Guystalktime  

DadSense

It’s the bottom of the 7^th inning in 8 year old PONY baseball and your son is up to bat, man on base, 2 outs and he has 2 strikes and ball against him.  What do you do?  Do you shout “Get a hit!”  Or do you let the other parents shout and get excited.  Probably the latter.  Even though he is probably tuning you out during that moment anyway, what good does it do to tell him to get a hit?  He knows that.  Maybe you are a coach and in the dugout.  The best thing you can do when he looks over to you is push both palms downward at waist high level and look him in the eye and mouth the words, “Calm down”. 

After he strikes out or grounds out, let him take the walk into the dugout to get his mitt and don’t rush up to him.  You might pat him on the back and say “Good Try” or look him the eye and give him a smile.  Try to avoid “Better luck next time” type comments and be sincere.  Of course, if he gets that hit and wins the game, grab him and hug him and jump up and down and celebrate like you won the world series!  Of course this applies to all sports and daughters in softball as well. 

Your son is a good high school football player.  He was all-league offensive tackle as a junior.  You tell him he can get a college scholarship if he works hard and you tell friends and family that he is headed for bigger things. 

Maybe you should go online and look at what other kids your son’s age and position are like.  Chances are they bigger, faster and stronger and are rated on websites and in magazines, nationally, if they are legitimate college prospects.  Do you tell the boy he has no chance and to give up?  No, you tell them to take a realistic look at who their competition is and to do their best to make their goal.  You tell them to have other alternatives to their goal, like going to college and working to get grants or academic scholarships or loans. 

Is the boy 6 feet tall and 240 pounds?  Prospects are 6’5” and 300 pounds at the D-1 level.  Maybe he can make it in a lower division if he really wants to play.  A goal is just a dream with a timeframe and feed that dream.  Show him the magazines and websites and make it a time you spend together building his dream.  The athlete has to make his dream come true and you are there to be the guide on the side, not the sage on the stage.

Spouse Sense

What do you and your mate argue about?  Finances and household chores rank number 1 for most couples.  If you try and do two things, you can make these disagreements less emotional and more caring.  You cannot and should not avoid conversations about things that bother both of you, just follow a few simple rules:

Don’t just start in on a hot topic for discussion.  Preface by setting ground rules or at least formally introduce it.  “I’m concerned about our financial situation and I need your help”  or “I feel like I’m always taking out the trash or emptying the dishwasher and I would like to discuss it”. 

Be hard on the problem and soft on the person.  If the disagreement is about finances and your spouse or significant other is spending too much for something, instead of saying your spending is out of control and you need to stop.  Try making a spreadsheet in Microsoft Excel or something that tracks joint expenses and then show it to them and ask:  Do you think some of our expenses are too high?  We don’t seem to have enough money to make all these payments.  You are being hard on the problem, expenses, and soft on the person that may be spending out of your budget for clothes, golf, restaurants or other areas of discretionary spending.

What do you and your mate argue about?  Finances and household chores rank number 1 for most couples.  If you try and do two things, you can make these disagreements less emotional and more caring.  You cannot and should not avoid conversations about things that bother both of you, just follow a few simple rules:

Don’t just start in on a hot topic for discussion.  Preface by setting ground rules or at least formally introduce it.  “I’m concerned about our financial situation and I need your help”  or “I feel like I’m always taking out the trash or emptying the dishwasher and I would like to discuss it”. 

Separate roommate issues from relationship issues.  Are your disagreements over household chores and tasks vs problems with your interactions as a couple?  Think of your issues as if you were roommates and not a couple.  Is it who washed the dishes last or who cleaned the bathroom or took out the trash?  Those are roommate problems and should be discussed separate from the two of you as a couple.  There will be much less emotion if you don’t include your couple relationship in the conversation.  You can seven begin the discussion by saying:  If we were roommate in college, we would split our duties around the house equally wouldn’t we? 

Momsense

Your son or daughter’s baseball or softball coach just yelled at them for a mistake they made on the filed or court or in the pool.  If the sibling is 5 to 10 years old, that is not appropriate behavior for that age.  If they are in a club or other high level travel team, you signed them up for it and that is a higher level that they are expected to perform at.  Maybe if they aren’t doing well they shouldn’t be at the level in that sport yet?  But at any level 5 to 10 year old youth program, the coach should not be shouting negative things at the players. 

I coached 9 year old PONY league baseball with a coach that would take a player out of the game if they made an error, on the spot.  It was humiliating for the boy and you could see their self-confidence oozing out of them as they sat on the bench after being pulled.  I asked the coach, “Why do you take kids out after an error?”  His reply was that they take out major league pitchers when they give up home runs”.  I responded that these were kids that were not pros nor were they paid and our goal is to have them want to play next year, not quit in humiliation and disgust.  If a boy or girl quits a sport at 8 or 9, might they not be that same kid that is smoking, drinking or worse at 12 or 13 because they lost their dream of being an athlete.  The coach never pulled another player the rest of the season after an error. 

You don’t attack the coach when he or she attacks a player, just ask why they did or said that. They usually won’t have a very good answer if they choose to answer at all.  Be hard on the problem, soft on the person.  Show good manners and you will receive a good mannered response. 

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Your son or daughter is on the bench in a high school sport.  They haven’t gotten in a game in 6 games or matches and they are thinking about quitting the team.  Do you sit behind the coach during the game and berate them?  Do you confront them after a game and ask them “Why isn’t Johnny or Sally playing?”  Although these are probably going to make you feel better they actually damage you child’s chances of making this a positive experience for them.  By taking over the situation you cement your position as a “Helicopter” parent, hovering over and doing things for the child, and take away their opportunity to go ot the coach, when other aren’t around, and ask, “Coach, I’m trying my best and would like to know why I’m not playing”. 

Be hard on the problem and soft on the person.  That coach will be happy to explain to the child why they aren’t playing.  Maybe they aren’t doing a certain aspect of the game correctly, maybe they have an attitude the coach doesn’t like that needs correcting, maybe the coach has decided they aren’t going to play the person and he won’t give them a concrete reason.   Chances are that coach is making around .35 an hour and doesn’t need parents in their face.  They are making the commitment to coach and their decision should be respected. 

Maybe your kid should play another sport, or play that sport at the club or non-high school level.  Whatever the solution, parents talking to coaches about their kid’s performance is never right, unless the coach approaches you.  If you want to make decisions on who does and doesn’t play, then become a coach.  It’s the rare coach that can coach their own son or daughter at the high school level, which illustrates the difficulty of having such a dual relationship.  Don’t play your kid’s coach and parent just try and be the best parent you can be.