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Breaking The Cycle of Denial

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Ashley M Dais

Ashley M Dais

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We get stuck in these dead end cycles that do not allow air to breath and room to grow into who we are meant to become! It is time to recognize that you are in DENIAL and break that cycle of being stuck in your mess!

Sit down on the couch and talk about life with me and recognizing how to break through denial and allow change and progress to ENTER into your life!

Transcript

0:06 Ashley Dais

Hello and welcome to blogtalkradio.com with Couch Talk Life Coaching. I am your host Ashley Dais, your life coach and your couch practitioner helping you tear those stuck syndrome by breaking those mental roadblocks. They keep you stuck, disorganized and unaware. I will help you clear path for growth and success and we will do this together as a team through my social emotional wellness program where I cover mental health, emotional health and social health as they relate to you, your life, your lifestyle and life in general. I'll focus on how emotional health leads to the mental state and social health that we get ourselves mixed up instead. Today, on the couch, we are gonna talk about life, so sit down and enjoy.

1:10 Ashley Dais

Welcome, welcome, welcome to the couch on this evening. I am your host, Ashley Dais, and we are gonna talk about the part of life that includes denial. I am gonna first start up with the definition of denial. Denial is a defense mechanism in which a person is faced with a fact that is too uncomfortable to accept and reject it instead. Insisting that it is not true despite what may be overwhelming evidence. There are different modes of denial; there is simply denial, minimization and projection. Simple denial is where you deny reality of unpleasant facts altogether. It just means that you fled out last and do not think it is true or even if you think it is true you just gonna deny it until you go to your grave. Minimization is admitting the fact but deny it in seriousness, so you don't really think what you did was that serious. It's a combination of denial and rationalization at the same time. And then projection, you admit both that the fact is serious but you deny the responsibility which basically means you admit there is a problem and you admit that is serious but it's not your fault, okay. And then the different types of denial that insists is denial of fact. This form of denial is lying, outright falsehood, not really admitting to anything and this is called commission.

3:11 Ashley Dais

Leaving certain details out and not really giving the whole story. Not giving the whole story it is called omission and this may be, let's say you went out last night and you had too many drinks and somebody came in but you are trying to stop drinking and somebody asks you, "well you know; what happened last night?", "well, we went out with some friends, then they drank and I just sat there and we had so much fun", you omitting the fact that you or denied the fact that you were involved and did have the activity as well and they may have simply denied the fact because it may be painful to themselves or others. So you were in recovery or of you're trying to lose weight and you regress for a moment or for a night. It may be embarrassing to you or helpful to someone else because they have been helping you so much during this and then there is denial of responsibility, avoiding personal responsibility, blaming, a direct statement she thinks culpability and may overlap with denial or a fact. Then as we talk about minimizing, this is an attempt to make the effort for results that the action appeared to be less harmful than it really may be, and did not justify it. This is when someone takes the choice and attempting to a more potential harm of pain but shifting attention away from themselves, like I said you avoid the responsibility.

5:08 Ashley Dais

Chris broke up with his girlfriend because he is unable to control his anger and then blamed her for everything that happened so it is not his fault that he had been angry, she made him get that angry. He blew up and blew it out of proportion so, what that means is -- that is the definition of what denial is then the different types of denial and the different mode that denial comes in. The step to break it in two, the awareness of denial to becoming aware that you are actually denial are fairly simple but if you choose to have certain things, this would be very difficult for some people. So the first one is discovering the nature of the problem, you have a problem and sometimes involving a denial or we don't know what it is denial, we don't know we have the problem so some of the times with the fact that there is a problem and what that problem is, is the first step and then experimenting with control. Defending yourself up then you can make to what is called irrelevant decisions or small choices that think innocent, like again if you are trying to lose weight, "well I only have one cookie, I can control it," or if you're trying to stop drinking, "I can have one drink, I can control it." You become aware that you are trying to control something that has caused you pain, harm, discomfort in your life then that's another step of becoming aware of the denial situation.

7:08 Ashley Dais

And then when you maintain a high risk lifestyle going out to eat with friends. Okay, you are trying to lose weight, but it is a reachable or a routine that you and your friends do together once a week and you all go out to eat, they all go out for pizza or nice restaurant, you're still breaking some of your, the barriers because you go trying to lose weight, but you eat now, you eat fast food, you eat unhealthy foods and there is a high risk lifestyle for what you are trying to achieve or hanging out with people who or places where drugs or alcohol with gonna a bar. Those are high-risk lifestyle, high risks things that you're still doing you have to come to terms with that and realize that a change needs to be made and then have a complacency or overconfidence in what you are doing. Denial was triggered or accompanied by a search of happiness or even entitlement. So after you lose weight you feel like you have to reward yourself and if you have a problem with overeating then this could be a trigger for you to go back into that old lifestyle or after being clean or sober for so many weeks, months and years, you feel like, I can handle one drink, or I handle one episode and I will be fine or as you're getting cold or as the night getting cold so many times in going wrong with your behavior you tend to think it is okay, oh I got this.

9:08 Ashley Dais

And those are all signs of denial because you get away with it for -- because that time, that one time you only to take, able to take one drink. You can't digress, you can't continue to do these things and that's the best part of recognizing denial. You have to think your lifestyle is getting out of control when you are complacent and when you're caught that you can do these things. Again, and that goes back to control, you think you are able control these things but you're really not. And then we're gonna go to rationalization, minimizing actions, responses and continuation of negative behaviors. When we continue these behaviors and decide about free will you know, influences or anything like that. We're doing this because we can get away with it, or we're doing this because it is really not that bad. The only rationalizations and that is another form of recognizing now when you start justifying things and then the failure is self-diagnosed. That is a big one, when you realize that you don't wanna diagnose yourself, you don't wanna say you're in denial, you don't wanna say you have a problem and somewhere in your mind, somewhere in your consciousness you know you have a problem but you refuse to admit that you have a problem and not being honest with yourself about the inability to control or the lack of desire to change destructive behaviors is definitely a sign of denial.

11:03 Ashley Dais

So you have to be careful in number one, discover what your problem is. Number two, refrain from feeling like you could be in control of everything and decide to overcome that and then maintaining out of high risk behaviors, recognizing what the high-risk behaviors are and how it's affecting your behaviors and then being complacent with what you doing, it is denial, that is outright denial. You know it's wrong, but you are comfortable, you are okay with it. Rationalizing the reasons that you are doing the behaviors and have the responses and continuing these actions is denial and then failure to self-diagnose yourself. You know have a problem but you refuse to admit that you have a problem. So there are 14 ways that I'm gonna go through that can help you confront your denial because we have to be able to confront it and worse, overcome it. So the first thing we're gonna do is we're gonna ask ourselves why are we in denial and you have to be completely and totally honest and vulnerable with yourself, so that you can be, so that the problem can become transparent. The second question you wanna ask yourself, what are the benefits of your denial? What are you gaining from being in denial? Does it give you a feeling that things are okay?

13:00 Ashley Dais

It's not as bad as you think, or does it give you a feeling of comfort? Does it hide the pain that you really feel? Does it cover things up? What benefits are you getting from denying this particular problem? And what is so painful to face? What about this problem causes pain? There are so many different reasons that we can be in denial but what particular instance or situation about this problem that causes you pain and cause you not to wanna face it? Number four, recognizing when we are cowed up in magical or fantasy thinking about our problem or loss. So being cowed up and thinking that things are either gonna magically change by you denying it or not gonna come to light by you not acknowledging it, that is what being caught up in magical offense you are thinking about the problem being. Number five, recognizing the negative consequences that result from our denial behavior. We're in denial about our drinking. We're in denial about us being overweight. We're in denial about the criminal activity that we do. We're in denial about that the way we treat our family members. We're in denial about having our anger problem. We're in denial about having psychological issues, but we continue to allow the things and the behaviors, and the actions to go on. Even though we're getting these negative consequences of the result, we don't wanna fix it. We have instead denied that there is a problem there. Not allowing ourselves to fall back into a safe emotional zone but to keep our emotional response open and honest.

15:03 Ashley Dais

Now, emotional safe zone is -- you know I talked about this before. Shutting down is not allowing yourself to feel emotions one way or another or you're blocking it out by participating in negative behaviors. So not allowing yourself to fall back into their clamps where you don't share your emotions. You have to keep it open and honest with yourself and with the people that you trust and the people that you love and this will help you face that denial because as long as you keep the bubbles up, you will never be able to face it in the appropriate way or in a positive way. Because it will eat at you and then you'll wanna -- next wanna recognize when we are hiding behind nice as when discussing in ourselves the problems. You can pretend to be happy and outgoing and having fun, I'm party girl of just be the one who always uplift everybody else but you really have a problem. You are not doing well. You have issues that are eating away inside of your stress. Whatever it may be you are hiding and being nice and you have to recognize that you're over compensating for something and that's how you will face that portion of your denial because there really is a problem there. You can't seem to mask it and think that everything is gonna be okay.

17:04 Ashley Dais

Allowing ourselves to express negative or embarrassing emotions as we confront our problems, so crying, feeling lost, confused or feeling scared. You have to allow yourself to feel these emotions and express these emotions again to people that you trust and your loved ones because holding it all in because you're embarrassed is not healthy. Being embarrassed is a form of check, you know it's holding you back. Everybody has problems, everybody has issues and you can't seem to think that your problem is worse than somebody else's is because no one is always gone by somewhere as worse often and how you get it, so be careful about feeling embarrassed or being ashamed about your issues. Again, talk to someone you trust and someone you love. They don't have to be a family member. Just make sure you get it out and being able to discuss it because it will help for you, it really will. Allowing ourselves to admit we are out of control. Man! Oh man! Oh man! There are so many things that are going in our mind, in our life, our emotions, you know where we can become overwhelmed, we can become burned out, we can get to a point when we feel like we just like to breakdown mentally. We have to stop before we get to that point and admit that we are losing control and if we don't do something with that, we're gonna be crazy, literally and we don't wanna go to that route. We don't wanna let you get that far.

19:02 Ashley Dais

So allow yourself to admit that you're out of control or you're ready to spin out of control, admitting vulnerability that kind of goes back to express a negative or embarrassing emotions as we confront our problems. Allow yourself to be vulnerable and again, I always say, to people you love, the people you trust. The people that you trust to be there for you or the people that you trust they will listen to you. Because a lot of times when we talk to people and if they don't care, they wanna give you their feelings. They wanna give what they think you should do and you really just want somebody to listen. So, that's why I stressed talking to someone that you trust and someone that you feel comfortable with even if it's not a loved one. The next one is risk in the loss of acceptance or approval by those who may be unable to handle the open and honesty admission of our problems. So, if you don't think your sister or your sibling is gonna be accepting of your drug problem or the person you're dating and the person that is abusing you. You may not want to or you may think they may turn their back on you because you got yourself involved in this so to speak, but you have the risk to be open and honest with them because you know in your heart you know you love them, but also at the same time you know you need some type of intervention. So, you have to risk this and become vulnerable with other human beings. And the next one is recognizing their -- it is human, there are problems and to experience love, it is a sign of our lack of value for work.

21:03 Ashley Dais

So, with that being said and I think I mentioned this to you a while ago, everybody is human, everybody has problems, issues, concerns, negative habits that they need to change or -- that they're in denial of and don't think it's a problem and, or don't realize that they have a problem yet until it comes to the forefront and it manifested itself as a problem and as negative behavior. So, just understand that it's okay to have problems. Maintaining our sense of perspective, allowing ourselves to go through the problems as a growth experience. I love to say that your past experiences create your future improvements. You learn from what you've experienced. You learn from your problems and your mistakes. So understanding that you grow from this is a big way of breaking through denial. Yes, I have a problem. Yes, I've tried to stop doing what I'm doing. Yes, I thought I didn't have a problem but now I'm acknowledging that I have a problem and I can learn from the mistakes that I've created through this problem so that I won't do it again. So maintaining a sense of perspective and allowing yourself to grow through the experience and lastly number 14, accepting the help of others. It is so far, few, and in between that we allow other people to help us.

23:01 Ashley Dais

We are a self-deficient world and all knowing people that in some cases and a lot of the time we don't desire help. We don't desire to have people intervene on our behalf. We don't desire to let people know what's going on in our life but you have to learn how to -- when it's appropriate to accept help. We can't always do it by ourselves because we will be laid down the wrong path if we continue to use our own judgment at all times. It's okay to learn from others because some others have been in your shoes, so be mindful and be accepting of what others have to offer. There are many different ways that we can face our denial but we have to be willing to face our denial. We have to be willing to admit that we have a problem, that's the bottom line. It doesn't matter what it is. You don't have to be -- gave a lot of example about the drug and alcohol and about weight loss but it can be anything within your life that is causing you to have problems and causing you -- and creating the cycle for you. The cycle that you allow to keep manifesting in your life to keep growing, you know rooting different problems and different aches because you never really dealt with the seed of it. You never really -- the root is the original seed so you have to come to a conclusion of what your denial is so that you can face it appropriately and timely.

25:08 Ashley Dais

So, we don't wanna let it get too out of hand, too out of control, to where you again problems has never breakdown, being overwhelmed, having no energy, becoming depressed, we don't want that. So, take time and take some inventory of yourself and get to know what your problems are, what you're hiding behind and you don't have to discuss this with anybody else. Get your own whole sheet of paper and make your own little inventory. Oh god, I am dealing with this. This has been driving me crazy for years, but you get past it each and everyday because you choose to deal with it, but it's affecting your life in some sort of ways. It's either affecting your ability to concentrate and focus, to be organized, to communicate well with others, to work well with others, to give yourself in a relationship. You could call a lot of things so take a moment and write them down and then figure out how it's actually causing issues in your life right now and then from there decide, "What are you gonna do about it? Are you going continue to let it linger and stop you from progressing and growing in your mental and emotional and social life?" Because ultimately you wanna grow, you wanna get out of this cycle of denial. You wanna break through these different barriers and mental roadblocks. You can't continue to live like that. If you do, you will always remain in the same spot. A cycle means you do this, you do this, you get this, you do this, you do this and you get the same thing.

27:07 Ashley Dais

But if you do this, you do that and you change this I think you get a different result. So, we all know the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results. So change, make a change, step out on face and go for it, be vulnerable, open yourself up and break the cycle of denial. Until next time you guys. This is Ashley with Couch Talk Life Coaching and I want you to leap up that couch into your new future breaking the cycle of denial. Goodnight!

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