Coaches On The Edge  

elizabeth: Two weeks ago I was dreaming about overindulging in Halloween candy  when the phone rang. I don’t like getting calls after 10 PM because of that old wives’ tale that bad news only comes at night. Yeah, right. A soft gentlemen’s voice on the other end informed me that he had a dream about my phone number and had to call. Not a great pick-up line, but I really wasn’t thinking he was going there. He said it again and I told him that he woke me up. It was late. Yes, he said it is 5 AM in Tibet. 5 AM in the Tibet? And then I heard it - a slight accent. I am holding the phone not knowing whether to hang up but his voice was smoothing and I sensed he wanted to tell me something besides my phone number popping up in his dreams. Maybe the lottery numbers? It was then that he said he had a dream about my phone number and that I was going to have a very good year. So that was the message. A man somewhere on the other side of the planet was letting me know that the year was going to be a very good one for me. I thanked him and we hung up. He delivered his message – mission accomplished. Me – I am going to take it as a sign to believe that it will be a very good year. And at least he didn’t ask me if my refrigerator was running.
 
 When I got off the phone, I said to Walter that some man from Tibet called to say that I was going to have a very good year. I think Walter’s eyes are still somewhere in the back of his head. 
 
Laurie: If I have told elizabeth once, I’ve told her a million times. She really has to start sharing her drugs. I’m not even sure if there is a habitable Tibet any more, and this is one far-fetched story. But I’m tempted to give her the benefit of the doubt because I’ve had similar “huh?” experiences. I have a little deal with The Universe. Whenever I’m feeling blue (no, I’m not going to break out into song and “whistle a happy tune”), I count on TU (I’m on very casual terms with The Universe) to show me something yellow, my favorite color. Summer is much easier on TU, but I have seen dandelions peeping above snow in February. Works every time.
 
elizabeth: The other day I thought about two friends that I had not heard from in a while – one was over 18 months. Within 48 hours both had gotten in touch with me. Did I send out some message in the wind that they picked up? Not sure but they both emailed to say we should get together. I love this stuff! All I had to do was think about them. I am sitting here thinking about a smaller waist, peace on earth and financial security. Now if they all come to me in 48 hours, you’ll all be the first to know. Walter will be ordering himself some smelling salts.
 
Laurie: You should also share the smelling salts. 
 
elizabeth: About two weeks ago, I went to find some gift cards that were tucked away in a safe place. Only problem was they were not there. After searching high and low for them, I resigned myself to the fact that they were history. But secretly I was pissed off.   On Halloween morning, I went looking for my black cat earrings and witch pin and they were nowhere to be found. Now I was speaking in tongues! Walter, in his most sarcastic voice, said to go ask David. David is my darling friend who died 12 years ago on Thanksgiving. One way I keep David close to me is by asking him to find things I can’t. Needless to say the last few weeks have been busy for him. So I did. I walked over to this one area of the bedroom and picked up this hat box. Felt a little heavy. Opened it and there was my Halloween finery. Right next to it was the box that contained my gift cards.  
 
So if you ask me if I believe in signs, well, I think I just answered that.
 
Laurie: Well as long as we’re confessing (sort of), I have a book with messages from angels – hey, you never know. And each morning I read a snippet, also known as a Message of the Day. This particular day the message was “Look for miracles wherever you are.” Later casually strolling to my doctor’s appointment, I happened to look down at the pavement, and there mere millimeters from my left foot was a dragonfly, its iridescent wings glimmering against the New York City grime of this highly-traveled walkway. Forget the fact that I have never seen a dragonfly anywhere in the Big Apple before. Cooler than cool was the fact that I had on my dragonfly socks!
 
Yes, elizabeth, you can borrow my socks (she loves crazy socks) if I can wear your witch pin next Halloween. 
 
© 2009, Coaches on the Edge ™
 
If you would like to learn more about Laurie, please go to her site: www.eljny.com. 
Stop by at elizabeth’s site at: www.BranchingOutLifeCoaching.com

elizabeth: When the East Village was my home, I lived with a boyfriend who was so handsome and sultry eyed sexy. Man, I just liked looking at him. And I know he liked looking at himself also. If I was him, I would have been doing the same damn thing. We lived on St. Mark’s Place and whenever we walked to the West Village men’s eyes would be undressing and bedding him down. That cracked me up something fierce. Because it could be -37 degrees and he would be breaking out in a sweat because the young (and old) gay men thought he was hot. I had very good taste. He told me that a lot.

 
But he was cheap. Not the hey I forgot my wallet cheap, but hey I think you should buy my dinner cheap. Cheap, cheap, cheap. But he was hot. And when he bought dinner it was be pasta made in the kitchen that housed our bathtub. So he could bath and watch the water boil at the same time.
 
We broke up numerous times because neither one of us wanted to get married at the same time. I look back and I am glad because I probably would have had to work two jobs so that he could sit around and look hot. And back then I probably would have considered it. For about 2 seconds.
 
Laurie: Yeah, cheap is not my favorite characteristic. My winner used to say whenever I cooked “See, I knew you could do better than some restaurant.” Now for women who enjoy cooking, that may be considered a compliment, but to me it was just another sign that this bozo was trying to get out of buying me a dinner I didn’t have to cook in my dime-sized apartment. I decided that rather than doing better than some restaurant I could do better than him. But to his credit, he was The One – the one who confirmed that me and Cheap will never be hanging out together.
 
elizabeth: The boyfriend I flew cross country to live with in San Francisco was extraordinary. He was a man who believed the world should cooperate; he had such compassion for all, he listened and held your pain in his hand and he cried with you. Plus he had some of the best hair I have ever seen on a man. Dark brown and sun kissed and thick with a slight wave. He started to drive cross country by himself, and when he came back north to spend the holidays with me, his shoulder length hair was up around his ears. CRAP! He did not look like himself. With tears in my eyes, I asked him why he cut his hair. And I can still quote him. He said “Babe, what do you think they would do to a Jew with long hair driving a van with NY plates down south?” That made me cry even harder because I knew he was right.
 
Laurie: My first husband was the most beautiful thing I ever saw. Walked into a college class and there sat a blond-haired, blue-eyed god in a tank top, muscles gleaming and hair touching the top of his tanned and toned shoulders. Knew I had to have some of that. And I did. We were married six months before we graduated college. I have all the pretty pictures to prove it. And he was sure we were going to have a great future because his parents would help us. What? You want independent me to take money from someone I don’t even know? They’ll be investing in their grandchildren’s future? OMG, you want kids???? Yes, we did talk prior to getting married but usually between sexual escapades. We were divorced 13 months later. ‘Nuff said.
 
elizabeth: This old boyfriend could have been a keeper but we did break up about five years later. Family pressure got to us.   His mother did not want him to marry outside his faith and I got tired of feeling like a leper. But we talked a lot until he got married to someone else. The funny thing is that one of our old friends told me that she looked like me. My brother said she was plain looking.   I don’t talk to my brother anymore.
 
Laurie: elizabeth, let’s raise a glass of unsweetened iced tea to the ones that got away, breathing a huge sigh of relief, scorning the prejudiced family, and casting an angry glance at your brother. Here’s to the ones that weren’t The One.
 
© 2009, Coaches on the Edge ™
 
If you would like to learn more about Laurie, please go to her site: www.eljny.com. 
Stop by at elizabeth’s site at: www.BranchingOutLifeCoaching.com

elizabeth: Well, we have not received letters from Ms. Winfrey’s lawyers telling us to cease and desist (like this is something that would stop Laurie…for the fifth time) and so we are back with our plan to get on the cover of O Magazine. To be fair to Oprah, we are not demanding what issue we would like to see our faces on the cover. We shall request separate lighting directors to make sure that this history making picture does not show a flaw or reveal our jaded hearts. Do I bring my yellow lab, Miz Ruby, to frolic with Oprah’s Sadie in the fake background? Will Miz R. get hair and makeup? And what does a Key Grip hold unto when they are feeling vulnerable? 

Oprah can you hear us?
 
elizabeth: So today, Coaches on the Edge is holding its first Annual Get those Coaches on the Edge on the cover of O magazine Contest.   Sadly Oprah is not allowed to cast a vote, but you all know damn well that it would be a rousing “WHAT?”
 
So without further ado (what does an ado do when it is not working?) I give you Mistress Lawson who will be explaining how you could be the first winner of the GTCOTEOTCOOM contest. Laurie, please don’t forget to mention the fabulous prize that will soon become a collector’s item.
  
Laurie: I’d like a drum roll, please…and to be a size 10…and the lottery numbers for tonight…sorry, I got carried away. Okay, we kept you waiting with baited breath (yet another expression I don’t understand – there are so many but that doesn’t stop me from using them) to find out exactly what the winner of the GTCOTEOTCOOM contest will receive. Are ya ready? Be the person who comes up with the best slogan that will hopefully convince Oprah that we are magazine-cover worthy and you will receive a genuine COACHES ON THE EDGE TOTEBAG, complete with a picture of the Young Coaches and our snotty slogan on the back! Okay, calm down and start producing slogans.
 
elizabeth: So do not delay. Put on your thinking caps on and put down the cheap whiskey and allow your brain soar above the noise that is your lives and send us your brilliant slogans for getting the Coaches on the Edge on the cover of O Magazine. I will gladly give up my spot in Heaven for the one slogan that makes Oprah call and go, “Get thee to Chicago now. Stedman will pick up both up in our stretch station wagon.” And they all lived happily ever after. Fade to black. 
 
Laurie: I’m standing by the mailbox. 
 
© 2009, Coaches on the Edge ™
 
If you would like to learn more about Laurie, please go to her site: www.eljny.com. 
Stop by at elizabeth’s site at: www.BranchingOutLifeCoaching.com

elizabeth: So we have not lost our minds (you can’t lose what you don’t have), but on Monday I saw Ellen Degeneres on Oprah and she got herself on the cover of O. And Ellen is blond, very funny and married to the very beautiful Portia De Rossi. I am blond, people say I make them chuckle and my wife has a beard and goes by the name of Walter. Okay he’s not really my wife, but I think Ellen and my life have so many parallels that if Oprah let Ellen be on the cover of O, then why not us? Laurie will sit quietly for photos and she is very photogenic and I try not to become bitter about that. I just hope my head won’t explode.
And while we are at it, I could use a wife.
 
Laurie: I could use a wife too. But more than that, I’d like a guaranteed ticket to fame and fortune. Oprah, can ya hear me? We know you have your very own life coach in your glorious (and way too heavy) magazine, but do you have a pair that are witty, edgy, and more than willing to pretend they are married to win your favor? I think not – Coaches on the Edge is one of a kind (or in this case – two of a kind). Anoint us with your blessings by putting us on your cover, and we will play among the stars forever more.
 
elizabeth & Laurie: We believe that Coaches on the Edge needs to be on the cover of Oprah’s magazine. But we won’t get there without your help. You need to see our heavily airbrushed mugs on the cover of O. You just didn’t realize it until now.
In the coming weeks, we will let you know how to make this a reality for two little girls who have a dream.
 
The young coaches                  O- here we come
 
 
© 2009, Coaches on the Edge ™
 
If you would like to learn more about Laurie, please go to her site: www.eljny.com. 
Stop by at elizabeth’s site at: www.BranchingOutLifeCoaching.com

We're Coaches on the Edge - Life Coaching at its finest - peppered with humor, sliced with sarcasm,tainted with truth and we're able to leap tall buildings in heels. Come and hear us rant and rave. We promise we won't bite.

We're Coaches on the Edge - Life Coaching at its finest - peppered with humor, sliced with sarcasm,tainted with truth and we're able to leap tall buildings in heels. Come and hear us rant and rave. We promise we won't bite.