FEMALE PERSONAL SAFETY EXPERT,ADVOCATE, CONSULTANT, SPEAKER, & PDR CERTIFIED INSTRUCTOR  

Show Notes

• On Demand Episodes           50864          

  Date / Time: 3/21/2009 8:41 PM UTC

  Redefining Rape

  Rape is a sexual assault in which a person penetrates a victim by force or the threat of force, against the victim's will, or when the victim is physically and/or mentally unable to give consent.
  
  It is important to realize that not every victim of rape has signs of physical abuse.  Just because her clothes are not torn, or her bones are not broken, doesn't mean that she didn't resist or that she wasn't raped.  The threat of force is, in many cases, just as intimidating as actual violence for the victim.  The rapist has used fear to get control of her.  Rape is an act of choice to commit a crime, to forcibly obtain power over another individual through the means of sexual assault.
  
  The difference between stranger rape and date/acquaintance rape is the relationship between the victim and the rapist.  The fact that she supposedly knows the rapist may make it more difficult to identify him as dangerous.  Even more, knowing him can also dilute a female's normal self-defense response to her attacker and cause her to hesitate in reporting the crime and seeking help for herself.
  
  REALITY CHECK:
  AFTER YOU SAY, "NO," IT IS RAPE.
  
  REALITY CHECK:
  ALL RAPISTS ARE SERIAL RAPIST - THEY RAPE UNTIL THEY ARE STOPPED, AVERAGING FOUR TO FIVE RAPES.  THEY RARELY GET HELP THEMSELVES, i.e., THEY DON'T STOP UNTIL THEY'RE STOPPED.
  
  REALITY CHECK:
  RAPE IS NOT JUST A MISUNDERSTANDING.  RAPE IS A CRIMINAL ACT OF CHOOSING TO OVERPOWER A FEMALE AND IMPOSE SEXUAL INTERCOURSE ON HER WITHOUT HER CONSENT OR WITHOUT HER KNOWLEDGE.
  
  
  
  
  
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• Date / Time: 3/15/2009 2:39 PM UTC

  Why Batterers Batter

  Batterers may be difficult to identify because they can be found in all social and demographic groups. They come from all walks of life, all professions, and all educational backgrounds. The vast majority of men who batter are not mentally ill. Their intent is not to inflict pain, but to cause fear and intimidation in order to gain and maintain power and control over their partners.
  
  Batters abuse their partners because they choose to do so. Outside circumstances (stress, alcohol, unemployment, the kids, the weather, drugs, etc.) do not trigger behavior or cause them to be violent. A batterer abuses to maintain power and control over his/her partner.
  
  The majority of the time - batterers don't know why they do it or they remain in denial and continue to blame the victim. Batterers do have problems but it doesn't give them the right to do what they do. There is no reason that constitutes the hurt and damage that is done in an abusive relationship. Abuse is against the law.
  
  Batterers batter and use power and control tactics because:
  *They have learned to do it.
  *It works.
  *They can.
  
  In order for batterers to stop, they will have to:
  *Learn differently.
  *Be held accountable and not get away with it.
  
  
  
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• Date / Time: 3/15/2009 2:09 PM UTC

  The Power of Fear

  The Power of Fear
  
  Where is all of the violence coming from in our world? Is it the powerful exhibiting their strength to the powerless? Is it the strong preying on the weak? Those are parts of the problem, but it’s usually someone trying to prove a point to themselves and they try to force their belief on the person being violated. The main ingredient of violence is usually the fear that is inside of the person being violent.
  
  * When a person is free of fear they don’t feel the need to prove anything to anyone.
  * When a person is free of fear they will overlook an argument because they are sure of where they stand.
  * When a person is free of fear they don’t need to restrain, harm or hinder the next person in any way at all because their strength is in their beliefs and actions.
  * When a person is free of fear they are not afraid to walk away.
  
  Does violence really make people respect someone’s power or does it just show people that a violent person has weaknesses of fear, insecurity, and ego issues? When a person is truly powerful, there is no reason to prove their power to anyone…People will recognize it.
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• Date / Time: 3/15/2009 2:07 PM UTC

  Issue of Domestic Violence

  The issue of domestic violence is all around us, but it is not always easy to recognize.
  
  We, as advocates and professionals, must not only learn to recognize it, but we must be ready to step in and take the hand of those victims who come to us for help. Saying that, however, does not mean that we will be able to save all of those who come to us in need.
  
  Many of the abused individuals we encounter will not yet be ready to break from all they have known and leave their abuser. As difficult as it may be, we must stand by these individuals, softly encouraging them, but never demanding or pushing them too hard. When they are ready to leave, they will realize that they have somebody ready to stand beside them, who will take that next step with them, who will support them if they should falter, and who will help guide them all the way to safety.
  
  Two things that I would like to address is respect for each other and individualism.
  
  It is imperative for us to join together in unison.
  
  It is imperative for all advocates and survivors to have ultimate respect for victims and victims in transition. We have no idea who is reading our posts - victims do not need to be put down or verbally chastised for making a decision in "their time". This is not how an Advocate advocates. We must encourage support, empowerment, and strength. You have no idea what she/he has gone through.
  
  This blog is a place where those come for comfort, understanding and to try to learn how to cope and yet live day to day during a healing process.
  
  Feeling stronger - feeling stronger and empowered comes in time. Healing emotionally, mentally, financially is a process and if there is physical abuse that one is healing from it takes even longer. Yes, it is imperative for us to encourage and empathize but please remember that everything is a process. The abuse didn't happen overnight nor is it going to go away overnight. IT TAKES TIME, no two healing processes are alike as well.
  
  Words can cut like a knife hence I encourage walking/typing/speaking softly. Victims, victims in transition and even Survivors who have transitioned and are Advocates do not need to be chastised or belittled. This is not positive what-so-ever.
  
  No two stories are alike. No two abuses are alike. This blog is about having the freedom to express what one is feeling and be able to come to a place where no one will judge nor condemn. There is no tolerance or time for this. Victims need us.
  
  In closing, I extend my hand in friendship and love for our supporters, family and friends and I thank each of you for sharing, apathy and most importantly the encouragement and empowerment that we give to each other.
  
  Take care and STAY SAFE!
  
  Anny
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• Date / Time: 3/15/2009 2:02 PM UTC

  Relationship Quiz: Am I In An Abusive Relationship?

  Please pass along and share with others.
  
  Relationship Quiz: Am I In An Abusive Relationship?
  Instructions:
  Enter the number of points next to each question depending on the severity of each item:
  
  Never: 0 points
  Rarely: 1 point
  Sometimes: 2 points
  Frequently: 3 points
  
  __ My partner teases me in a hurtful way in private or in public
  
  __ My partner calls me names such as "stupid" or "bitch"
  
  __ My partner acts jealous of my friends, family, or co-workers
  
  __ My partner gets angry about clothes I wear or how I style my hair
  
  __ My partner checks up on me by calling, driving by, or getting someone else to
  
  __ My partner insists on knowing who I talk to on the phone
  
  __ My partner blames me for their problems or bad mood
  
  __ My partner gets angry easily, leaving me walking on eggshells
  
  __ My partner throws or destroys things when angry
  
  __ My partner hits walls, drives dangerously or does other things to scare me
  
  __ My partner drinks excessively or uses drugs
  
  __ My partner insists that I drink or use drugs whenever they do
  
  __ My partner accuses me of being interested in someone else
  
  __ My partner reads my mail, goes thru my personal space/items (ie. purse)
  
  __ My partner keeps me from getting a job or finds ways to cause problems at my job
  
  __ My partner keeps money from me, keeps me in debt, or has "money secrets"
  
  __ My partner sold my car, made me give up my license, or won't repair my car
  
  __ My partner has threatened to hurt me
  
  __ My partner has threatened to hurt my children
  
  __ My partner has actually hurt my children
  
  __ My partner has threatened to hurt my pets
  
  __ My partner has actually hurt my pets
  
  __ My partner has threatened to hurt my friends or family
  
  __ My partner has hurt a friend or family member
  
  __ My partner has threatened to commit suicide if I leave
  
  __ My partner has struck me with hands or feet - slapped, punched, kicked
  
  __ My partner has struck me with an object or threatened me with a weapon
  
  __ My partner has given me visible injuries - bruises, welts, cuts
  
  __ I have had to administer first aid to myself due to injuries from my partner
  
  __ My injuries have been serious enough to seek treatment - doctor, hospital, clinic, paramedic
  
  __ My partner forces me to have sex when I don't want to
  
  __ My partner forces me to have sex in ways that I don't want to
  
  __ My partner has been in trouble with the police
  
  __ My partner acts one way in front of others, and another way when we are alone
  
  __ My partner is secretive or lies about past relationships
  
  __ I feel isolated and alone and have no one I can really talk to
  
  __ I have lost friends because of my partner/partner's actions
  
  __ I no longer see some of my family because of my partner
  
  __ I have thought about calling the police because of an incident of violence
  
  __ I have actually called the police on one or more occasions
  
  __ I am afraid to call the police because of threats from my partner
  
  _____ TOTAL POINTS
  
  
  
  0-17: Generally Non-abusive
  These are likely to be the sorts of strains that are not unusual in relationships. Do NOT, however, make the mistake of brushing off any incident of violence or threat of violence, no matter how isolated!
  
  18-58: Moderately Abusive
  This is a home experiencing some violence at least once in a while. It may be that this is a relationship where violence is just beginning. In a new relationship there is good reason to expect it will eventually escalate into more serious forms and may occur more frequently.
  
  59-95: Seriously Abusive
  Scores in this range indicate a seriously abusive relationship that can, under outside pressure, or with the sudden strain of a family emergency, move into the dangerously severe range. Serious injury is quite probable if it has not already occurred. Please consider getting help, even leaving.
  
  96 and up: Dangerously Abusive
  If you scored in the top range, you need to consider even more seriously the option of leaving, at least temporarily, while you consider your next move. The violence will not take care of itself or miraculously disappear. Over time the chances are very good that your life and/or the lives of your children will be in danger.
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• Date / Time: 3/15/2009 1:58 PM UTC

  Warning Signs, Red Flags, Gut Instincts, Intuition

  Warning signs or "red flags" prevail long before the push, shove, grabbing, punch, or assault unless one is simply ambushed. We have to learn and teach our family and friends how to "Detect to Avoid".
  
  I open and welcome discussion to all about Power & Control. Please feel free to share the Violence Power and Control wheel on our website, www.realisticfemaleselfdefense.com - you never know who is hurting behind closed doors (mentally, emotionally or physically) - there are many aspects of abuse.
  
  
  
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• Date / Time: 3/15/2009 1:42 PM UTC

  Domestic Violence/Assault - STOP THE VIOLENCE!

  Domestic Violence does not "see" race, gender, age, religion, degree of education, economic status - domestic violence can rear it's ugly head at any time. Yes, males are victims too!
  
  Domestic violence is the use, or the threat of the use, of violence in an intimate partner relationship to attain and maintain power and control. Domestic violence is a pattern of intentionally violent and/or controlling behavior. Domestic violence often involves the use of physical force but can also include emotional abuse, sexual abuse, economic or financial abuse, isolation and stalking.
  
  We are experiencing alarming statistics of domestic violence/assaults and these numbers only represent cases being reported! We must reach out to victims as well as educate our community (all ages, male and female) about awareness and how to be pro-active both mentally and physically.
  
  It's NOT okay to ignore this topic. It's NOT okay to experience the type of abuse mentioned above. It's NOT okay to think that the power/control will go away. It's NOT okay to allow someone to continue to be abusive.
  
  It IS okay to discuss/talk about domestic violence. Domestic violence is not a taboo subject any longer.
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