My Mama's Mustache & Other Inherited Stuff  

Far better it is to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs even though checkered by failure, than to rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy nor suffer much because they live in the gray twilight that knows neither victory nor defeat.

Theodore Roosevelt (1858 - 1919)

What is defeat? Nothing but education; nothing but the first step to something better.

Wendell Phillips (1811 - 1884)

For over a month I have been silenced without mercy. How can this be? I am free, of age, and physically capable of the most atrocious sounds when I get the mood.

You see, it is like this. People got afraid because of what they thought I might do.

1. Speak traitorous words against traitorous people. (I will definitely speak more traitorous words now.)
2. Wake up dead of a suicide attack in my sister Wanda's spare room. OK, Wanda would find me dead. (When I was suicidal years ago, none of them were worried about anyone finding me dead in any bed. Now that I love life and never consider taking mine or any other life, my family has decided to take a stand and drive me from the DeGolierland territory.) Now mind you, they are not concerned that I will be found dead, just not in NY.

I realize this show is about changing me, and it will continue as such, but with so many people working so hard to change me, do I really have to make my own effort?

Absolutely. You see, the people bent on changing me do not know who I am. They have no clue. But I do. They want me to become "one of them" so I will fit, be acceptable, be safe to have around.

I use to be one of them. Quite uncomfortable really, always watching my back, always worried that people would find out who I am, always on the move in case people began to get "too close."

Besides, the family already decided who I am, I didn't even have to lift a finger.

Will return in a while to finish.

But by Monday will have reliable internet so, I'll be here!

Nobody Wins!

The mob remains in fear:
Fear of being right
Fear of being wrong
Fear of discovery
Fear of one stray individual thought betraying them
Fear that one day they will become the target

Fear
Fear
Fear

Mob rule can kill, maim, slander, discredit, and destroy. But they can never win.

It is more so in an Incest Family System. The Mob Rule consists of predators and the family who will give their own lives, time, energy,  emotion and sell their souls to the devil to protect a predator in the family.

They lose on many levels.

1. They lose the predator to his own disability
2. They lose touch with their own humanity.
3. They lock themselves in to one set of thinking, right thinking
4. Individuality is sacrificed for the good of the family.
5. Being on-guard consumes them
6. Lies and deceit must be covered with more lies and deceit
7. Remembering what they say is imperative, truth has a way of finding its way

I am the disloyal member in an incest family system. I am not the first traitor, only the most recent.
One who knew too much was labeled long ago "crazy"
Intimidation wreaked havoc on most of us.
Another was pressured to sign a paper stating that what happened never happened.
A third was black-balled from the family for attempting to protect a predators grandchildren.

I made the mistake of returning to the family territory of Chautauqua County. The first day in NY a family member-predator was lurking around, and yes, there is proof, in an attempt to frighten me off.
You see, as the baby of 20 children, I was always easy to run off, a cry-baby, of little account.
I changed.
Now three years and 4 months later I am still moving forward and upward through fear and heartache and financial ruin due to caring too much for family who are incapable of caring back.
And so Mob Rule has won some battles against me, but they cannot win the war.
I told them to back off.
I said my bite was worse than my bark.
I said I was not out to hurt anyone.
I said they had it all wrong.

They in turn labeled me crazy, dangerous, suicidal, a candidate for "the system" for disability and "the mental help I need" and from all directions family members poured in to drive me away.

Wait a moment. I am family. No. I am not. I am a traitor to the good name of bad people.
I have dishonored the family with no honor.
I must be put back in my place, or destroyed.

They do not know yet that I found a new place to belong in, a place of freedom and sanity, individuality and self worth.

When one of my elder sisters recently said if only I would just relax and be one of them, then they could accept me back in the family, I knew I would never be acceptable to them.

I fought through depression, alcoholism, incest therapy, and years of twelve step meetings to get to this place. I faced down my mother, braved the cold heart of DeGolierland, and have stepped away from the precipice I let them drive me to.

Go back and be "one of us" ? It will never happen.

I will always be free of the past. I earned my freedom with tears and hard work.
The family will remain a slave to the past, standing guard, ever vigilante against some wayward soul revealing the family secrets.

I have gained four sisters however. I have sisters for the first time ever. So I have more family than I thought possible.

Perhaps there are winners after all.

In the meantime, here is the post I would have posted, would have talked about and couldn't stay on line long enough to post even.

My powerful pc should be ready this week. I got everything but my eyes crossed.

There is nothing like returning to a place that remains unchanged to find how you yourself have altered.
Nelson Mandela

I vowed to me before entering New York State in June 2006 that I would not knuckle under to family pressure, or the intimidation that was sure to come.

I underestimated the meanness of the family of my birth. Perhaps I overestimated my own strength.

Before I set off for the land of my childhood I joked to my children that I would be the one with binoculars up on the cliffs at Letchworth State Park checking out the DeGolier Family Reunion to see if it was safe to proceed.

I ought to have taken me serious.

It is three and a half years later, and I did not knuckle under, nor did I run. I bent and twisted like a funnel cake at the fair, as did two of my sisters who stood by me, but I did not break.

In total I have four sisters now, four more than I had before 2006.

But back to changing me.

A portrait has been painted, more like a police sketch, and handed out, tacked up, and an all-points bulletin broadcast.

She must be devalued, discredited, patronized, medicated, re-educated, disabled, silenced, sent back where "she belongs."

One thing is sure. Had I the character, personality, selfishness, and viciousness of the labels attached to their rendition of me, I would hardly seek to change myself. It would still be everybody else who needs to change.

Point made. They label me with their own cr and expect me to fix it.

But it is all about changing me. The family will have to deal with their own stuff, or not. I do not care anymore.

There is nothing like returning to a place that remains unchanged to find how you yourself have altered.
Nelson Mandela

I vowed to me before entering New York State in June 2006 that I would not knuckle under to family pressure, or the intimidation that was sure to come.

I underestimated the meanness of the family of my birth. Perhaps I overestimated my own strength.

Before I set off for the land of my childhood I joked to my children that I would be the one with binoculars up on the cliffs at Letchworth State Park checking out the DeGolier Family Reunion to see if it was safe to proceed.

I ought to have taken me serious.

It is three and a half years later, and I did not knuckle under, nor did I run. I bent and twisted like a funnel cake at the fair, as did two of my sisters who stood by me, but I did not break.

In total I have four sisters now, four more than I had before 2006.

But back to changing me.

A portrait has been painted, more like a police sketch, and handed out, tacked up, and an all-points bulletin broadcast.

She must be devalued, discredited, patronized, medicated, re-educated, disabled, silenced, sent back where "she belongs."

One thing is sure. Had I the character, personality, selfishness, and viciousness of the labels attached to their rendition of me, I would hardly seek to change myself. It would still be everybody else who needs to change.

Point made. They label me with their own cr and expect me to fix it.

But it is all about changing me. The family will have to deal with their own stuff, or not. I do not care anymore.

Trust me LOL, I am trying.

The magnificent powers that be in this tyrannical family incest system have managed to cripple my voice temporarily.
My equipment has dwindled with the moving and shifting and mess. But I will be uploading a video this morning on YouTube, and several more in the next couple of days. I have a lot to say and a whole evil system to expose.

Down but not out. And far from silenced!