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This is a bit of a warning to those who have dismissed the value of shorter relationships that may have just run their course, but served their purpose. Longing a lifetime mate is the reason many miss quality moments of happiness right before them.

 

Surely you know, at least, one couple that has been together for more years than most of us have been alive, another couple that was together for so long that you thought they would never part, many other couples who have said “I Do” then divorced, and those who just can’t seem to keep it together for long at all.

 

Have you made the assumption that because relationships last long that the people in them are happy? Is it smart to look at what others do and emulate their interpersonal example expecting the same results, after all, aside from longevity, do you know the real results of their relationship?

 

In the Beginning
Think back to the beginning of a love affair; sharing time, energy and experiences that were mutually enjoyable.  Everybody knows the feeling of "new" love...the excitement it brings: the pitter-patter of the heart when you think of your mate, the stomach jitters when they are near and the anxious anticipation of what the future will hold.

 

What if your goal of longevity is stirring up trouble in your current paradise; your anticipation that what you currently have will remain?

 

What if planning and expecting based on what you’re experiencing, which in the beginning is mostly good, begins to create a wedge in your relationship? 

 

What if you end up sabotaging what you currently have by trying to shape future expectations?

 

Utopia Does Not Exist
The newness of love can be intoxicating. It is natural to want to hold onto paradise and to deceive yourself into believing that you can create a utopia based on what the beginnings of a relationship is, but it is not realistic.

 

We all want to believe that happily ever after exists.  In fact, it’s natural to hope that what you feel in the beginning of a relationship will forever, remain; those feelings of bliss, no pain and absolute unity - oneness...and then it happens, eventually, the whole of each of you is revealed: the good, the bad and the ugly. 

 

Here’s the reality, nothing and nobody remain the same; we all have good, bad and ugly, so to hope or expect that it will be all “good” all the time is a setup for disappointment.

 

Learner Mode
A more realistic expectation is to always be in "learner mode," allowing your mate to teach you more about who they are without judgment.  You'll learn who you're dealing with a lot quicker and be able to gauge how much you're willing to flex to keep “the good” you’ve got, knowing that the “bad” is imminent, and anticipating the “ugly,” which when it shows up, will be the true test of whether the pair of you are willing to work together to understand and minimize your “ugly” so that it does not overwhelm your good.

 

All too often, people make the mistake of being led by the emotions based on what they want before learning the facts about who each other are.

When there’s mutual interest and chemistry, then thank nature – the powers that be – for causing the pair of you to attract; for bringing somebody to you who, naturally, complement you.  Nature is smarter than we are.

 

In the beginning of relationships people tend to be grateful to whatever higher powers they acknowledge, but when the bad and ugly are revealed they begin to question any good in their mate.

 

Moment Living
Generally speaking, the beginning of any relationship is always good; your energies are high and the newness of love and its possibilities are exciting, and sights are fixed on longevity.

 

To make the most of every relationship, regardless of its duration is to live in the moment; to enjoy the relationship for what it is – at every stage – to remain in “learner mode” with no expectations, no mandates and no judgments; to give the relationship permission to organically evolve - developing or dissolving.  Enjoy it for what it is, today, with a willingness to change as IT changes! 

 

Every person is uniquely designed to perceive the world differently and every relationship is different because the two people are blending their individual perceptions of the world.  With that, here’s a question to consider when you and your mate are just getting to know each other, is there anybody better than the pair of you who can tell you how to allow the natural progression of your together-ness?

 

This is not to say that you can not learn from others, but when you’ve done the work on the most important relationship of all, the relationship you have with yourself – you will know who you are, know what you lack, why you attracted that particular mate and how much you are willing to flex in a relationship.

 

It’s probably wise to take other people's suggestions on longevity with a grain of salt.  Who’s to say that those long relationships didn’t run their course a long time ago, but for whatever reasons of comfort, in the words of the Soulful Singer, Gladys Knight, “neither one of them (us) wants to be the first to say - goodbye”?

Zara Green is an Individuality and Resilience focused Life Coach & Speaker. Get her FREE Audiobook that explains relationship fundamentals at GrownIsSexy.com

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