Katy Manna  

All the work that I do boils down to one thing: THE APPLICATION OF SELF ESTEEM. So you can imagine my surprise the other day as I was sitting at an event and I heard a woman say, "self-esteem is one big roller coaster ride". This woman is a coach that I have much respect for as well. She is an amazing life coach and an amazing woman in general. Still, I couldn't believe my ears.
Sometimes it's all about the language and I wondered, "are we saying the same thing with different words?"
This comment was very jarring for me because the basis of my work is about self-esteem being in tact and it takes self esteem, in my humble opinion, to stay consistent with it. So, what gives?
From all of the people I have worked with and in my own journey I have found that real self esteem boils down to one thing: is our spirit engaged?
Many people have the understanding that self esteem is a psychological issue that is about standing up for ones self or being able to speak up for ourselves and talk about our feelings. And sure, this is certainly a piece of it. It is also only the tip of the ice burg and if we stop there, then yes, it sure does feel like a roller coaster ride. It feels like a ride because if we are hanging our hat on the psychological piece then we are still staying in our human self. That part of us who can have a mood swing in point two seconds and this so called self esteem can go right out the window. This is a self-of-steam not self esteem. It can evaporate or seemingly vanish without warning.
I believe that self esteem is in Truth is how much we allow our spirit to animate our life. When we are so engaged with our spirit that our human self answers to our spirit first and foremost we find that self esteem is unwavering. That does not mean that our human selves will not chime in, but at the end of the day our spirit wins and we go to bed feeling safe and comfortable in our own skin.
Sadly, many people are divorced from their spirit in big ways and have confused their human self with their spirit. Our spirit knows that we are always safe therefore, using our spirit as our means of navigating through life and as our compass, we connected fully with the Divine and their is little room for worry or struggle.
The choices we make day to day are how all of this is revealed to us. Do we feel like our self is made of steam often? Or do our actions say, "yes, I recognize the fear of my human self and at the same time I acknowledge that my spirit is fully engaged with the Divine and will steer me in the right direction."  This way of living continues to take us back to the place of our human self living in the back seat and our spirit in the drivers seat with the Divine right there with us. And this ride is not on a roller coaster, but a paved road. That is true self esteem, putting your spirit in action.

www.LiveWithTheLightsOn.com

I find myself in an interesting place. Isn't life always interesting? There really never is a dull moment when I can put my ego aside and view my life as an observer.

There was a time when my circumstance would have made me crazy. I would have made it my life's mission to "make this work". What I have found is that what I try to control ends up controlling me and it was time to let go.

I find less and less the need to put my hands all over everything. Many of the things I worked and worked and worked for, ended up not being in my best interest. When I am able to surrender and release, all that I need comes to me in a way that I would not expect.

I recently found myself at a special event that I did not have to pay for. Through a series of events that I just went with, I ended up in a place I could have never gotten to on my own. The Universe was up to something. I understood that my primary job was to stay open and honest with myself.

I had all kinds of interesting stories that went on in my head- what might happen, or what this might lead too. These elaborate ideas flooded my mind for a couple of weeks. Each one thrilling and not one of them happened!

When I began to see that nothing was "adding up" I heard a voice say, "just stay open".

I needed that reminder as it seemed like chaos could get the best of me. Instead I took a deep breath and affirmed that I was showing up and staying open and honest.

In the end, I saw that I was able to move through this set of circumstances in the most peaceful way. Showing up with an open mind and an open heart and with out an agenda was the way that peace chose me.

The Universe saw to it that it put me in a position where I was almost so disoriented that I almost had no choice other than staying on my toes and open to possibility.

What happened was my life changed. My internal self shifted in a way that I never could have seen coming. I allowed myself to be guided with behavior that to some might seem irrational. I allowed myself to listen to my own inner guidance. I allowed myself to show up with a beginners mind. I allowed myself to be led by my spirit calling me and put my ego in the back seat. The gift was true empowerment.

Letting go of all the "shoulds". Letting go of the expectations. Letting go of the linear thinking are all ways of choosing peace. A peaceful heart and a peaceful mind are a great catalyst for change. We do not always need to hold on to pain for that kind of change.
Choosing peace, instead of choosing contrast, will get us further in the long run.  It is time to surrender and release all that we feel we have control over.

The only thing we can control in this world is our behavior, when we really understand that, peace has a way of walking in the through the back door and changing us forever.

www.LiveWiththeLightsOn.com

I always say to people that I am never surprised any more but I am always in awe. And once again, I find myself in a place of experiencing this. I ventured back to my spot out in nature and saw that there was another path that I had seen but not given any attention to. I decided that I would turn left and see what there was for me to discover. I had no idea that I would discover more about myself than anything else.

I saw more trees, dead and alive. I saw lot's of flowers and butterflies. I noticed that this path was more hidden, a smaller path and one whose beauty was far greater than the other.

I felt tucked away safely by this little corner of the world. As I heard the sound of water I could feel my body open up. It was as if each fiber of my being tuned in to the healing power of the water I had just stumbled upon.

I see a clearing and follow my intuition, there is a message for me, this I am sure. I approach this clearing with wonder and curiosity. The next thing I know, I am surrounded by butterflies and dragonflies. There is a large rock for me to sit and meditate on, a rock just on the edge of this body of water that had been calling me just minutes ago.

As I sit down and take a deep breath, I am amazed this has been here all along. This glorious retreat, right under my nose. That is when the message came in loud and clear.

"This has been here all along, right under your nose. YOU have been here all along, right under YOUR nose".

This beautiful little spot was symbolic of me and my life. Yes, this has been here all along. No matter how many different paths I have gone seeking to know myself better, this one gorgeous path has been sitting here waiting all along. All I needed to do was listen and I would be welcomed in this this sanctuary.

I began to understand that despite the fact that I have had a close relationship with myself, my heart has not been fully engaged. I always thought that other paths that were out of the way would take me to my destination. I never saw m self as my own sanctuary, a place where I am always welcomed with a warm hug and a place that I am loved.
My inner sanctuary, a place where I am safe.

I sit on this rock and begin to feel my heart open up in ways that it has never before. I realize how my heart has not been fully engaged in my life up until this point. Yes, I have loved and I have loved deeply. What I have not experienced is feeling nurtured by my own heart. It felt as though I was a baby at my mothers breast.

I felt how strong my heart is, and yet so sensitive, peaceful and quietly powerful.
"This has been here all along. Right under you nose."  I continued to hear this message.
I sat in awe for at least thirty minutes as I soaked in this notion that everything is a reflection  of us. I sat understanding this beautiful place was me. A concept that was not new to me, but one that had now hit a new level of understanding in my being.

I saw how some people had left trash and how that resonated with me. Despite the trash, this outdoor sanctuary held strong and beautiful with grace. It remained a place for support and beauty. I knew I would be back to clean up the trash here. The time I have spent clearing away my own internal trash, I knew it was time to honor myself and my new love.

I find that life is always symbolic. No matter how we look at it, there is a symbolism that is available to us that calls us to evolve to a higher place. Always be the observer, ask for guidance in seeing the truth, and following the intuition are all ways to evolve to our highest purpose. The Truth is always right under our nose, look no further.

There is a wooded area I recently discovered near my house. I have lived in my house for nearly 7 years and was unfamiliar with this most amazing place until now. I have been aware that "something" was there, but what it was remained a mystery to me by choice.
One morning I was guided to take a walk of discovery. I felt moved, almost called to surrender to this great mystery and allow my heart to be my guide. I put on my walking shoes and I was off.

I was immediately aware of the beauty of this once hidden place. This most gorgeous path opened up and welcomed me. I delighted in its invitation and breathed in its essence.
The birds, the squirrels all have made this their home. And it's no wonder, I wish I could do the same. The tall trees shading the path in some spots and in others leaning back to for the plants to bask in the sunlight.

I begin to notice the fallen trees and how amazing they are. What I felt from them was their ability to move on with grace. In their death, they became shelter for little creatures, they became food for others and a breeding ground for the vibrant green moss. How amazing it must be to let go so completely and deeply. What a service to provide this most beautiful place.

I noticed how the fallen trees were just as beautiful and just as much a part of the living beauty that was before my eyes. This was a cosmic masterpiece that honored a Universal cycle.

I began to think about how this relates to my life. In these trees I saw relationships I have let go of, I saw pieces of myself that no longer served me. I saw the ultimate letting go, a full surrender to the Divine.This ultimate letting go paving the way for rebirth and a place for the new to take form.

I thought about how many times I have fought and fought until I surrendered. How I have lost sight of the bigger picture. That the letting go is just as natural as the receiving. How death is just as natural as birth. Neither being an ending or a beginning. And each a miracle.

I sat and breathed in the magnificence of this gift. I thanked the Universe for blessing me with this same kind of grace in my life. I thanked the Universe for enlightening me with such a powerful metaphor. I feel blessed to recognize this same landscape within me. The baby trees whose lives have just begun. The trees that are sturdy and full of gorgeous green leaves, thriving in their existence. The trees that have fallen and have blessed the woods with the an opportunity to start fresh and in a whole new way. And for the creatures that live in the woods for their appreciation and celebration for everything being just as it is.

As I began to make my way back home I walked in total connectedness. There was no distinction between me and the physical place I was in. I felt the power of being in complete harmony with the Universe. A powerful lesson that I reflect on often. I continue to visit this place and peel away the layers even deeper. I visit in honor of this Divine connection and in honor of life itself.

I am hitting one of those BIG milestones. A year since my divorce. I notice in these times how it feels as though I could almost reach out and touch another dimension where that life was. I am feeling so deeply connected to that space and time yet also fully connected to the place where I am now.
Where I am now is a place of deep joy. There are many things that are so up in the air. I am busy building a practice wanting to really support people in deepening their connection with themselves and their Source. There are many uncertainties at the moment. The joy from this is not needing to be so certain about how life will play out. How even the next two months will play out. 
Some of my joy is also stemming from feeling like I can fully inhale and exhale again. Two years ago I felt restricted. I felt that if I really took a breath, the buttons on my clothing would pop. I resisted the breath and adjusted my clothing. A lot of time has passed and I have changed my clothing all together. Breathing room. Aaahhhhh!
My soul delights in my ability to take life in fully again. To breathe in the joy that surrounds me and is within me.
I have learned so much from the past few years of my life. I have learned a lot about myself, about relationships, about what makes me tick within those relationships, what some of my pitfalls are and mostly, how to love someone more deeply. And loving that person, knowing that I needed to let them go. Letting them go was how I could love myself and him most of all. What a poetic Universe.
With my passion and love of life fully restored I am ready to try new ventures. I am ready to be more open than ever before. I thank these last years for that. I have lived 10 years in 2 and it didn't kill me, it made me stronger. It made me a better person and no doubt, it will continue to. Life has taken on a whole new flavor and a whole new meaning. I am enjoying getting to know myself deeper.
As I reflect, I wonder. Did I come full circle? Back to the person I needed to be and was all along? No, I am a different shape all together, as is my life. A more fluid shape that does not need the sturdy definition of a box that it once needed to feel safe.
I look forward to moving on in life and flowing into different containers to allow myself to deepen my experience and understanding of myself and the world around me.
Time does not heal, it's what we do in that time that heals.

Life is good. I love how spring has a way of bringing everything back to life, and that include aspects of myself. After a difficult year personally, I have been finally feeling like myself again. I can really see how different I was feeling even 4 months ago compared to where I am now. I feel alive again, I feel like Katy.
The clarity about my past registers more and more. I see how amazing it is that we choose certain things, that I chose certain things, because of the desire to always feels safe.
The notion of safe between the spirit and the human self are totally different.
When the human in us feels safe, I often find that the spirit in us feels caged, trapped. We seek the things that are tangible, that are solid. We live without faith that our deepest desires and even our needs will be ever met. We may go after "it", but stop short of seeing the miraculous.
This is a great difference between the spirit and the human self. Our spirit is fully capable of seeing the bigger picture and knowing that we are always safe. ALWAYS.
The human body is just the vessel that allows our spirit to experience our greatest potential here. The human body, the human self is to be applauded for all of its hard work. We get our personality traits from this human self, we get so much from it.
When we tip the scales though and forget that the spirit within us is ultimately what our human self has to answer to, we find ourselves frustrated and in unfulfilled places. We wonder why this person, place or thing has not delivered the happiness we expected it to.
Life to me is about not always feelings safe, but allowing that higher knowing in. Allowing my spirit the space to fully express itself. I can see that a lot of my turmoil a year ago was when I was allowing my spirit and my human self to dialogue so clearly that my life could not be the same. That transition often times brings turmoil because of the way we are shedding some of that human aspect of us that needs to feel safe by the physical world. 
I am thankful that I was aware enough to know that the turmoil was a deeper opening, that I was being pulled into deeper places within myself.
I realize that if I had leaned to heavily on my human side and let my spirit become filtered out, the turmoil would have become a soul sickness. That it would have felt toxic and tragic.
The real essence behind feeling safe is when we are so connected to our spirit and our Source that we know that will always be okay. That life is to be lived and not meant to be to packaged in this beautiful little box. When we do not live in that box, we are free to paint our fullest and most beautiful expressions on canvas.When we push ourselves in boxes, filling the expectations of what we are "supposed" to do, we are cutting off our potential and now allowing the true sense of joy really in.