Tom.

B-shut up.

(pause)

A-Billy and Jimmy…Real American heroes, Jimmy, whishy washy, but that Billy Carter mmmmmm scrumptious…have some Billy Beer…And Amy, what a dog!

B-Quiet!

A- Rosalyn, was a hot number in a Scarlet O’Hara type was a hot number in her day, though.  Think there might have been some dark meat for her southern bell pussy?  

B-I’m warning you, Shut yo mouth honey Chile.

A-James Earl Jones? (laughs)

(pause)

B-You want some dark meat, ya rump ranger nancy boy?  Ass or mouth?

A- We’ve had this discussion already. James fat fuck Earl Jones, really?

B-Yes.

A- (laughs) Luke, Luke, I am your father.

B-SHUT UP! LAST WARNING!

A- (Makes Darth Vadar sounds) (music starts low)

B- That’s it! Hammer time!

A-Bring it on! MC Skywalker! Can’t touch this! (music High)

B- Can’t I.

End of part 6