keitbraycoach  

LIVING ON LIFE'S TERMS- CAN YOU?

Its fun trying to come up with something to blog about each day and wonderful that I get so many sources for ideas that serve as a reminder to me and provide blog material. I SINCERELY ASK YOU TO VISIT www.hopeserenity.ca, read, join, post your blog and help others and importantly, send me subjects you'd like to see a blog on or improvement ideas for the Hope & Serenity web site. Contact me direct at khbray@hopeserenity.ca if you will.

The start of my journey to a "new and improved" life came as a result of not being able to live life on life's terms. Can you relate? My favourite book says:

As we go through the day we pause, when agitated or doubtful, and ask for the right thought or action.

We constantly remind ourselves we are no longer running the show, humbly saying to ourselves many times each day "Thy will be done."
Reprinted from Alcoholics Anonymous [First Edition], p. 100

 

No, I haven't gone religious. There has to be something bigger than me running the show; there is too much order in life to be by chance. The show I tried to run on my own would have never been called orderly; chaotic yes!

A part of the "Co-Creative Process of Life Recovery" that Patrick and I have put together and that we coach is a spiritual component. I had to learn I didn't run the show (and I loved trying to control things), something did. I can't draw you a picture of what my "something" looks like, but my prayer, meditation and observation, I know it exists. I call it a power greater than me, or HP for short, and it is worthy of a capital letter, as in "THY" or HP. That HP is a co-creator in the recovery process.

Today I understand being humble, and I am that in my attitude. That does not mean I'm a shrinking violet. I have my opinions and standards and feelings. They are mine. I may assertively express them, but you have the right to agree or disagree. I cannot control others. In trying for many years to do so, my life became unmanageable and hope and serenity were gone.

When I allow "Thy will" to be done, and stay out of the way, the results are usually pretty good. I'm not perfect at this, the journey is work in progress, is a way of life, and has no end point. Today I am hopeful daily and have reasonably long periods of serenity. What more could a girl ask for??

Today I can live life on life's terms a lot of the time. It was a learned skill set that gets better daily with practise. You want it? We can help!

 

LET’S GET STARTED. YOU”VE BEEN AT THE LINE TOO LONG!

Coping with Families

Some universal truths I have learned in my own process of life recovery and in working with hundreds of others. "Family" is an issue I hear about almost everyday, and deal with directly on many occasions in my own life. As today is a statutory holiday here in Ontario-"Family Day",- it is a very appropriate subject to blog/journal about.

Those of us who have allowed our life to hit a low point have had/are having  a negative impact on every member of our immediate family. I have seen no exceptions, just a lot of people in denial about it. Years ago I was one of those in denial; today I see and live with the results. Coaching will help every member of the family to recover from the impact of the person who has "bottomed", and family members need a recovery journey of their own that is independent and different from the "bottomed" person. I see this still in my own family, and this is after many years of my recovery journey.

While many of my clients became very selfish in the life that led to their low point (but at times thought themselves selfless), early in a co-creative process of life recovery, they must be selfish for a period of time. Turning your life around is hard work, major change is full time work and hard work that gets emotional. This is planned short term work on "self" with a long term goal of being able to be truly selfless.

They payoff; you can't give away what you haven't got (try it with money), and you can't give away love, respect, honesty, understanding and more if you haven't got it for YOURSELF.

Think about it, it is pure common sense.

In recovery, the family dynamic is extremely important and requires a lot of thought, and in some instances, tough decisions. I just read:

"There are many paths to self-care with families. Some people choose to sever connections with family members for a period of time. Some people choose to stay connected with family members and learn different behaviours. Some disconnect for a time, and then return slowly on a different basis.

There is no one or perfect way to deal with members of our family in recovery. It is up to each of us to choose a path that suits us and our needs at each point in time.

The idea that is new to us in recovery is that we can choose. We can set the boundaries we need to set with family members. We can choose a path that works for us, without guilt and obligation or undue influence from any source, including recovery professionals.  Our goal is to be able to take care of ourselves, love ourselves, and live healthy lives despite what family members do or don't do. We decide what boundaries or decisions are necessary to do this.

Higher Power, help me choose the path that is right for me with family. Help me understand there is no right or wrong in this process. Help me strive for forgiveness and learn to detach with love, whenever possible. I understand that this never implies that I have to forfeit self-care and health for the good of the system."

Experience tells me that the chances for recovering a balanced, holistic  life increase dramatically with the help of a trained and certified professional to coach you to success. This is in addition to any fellowship programs you may take part in or short term treatment facilities, tapes or self-help books and seminars you avail yourself of. Remember your family in the process. Encourage them to get the help they need to not only understand what you are going through, but to help them get their own lives back on a solid footing. For those that do it, you are giving your family a gift out of respect for the impact you have had on them.

True recovery is far more rewarding and beneficial if you have family recovery. The "Co-Creative Process of Life Recovery" addresses individuals and family members. We can help at www..hopeserenity.ca. Happy Family Day, and take advantage of a free hour of coaching. We guarantee results for those clients we chose to work with!

EGO- THE ENEMY

Scary how many people I run into that have huge egos and lousy self-esteem. This dynamic gives internal conflict a whole new meaning!

To help bring these two areas into harmony is a base of the "Co-Creative Process of Life Recovery". To set and achieve your life goals, balance between ego and self-esteem is essential.

Is your ego involved?

"There is no room for God in him who is full of himself." -- Hasidic saying

On the spiritual path, we must be diligent to discriminate whether we are acting from ego or from soul. If ego is in charge, what we do is self-referencing. At the deepest levels, we are motivated by our own self-interest. We're looking out for ourselves more than for others.

Although soul works through individuals, its focus is on the needs of others and on service to humanity.

"Do not feed your ego and your problems, with your attention. ...Slowly, surely, the ego will lose weight, until one fine day it will be nothing but a thin ghost of its former self. You will be able to see right through it, to the divine presence that shines in each of us." -- Eknath Easwaran

"Why aren't you happy? It's because ninety-nine percent of everything you do, and think, and say, is for yourself -- and there isn't one." -- Wu Wei Wu

Years ago I struggled with this duality; ego vs. soul. Over time, ego took over and because I couldn't live up to the expectations and grandiosity of my ego, my soul (the goodness inside of me) got pushed deep into the background. I became very needy, and my neediness overwhelmed others around me and they pulled away. I had to put my ego on a diet.

Today, my mission is to be of service to others with the right amount of loving attention spent on me, and gratitude for what I do have. Creating a new life did this! It is a great feeling to know that basically, I'm OK. Not perfect, but growing daily in a positive way and appreciating the talents that were given to me.

If this makes some sense to you, I'd love to hear from you at www.hopeserenity.ca or directly through khbray@hopeserenitry.ca.

 

 

I NEED A COACH? WHY?

The above are questions I get all the time. Most people are afraid to ask for help and most are afraid to make change. They have fear and need to get courage. They have talent and need a coach to help with goals and bring out that talent.

Many people will spend on "material" things, but have not got the good sense to invest in their biggest asset- THEMSELVES. This is true in general terms with people, and very true with those in recovery.

A sponsor or mentor is great. They make suggestions in a certain area of life, and are free. A coach compliments their efforts and is a trained professional in showing you how to get the talent you have into action in your whole life. It is also proven through experience, when you pay for a service, you are far more likely to listen and act.

Here is a recent article from the internet, not written by me. While addiction specific, it applies to al areas of life (career, relationships, life planning, motivation).

"Why use a recovery coach when you can just settle for the traditional sponsor in the 12 step program? Are there any advantages to getting a recovery coach that go beyond what you might expect from the usual relationship with a 12 step sponsor?

You bet there are. First of all, understand exactly what a 12 step sponsor is for in recovery. They are there to guide you through the 12 steps; nothing more. Their purpose is to give you spiritual guidance and assistance in applying the steps in your life.

A recovery coach, on the other hand, is going to help you define your goals in life, and then help you to work towards those goals. The process is more client-driven than sponsorship is because the coach is basing the instruction on the client's goals instead of basing it on his own agenda. Therefore recovery coaching is more goal-oriented and is more custom tailored to the clients needs.

Why is this important for recovery? I would argue that sponsorship is useful in early recovery, but recovery coaching becomes more important in long term recovery. As you stay clean and sober for longer and longer, it becomes more crucial for you to start working on your own goals and personal growth - much more so than it was in early recovery. This is because recovery is essentially split up into 2 stages: early recovery and long term recovery.

Early recovery is characterized by learning. You have to relearn how to live in early recovery, so a sponsor is most helpful in giving you all sorts of help based on their own experience. It is a teaching-heavy period of growth. You must be geared into learning to succeed in early recovery.

Later on, in long term recovery, there is a shift away from this heavy learning because you will have learned the basics of how to live a sober life. Now the real enemy shows its face in long term sobriety and that enemy is complacency. If we stop growing or actively pursuing new growth experiences then we will eventually slide back into our old ways and thus run the risk of relapse. This is a problem in long term recovery after we have been sober for a year or two.

Given that, the idea of a recovery coach becomes very useful in maintaining long term sobriety. This is because a recovery coach is specifically trained in order to push people towards personal growth. The whole idea is to work with a client and get them to grow towards their own specified goals. This is an action-based approach to staying sober that is so much more effective than the path that many people take in long term sobriety. If you are working with a recovery coach and always setting new goals and constantly pushing yourself to grow then you are going to have a very strong recovery.

Sponsorship is still useful but it serves a different purpose - one that is more geared toward spiritual guidance. This has its place and can even be useful in long term recovery, but it is no replacement for purposeful, action-driven growth and development.

If you think you might need a slight push when it comes to your own personal growth and development in long term recovery, then you might look into getting a recovery coach who can help you with this."

I believe ALL people benefit from working the 12 steps, and ALL people will enjoy better mental hygiene by the practice of the principles of the 12 steps. Any area of life can be built off the foundation. As a certified Master Spirit Life Coach', I believe all need a spiritual foundation.

Why do athletes and other high performers in life employ coaches? Think about it.

Interested in learning more? Go to www.hopeserenity.ca or contact me direct at khbray@hopeserenity.ca. We coach success!!

 

Learn to be Courageous
by Dr. Randin Brons, Ph.D., C.M.H., M.S.L.C.

I want to share this great piece written by my coaching coach.

Often, I run into people who are burdened with fear. To deal with fear requires courage, and it takes great courage to make change. Most fear the unknown. In one of my daily prayers, the Serenity Prayer, I ask for courage to change the things I can, and over time, through things we have incorporated as part of the "Co-Creative Process of Life Recovery", my courage has grown and great changes have occurred. Dr. B. writes:

"Courage is also known as bravery. It is the ability to face fear, pain, danger, uncertainty or intimidation. It is called 'physical courage' while facing physical challenges such as pain and hardship and 'moral courage' while enduring shame and discouragement.

The opposite of courage is fear. Courage makes your fear disappear. Courage is an important quality or character that you should have in order to face life's many challenges.

Is it possible for all of us to have courage?

Well, yes. Courage also means overcoming fears. In that sense we all could learn to overcome most of our fears. You should develop courage in yourself first so that you could instil courage in others - your children, your family, your spouse and your staff at work. If you do not know what courage is and you do not have it, how could you teach others?

How do you overcome fears?

Learn to curb your fears - You should realize that everyone is afraid of something or the other. Courage does not mean absence of fear. Courage is control over your fear. A courageous person acts in spite of his fear to move forward.

Face your fears - Fears disappear the minute you stare at them. Your fear takes over you when you get scared and back away from a fearful situation. The fear looms over you and becomes more powerful. The only way you could develop courage is to be aware of your fear and confront it consciously and continuously. As you face each fear-inducing situation as a challenge your fears become weaker and you grow stronger.

Desensitize yourself to your fears - There is a technique called 'Systematic desensitization' which is used to treat phobias and other extreme or erroneous fears based on principles of behaviour modification. In this technique you do a fearful act over and over until it has no more power over you. Your courage and confidence would grow more and more as you repeat the action several number of times. Finally your fear simply disappears once for all.

Your action plan in your efforts to overcome fear could include the following steps:

Define what courage is in your mind - it could be learning to drive, staying alone at home, going for a walk alone, swimming, etc. People are afraid of so many different things and what is simple to you may not be so for the other person.

Identify your fears - know your fears first.

Write down a list of all your fears - Be honest to yourself and do not be ashamed of admitting your fear of even the silliest thing in life.
Once your list is done, write down specific actions that you could possibly take in order to overcome those fears.

Prioritize your tasks.

Start taking action today." We coach the search for courage, and guarantee results. www.hopeserenity.ca.

THE HEAD MUSCLE?

Co-Creatively looking at muscle balance figuratively.

Strengths and weaknesses are a part of each of us, and it is incumbent on each of us to be fully aware of where we stand in both areas, and I'm talking mental strength, not the biceps. The Co-Creative Process of Life Recovery evolved from a set of principles that I had to learn, and these principles have really helped me to use my strengths (and we all have lots of them) to counter my weaknesses. Like coaching for an athlete, to get to understand this dynamic and harness, I needed outside coaching. If I could have done it without help, my life would not have gotten in the mess it did; I would have fixed things.

"The burden is equal to the horse's strength." -- The Talmud

"What are your strengths? What are your weaknesses?

If you make a list of the two and study them, you may discover they match.

Life needs us to bring our strengths to the world. To encourage us to do so, we have weaknesses that give rise to problems that require us to call on our strengths to solve them. Ingenious, don't you think?"

"Our weaknesses are divine gifts that when embraced will enable us to make our purposeful contribution to the whole, which is why we incarnated in the first place." -- Andrew Schneider

"We acquire the strength we have overcome." -- Ralph Waldo Emerson

These things are simple truth. Think about it and don't complicate the process like I was inclined to do. Use those head "strength muscles" to help you get the dreams you want. We coach others to life success based on proven methods. www.hopeserenity.ca.