keitbraycoach  

. . . we have some unfinished business between us.

The sun is out, a morning at the golf course! In the mean time:

When we respond to the small signals that something is amiss, we prevent bigger problems. When we feel fear in our relationship, it signals that we have some unfinished business between us. When we ask the questions we have been avoiding, we create new possibilities for resolution. Our fear is a signal that something does not feel safe. If we tell ourselves that our fear is illogical and discount it, or if we overreact by totally pulling out of the situation, we miss opportunities to change it.

What a relief we feel as we make sense out of our fear and begin to talk with each other. We let go of secrets between us and work toward mutual understanding. As we communicate, the knot in our stomachs loosens and light reappears in our relationship.

Name the signals your body gives you to indicate that something in your relationship needs attention.

In To Action. Ready? Amends

This action scared the living twist out of me!

What was hammered through my thick skull that the amends I made were for my benefit, not for the benefit of the person I was making amends to. I was carrying the garbage, and this step in my journey was for me to clear up my garbage, and I was told to do it personally wherever humanly possible.

There is sort of an escape in the steps-except when to do so would injure them or others- and once again, I was reminded that it did not say except when to do so would be very difficult for me.

By this time, I had a pretty good list of those I had harmed, and finally had become WILLING to make the amends.

When we first get rid of our addictions, some of us tended to run around and tell many people we were sorry about what we had done, but now would do better. I admit to one of those who wanted to make amends right , left and center very early on, I wanted to have my ego stroked by having people say” Oh what a good fellow you are” or the like. This amends were useless. They were done far too early.

I consulted with my trusted advisers about each amend. They included family, friends, former friends’ employers and my ex-wife and her family. And a few others.

Most of them I got done very quickly. There were two that had to be done face to face in a proper place, or there well might have been harm done. But do them I did! And at the first opportunity.

Some people were receptive and listened with interest. A few told me where to get off and said in their minds I would always be a jerk. Some were amazed that I would remember incidents that were long out of their memory. With those I love the most, progress on my journey for the last number of years has been the only true amend I can make. There are certain behaviors that asking forgiveness was not deep enough, sorry wouldn’t do, the process is shown by my actions ongoing!

I was told this action was for me, and at the end of the process, I truly understood.

A tremendous weight was lifted off my shoulders. I could hold my head up much higher. I did not have to worry inside about running into certain people, and a load of guilt, shame and resentments was lifted.

I truly began to experience a new freedom.

I remain ever grateful for those who guided me through this process and made sure I was thorough!

Amends were scary, the [payoff was great. For those trying to get life back on track, I recommend this action process highly. Not a lot of fun, but truly worth it!

So are you in a position to be ready to clean up your past wreckage??

Free Rent In Your Head?

Resentments can kill

As we look at making amends, I was reminded again today about resentments.

If I’m ever going to return to my old ways of dealing with the less pleasant side of life, it will likely be due to a resentment that I allow to remain unresolved. If my head is an apartment building, resentments could be like a destructive tenant who dwells there without paying rent.

In doing my inventory, I found a few incidents of resents that I had carried for a long time. Not only were they directed towards people, but some lingering ones were carried against a church and school! Hard to believe I let them linger and fester so long. In a way, my resentment with a church allowed me to go spiritually bankrupt.

There were, are and will be people and things that do me wrong. I have to deal with them at the time. I have a fault at times at trusting too much, and in the wrong people. To put it bluntly, there are times I have had my teeth kicked in for this. There are people who have deliberately set out to do me harm. Over the last few years, I have learned to feel sympathy for them.

I remember when, and don’t want to go back to, a time where I would carry grudges and plan, and sometimes carry out, retribution. I was obsessed at times about squaring things up, it kept me awake, made me miserable and was definitely a sign of some insanity in my mind; certainly not good mental hygiene!

In remembering when, I can feel sympathy for those carrying the burdens I used to allow myself to carry!

Don’t get me wrong, this is not a turn the other cheek and get slapped again. I am assertive where assertion is needed, and do respect myself. In not carrying resentments, that does not say I wish the person and overabundance of good luck.

When I turn things over, the incident and person does not waste the valuable time and space in my head. They are evicted, and no rent is due.

In making amends, and doing my list, there were people on the list that had done me some bad turns, and still it was important that they be on my list and I do what had to be done.

For my journey was for a better life for me, a life with hope and serenity, a life with abundance and happiness and free from mood altering addictions.

Resentments are likely the most hazardous feelings we can carry inside of us. I know that. Have you got any lingering resentments living rent free in your head?

If so, get them down on paper as a start point!

Do You Have Any Idea Where You’re Going??/Life Direction

The above question can be found as part of a collage of questions on a bill board in Dallas. They are questions from God.

Upon seeing this, it made me reflect.

There was a time that I had no idea of where I was going. Then as they say, sh*t happened and my life went tilt.

I had no idea of where I was going, but made a decision that I couldn’t go where I was heading.

A spiritual awakening, a lot of help, much soul searching, a ton of support and constant gratitude! A new journey began with new purpose and new, positive direction. A journey of hope, a lot of serenity, and no final destination. A journey filled with gratitude and satisfaction in learning, and helping others!!

I am shocked, in talking with others, how many people are struggling to find out where they are going and who they really are. Some hide behind addictions or become actors on the stage of life, characters with no belief that the character is them. Many have no spiritual foundation (not to be confused with religion), and are drifting in the “cosmic void”.

For 14 years I’ve wanted to be able to help others. I’ve spent a life time trying to do for others, and found that some of this was so I wouldn’t have to look at me.

My journey began by finding out who I am, and life is work in progress.

I have a gift, and the gift is value added through experience and education. I know my life’s purpose with clarity and love the opportunity to do what is my true calling.

When I tell some people I coach and mentor, they look at me like I have two heads. In some parts of the world, using personal coaches is an accepted part of life, a necessity for many. Canada is slow to adopt, and slow to change. But it is changing.

Many have addictions or addicted people in their life, and do not know where to turn. They want guidance and confidentiality, and are not yet prepared to go public in “self-help” groups. I am privileged to work with these people and make a difference.

If it’s living an addiction free life or setting goals for the future and getting to really know who you are, I can help and have been the instrument that has redirected the lives of many!

I know where I’m going, do you??

So I’ve Got A List. Willing??/Addiction Recovery/Life Balance

So I had a list of people I had harmed. Some of them were jerks. I am not willing right now to make amends. They did me more harm than I did them and some of them really deserved all that I did.

I felt these feelings towards some on my list back then, and certainly was not WILLING to make amends to a few. This included an ex-wife who I was really pissed at over things that had happened when and after we split. I was indignant about some of her actions.

Even recently, I have had things come up which I felt were really not my fault, but today, willingness comes much easier. Today I am responsible for my own role in situations, and usually when things hit the fan, I’ve had my little hand in there some where.

There were several on my list that I was willing to make amends to. No qualms about it, I had been wrong, and had carried guilt and/or shame about things for a long time. With these folks, it was easy to take the next step and make a footprint for myself.

I reflected long and hard on the few people where willingness was an issue. I certainly discussed specifics with my coaching team.

Why had their names appeared on my list?

Obviously, there was garbage I was carrying around about them. Through conversations, prayer and meditation, and knowing I wanted to get rid of my internal garbage, I became reluctantly and selfishly willing; but willing just the same.

This action piece was far more difficult than I imagined, and it was only making a list and becoming willing to make amends for my actions. I also feared a few situations I knew that were coming at the next stage!

So I made a list, and eventually became willing. For those of you who are on your own journey, or have been through this phase in reclaiming your life, you’ll be able to relate easily to what I’m saying.

For those who want a new and more abundant life with renewed hope and serenity daily, and are trudging this road to happy destiny, you find your own stuck points here. That so and so! Me, willing? But you will become so.

Ready For Some Tough Stuff?

Even doing a list can hurt!

Back into action!

The next thing on the agenda is to make a list of people we had harmed along the way, and became willing to make amends. Really two things, so I deal with one at a time.

In doing my inventory, I identified quite a few people I had harmed along the way, with the worst harm naturally done to those I am closest to. What a surprise. With the selfish way I carried on, the entitlements I thought I had, there were a number of people I had winged. As well, my career had been very good, and I had occupied positions of major responsibility and had responsibility for the job well being of hundreds. While I had done a good job in general, there were certainly a few who I hammered along the way. Never back stabbing, but hurting their careers, and in some casers hurting them for doing the things I got away with. Hard to be fooled by a duck when you are one!! Ironic how that works.

My list had several names on it including an ex-wife, some of her family, and of course my spouse and kids and more.

No where in my program does it say to list me as one I had done harm to. I had got hurt along the way and had to recover my own self-esteem, but not as part of this process.

There were people on my list who had stuck it to me fairly bad, and I had certainly found ways to get even. They begrudgingly went on the list.

The name of the game was to list people where I felt pangs of guilt for my behavior, and being me, I had to put personal grudges and the like aside.

I put the list together primarily based on things from my inventory and included employers I had cheated on and lied to, and the like.

The list was not super long, but long enough. It is amazing how in active addiction and being totally selfish and insecure, how you can damage people along the trail and in most cases never intend to!

The list in itself was tough stuff, but when I got to this point, I was ready to do it.

Tomorrow I’ll look at the tough part, to become willing. Really emotional when I looked at some.

The next piece of this journey was tough stuff. Will you be ready when you get there?