I’ve OFFICIALLY Given Up!
It’s official; I’ve finally given up all my dreams, hopes, and aspirations of ever finding love. More than that, I’ve given up all hope of finding even companionship. I’ve resigned myself to the fact that I’m going to be alone forever. I can put to rest my dreams of finding my perfect mate. I can mourn my dreams of “happily ever after” because they are an impossible state of being for me, I’m unworthy of being loved in this lifetime.
Don’t feel sorry for me; it’s liberating. For years, I’ve been holding on the to hope that I can find someone for me, someone with whom I can share my life, who compliments me, who meets my criteria emotionally, spiritually, intellectually, socially, and sexually. Now, I can relax and not have to feel frustrated and anxious about trying to meet someone, impress them, trying to get them to like me, only to have them reject me. Now that I’ve come to accept that my life will be lived in solitude, I can just not give a damn anymore.
Gone are the days when I jump through hoops, giving brothas the benefit of the doubt because they are emotionally stunted. Goodbye forever to those days of trying to make the best of a situation that is flawed from the start just so I can have companionship. Never again will I have to suffer through the pain of white men trying to convince me that we can have some sort of unequal and warped relationship based on their attraction to me and my repulsion of them. And thank God in Heaven I will never again have to look myself in the mirror and ask myself why am I not lovable.
For all the scores of people who think they can comfort me with empty clichés of, “Now that you aren’t looking, you’ll find him,” I say to you . . . KISS MY ASS. I’ve been alone for 17 years. I’ve worked on myself, I’ve looked, I’ve not looked, I’ve prayed, I’ve done everything a human being can do. I’m not meant to be in a relationship. It’s my lot in life. Accepting that has been the healthiest thing I can do. At least now, I don’t have to hold on to the pain of thinking that there is someone out there who will love me. Now I know that there isn’t and I can move on with my life. There’s not much of a life without having someone by your side, but apparently, this is my sentence for a crime I don’t even know I committed.