All Things Black & Sexual  

How many times have you heard a woman ask the question, “Where are the real brothas?”  Every brotha is a real brotha. If he’s living and breathing, he’s real.   How she is defining “real brotha” is where the problem lies.  The word real has no meaning when trying to define what is considered a good brotha.   Most Black women aren’t looking for a good Black man, they are looking for a real Black man.  There are plenty of Black men that are “real” it’s just that real doesn’t equal good. 

When a Black woman says real, she actually means where are the men that fit her definition of perfection.  Black women in this society say they want a real brotha, meaning they want a brotha who isn’t emotional, who makes a lot of money, who runs the household and makes all the decisions, and who has a super macho/manly image.  Shame on you if that’s what you think is a real brotha because you deserve all the heartache, pain, and emotional suffering that goes along with those type of beliefs.  While it is true that the instances of real good black men are so rare they can hardly register as a blip on the radar, what most black women are looking for is so opposite of a good black man that they wouldn’t know him if they he bit them on the ankle. 

Any man that doesn’t show his emotions, who is afraid to cry and be vulnerable, is going to be a lying, cheating, self-centered SOB.  We teach our boys that men don’t cry that it’s not manly to show emotions and then they grow up and they can’t take responsibility for their feelings, they can’t identify their emotions, so they suppress and stuff them down with things that make them feel better in the moment: sex, alcohol, drugs, or adrenaline.  These real brothas, the ones who are supposedly what every woman is looking for, that never show emotion, can’t commit to a relationship because they don’t know how to love, they don’t know how to be emotionally honest, all they know is to put up the façade of a one dimensional Black man.   A real black man isn’t emotional, a good Black man is in touch with his emotions. 

Women want a man who makes a lot of money.  It’s not just about how much money he makes, they want him to provide for her, give her a life of comfort where she doesn’t have to work and he pays all the bills and does so with pleasure.  Unfortunately, Black men in this society are socialized to view money as a god.  They pursue making money above developing a sense of self.   When you find that man that is all about making money, then you don’t understand why he isn’t prioritizing the relationship, you blame him for not being a real brotha.  He is very real.  You can’t ask for a brotha who is focused on making money and then expect him to hand it over to you like it means nothing.  When you find that brotha who is focused on making money, he’s going to be materialistic, he’s going to be selfish, and he’s not going to want to part with money because he’s put money above relationships.  Instead of identifying brothas who are good brothas, brothas who are well rounded, intellectually, artistically, spiritually, socially, they want men who are focused on money and then complain that there are no real brothas around.  A real brotha is all about making money, a good brotha believes that the foundation of a healthy relationship will assist him in providing for his family. 

Women cry that they want a real brotha, one who will head the household and make all the decisions.  When they find him, he doesn’t see her as an equal, he has irrational demands that have to be met to appease his inflated ego because he doesn’t see women as being a partner in the relationship, and he sees them as possessions.  Women cry that there are no real brothas out there when they get that man who thinks that women have to cater to his every whim and not give anything in return and then never think to look at what attributes they were attributing to a real brotha.  A real brotha wants to be the king of his castle, a good brotha wants to form a partnership with his mate in which they build a family as couple, contributing their strengths and supplementing each other’s weaknesses. 

Women want a real brotha, meaning they want a man who has a big dick, who oozes confidence, who will defend a woman’s honor by beating up any man that disrespects her and who can go all night in bed.  When you find that man, the one who identifies his manhood with the size of his dick, you have a man who can’t be a good partner in a relationship because too much of his identity is caught up in sexing as man women as possible.  Men who are willing to fight for their women, who are physically aggressive, are going to be physically aggressive with women.  The second he puts his hands on you, you cry, “there are no real brothas out here.”  He’s real.  He’s really a manifestation of a community that has raised emotionally immature black men to believe that manhood is something found on the street corner.  A real brotha thinks his manhood is in his pants, a good brotha sees intimacy with his partner as a special connection. 

A GOOD Black man is one who is honest even when he recognizes the consequences of his actions might be detrimental to him.

A GOOD Black man is one who understands that he has to develop all aspects of his personality in order to be a whole human being.

A GOOD Black man is one who acknowledges that woman are equal and necessary partners in a relationship and that their needs, wants, and desires deserve equal consideration. 

A GOOD Black man is one who isn’t afraid to admit his fears and shortcomings and who is willing to push past the pain in order to heal. 

I doubt most Black women are looking for a good brotha, they are looking for a real brotha.  Seek and ye shall find.