I seemed to have always had an understanding on how to live my life as is and how I should be however, because no one had the same ideas as I in the social structure I learnt to put up and shut up very early in life. I knew I was different in many ways and from an early age and I had to adjust to what I classed in my mind as being normal sheep programming. I mostly saw myself as an underdog and with a voice that had no real meaning in the world I was living in but I always knew that I was very special because of my awareness in being able to read people and know them by instinct. I had the ability to mix with nature well and animals loved me and showed this by never being frighten of me. I t was all I needed at that point in time.
I came from a very poor background and lived in war torn countries in my early years of growing up. I learnt to understand myself well when I was at my lowest and in total humility. All that I am learning now only clarifies some of the reasons why I had to have the experiences I had and also proving what I always thought was true. I believe now that I have lived my life just how I was meant to live it with all its pain, drudgery, pretence and deceits as well as having immense wonderful enjoyments.
So what has helped me to understand me in life better is to read and listen to all with am open mind and find what information resonates with me most and know that through love, gratitude, acceptance, and to live life just as it is and to let others live their life as they wish to and no that no one is under any obligations. Pity that things do not always run as smoothly as what this reads.
This brings to mind when every time someone mentions physical pain to me it takes me immediately to labour pains I had when I gave birth to my first born and that alone puts me in a place of knowing what I would like to hear people say to me when I am in pain. It is because I went through this pain on my own at the time and it is because of this that I know the difference between pleasure and pain. Sure billions of other women had labour pains to have their children and never speak of this pain openly as I do. I believe that women have not been given the credit for what they go through in labour and that is only the beginning of it all. Sure I had the professionals around me and at hand that knew how to deliver babies but I went through this torturous pain on my own to give birth to a soul that decided to use my womb to reincarnate to this world.
There are no words to describe what kind of pain it is or how you suffer when you feel your flesh tearing in all directions as the child’s head breaks through the cervix and every giant cruel cramp that is associated with every single contraction. After my healthy girl child was born I went into shock and it was at this point where the medical staff realised that I was under much more trauma than I had let on or how unobserved it went for at this point all became panic stricken and went to work to save my life even though I would have preferred to die at that face in time.
Understanding this does not take away what I went through nor did I ever forget it for there was no other time in my life where I felt closer to death and I was actually glad and ready to let go of my life for I knew this would be the end of my suffering. This lesson however taught me that the human body is a lot stronger than what I ever thought it was and realised that I had not given it much credit for its physical accomplishment before this.
Life, love and light