Call in to speak with the host
"Having to push our own elevator buttons, no shoeshine boys, the Capitol gym closed, no tweets from distant space probes - oh, my God, JASmius was right, the Republic really HAS fallen! Lord Barack, what can we do?!?"
"Have no fear, my children. Just shutter all the public facilities, revoke the privilege of ninety year old World War II vets from visiting their memorial, or ANY memorial, and arrest them if they show up anyway, close all goverment websites except for the ACA sites, and if that doesn't work, release an engineered virus into the ungrateful population at large. If they're going to make US feel pain after all we've done for them, we'll make them DIE!!!"
"Oh, and send out an invite to congressional leaders to meet me in my palace. Boehner needs a refresher on bowing & curtseying."
It's good to talk.