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Low Self Worth: codependents tend to come from troubled, dysfunctional families, and will deny this to the very end. They blame themselves for their family's shortcomings. They blame themselves for everything. They pick on themselves constantly: not intelligent enough, not pretty enough, not smart enough, not athletic enough, not good enough. But if another criticizes them, boy do they get defensive and angry, not to mention self-righteous. Don't try to give a codependent a compliment; they reject all compliments and praise, even though they get depressed from lack of compliments and praise. They feel "different" from the rest of the world. They reject themselves, but fear rejection. Everything is taken personally, they love being the victim (though will deny it with their last breath). They have been victims of sexual, physical, or emotional abuse, abandonment, neglect, and/or alcoholism. They feel like victims, carry lots of guilt and shame, and think their lives are not worth living. They should have done this, should have done that. They "should" themselves to death. Codependents say, "Why me?" on the outside, and know "why me" on the inside. While trying to prove to others that they are good enough, to themselves they are worthless and empty. Repression: most codependents repress their own needs, their own desires. They are afraid to let themselves be who they are and often appear rigid and controlled. They repress all thoughts of self worth out of their awareness and they are full of guilt. Codependents cannot have fun. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder: codependents worry. They worry about the slightest and silliest things: they worry that people are talking about them; they worry that people are not talking about them; they lose sleep over little things; they check up on others; they try to catch people in the act; they never find any answers, they focus on other's problems; they spend money compulsively; eat or drink compulsively; and wonder why they have no energy and why they never get anything done. Controlling Behaviors: codependents try to control events and people through helplessness, guilt, coercion, threats, advice-giving, manipulation, or domination. They are afraid to let people be who they are or let events happen naturally. They've lived in so many situations in which they had no control (abuse, alcoholism, etc) that they now try to control everything and get frustrated and angry when they cannot. They end up feeling controlled by events. They feel controlled by others. They resist change as if change were a contagion. Denial: codependents ignore problems or pretend they do not exist. They pretend things are not as bad as they are; they tell themselves it will get better; they stay busy to avoid thinking about things; they get confused, sick, depressed and visit doctors for a prescription. Many are workaholics. They lie to themselves and others. They believe their lies. And most of all, codependents will leave a healthy situation (by lying to themselves that it was an unhealthy situation) and get back into an unhealthy situation; though for the most part, most codependents either never leave an unhealthy situation/relationship, or they go from one unhealthy situation/relationship to another. Dependency: codependents do not feel happy or content with themselves. They look to others to supply them their happiness or their needs. They are threatened by the loss of anything or any person that provides them with their happiness. They do NOT love themselves. They did not feel loved by their parents. They equate love with pain and believe others are never, ever there for them. They need people more than they want them; their lives revolve around someone else's life; they tolerate abuse; feel trapped; leave one bad relationship and jump into another bad relationship. They wonder if they will ever find true love. And if they do find true love, they will leave that and find a loveless relationship becaus

  • Archived Blog Post

    Date / Time:

    When Lovers & Spouses Turn Deadly

    Abuse is always the prelude to elevated violent attacks in and abusive relationship. Being able to recognize signs of abuse earlier on can be difference sometimes between life and death Here are some indicators that the female in the relationship may be headed toward a psychotic episode at some point.

     No one has the right to be abusive in relationship. If you are concerned about whether you are in an abusive relationship, ask these questions, considered to be warning signs of a problem.

        * Was there violence in her family of origin?
        * Does she have mood swings, where one moment she's feel loving and affectionate, and the next moment angry and threatening?
        * Has she humiliated you in front of others?
        * Does she anger easily when drinking or on drugs?
        * During conflict does she often threaten or ignore you, destroy personal property or sentimental items, slam doors, or leave?
        * Has she threaten to hurt you or the children?
        * Has she ever used physical violence (scream at, slap, punch, hit, kick, grab, shove, shake, choke, bite or otherwise abuse) you, the children or any past partners?
        * Has she used or threaten to use a weapon against you?
        * Is she a very jealous person?
        * Does she regularly accuse you of being unfaithful?
        * Does she "track" all of your time?
        * Does she try to control how you think, dress, who you see, how you spend your time, how you spend your money?
        * Does she try to discourage you from seeing your family or friends?
        * Does she get angry or resentful when you are successful in a job or hobby?
        * Does she prevent you from working or attending school?
        * Does her conversation ever escalate into threats of separation or divorce?
        * Does she ever threaten to hurt you, herself, or others, if you talk about leaving her?
        * Does she criticize you for little things?
        * Does she do or say things that are designed to make you feel "incompetent", "crazy" or "stupid"?
        * Does she blame alcohol, drugs, stress, the children, others, especially you, or other life events for her behavior?
        * Does she feel guilty after aggressive behavior and strive for your forgiveness?
        * Does she think that she could never live without you, yet other times wants you out?
        * Does she force you to have sex against your will?
        * Does she use sex or other favors as a way to "make up" after conflict?
        * Does she control all finances and force you to account in detail for what you spend?
        * Are you sometimes afraid of her?
    Note while the list references "she" the signs are in no way gender marginalized

    These are a few signs often time displayed by female abusers. While this is not an end all list it does present quite a few indicators that often are the flags that escalated psychotic behavior is just up the road. Depending up individual situations the can always be indicators not on the above list. Trust your intuition, don't lie to yourself, and be smart.


    Signs He May Be Abusive

    Verbal Abuse/Mood Swings/Hypersensitive
    He will start by calling you a dirty name or an idiot. After he apologizes, you will let it go. After a while you will tune him out which will let him know that he can continue with this behavior. One moment he will be loving and the next you will do something that will make him fly off the handle. Take the signs seriously; they may save your life.

     Controlling/Blames others/Threats of Violence
    Most times, you will not see these signs in the beginning when he is trying to impress you. You will begin to see him getting agitated when he lets his guard down and it may show up when he yells at the store clerk for making a mistake or yell at you for burning supper or showing up late. He may make a verbal threat to hurt you and then quickly dismiss it saying he was just kidding. This type of behavior does not get better without treatment and willingness to really change. Be aware that he can warn you several times that he may be physically abusive before he actually hits you.

     Unrealistic Expectations/Blaming others
    If he follows behind you while you do something to make sure, you have done it right. If he is a neat freak and expects you to be the same. This is very controlling. He will blame you and everyone else for everything that is wrong in his life. Nothing will ever be his fault and most times, it will be yours.

     

    Cruelty to animals and children
    This is a huge sign. If a man is mean to a child or an animal what on earth is going to keep him from hurting you? Do not allow in your life what you would never think of doing. Do not regret the damage this will do to the children you have now, or the children you may have together. Do not think that he will never harm his own children, just say NO.

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