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Miss Lafalot
11/20/2008 2:45 AM UTC
Thanks for listening, Robert! Take care! Miss L
ccdesignzva
8/27/2008 11:32 AM UTC
Oh, but first I MUST see you at Caroline's Comedy Club on Sept. 9th at 7pm!! That will give me a preview of what's to come!
8/27/2008 11:31 AM UTC
Can't wait to hear what you have to say! I've set a "reminder" for myself, but this may be past my bedtime! I may have to listen to the recorded version. Knock 'em dead!
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The World According to Robert Insane stories about my insane life. I was a touring musician for 20 years and then entered the world of TV. I won an Emmy for my work on Carmen Sandiego. I wrote music for a lot of popular TV shows. Pete and Pete was one of them. I am starting my presidential bid for 2012. On my show I talk about everyday situations approached in a totally different way. I don't need no filthy celebs I have really messed up friends. Very funny but can be poignant at times. Mostly just messed up. I'm one signature away from being committed. Music,comedy and me. Who could ask for anything more.
Robert A
Date / Time: 9/20/2008 3:00 AM UTC
Category: Comedy
Last week I had major computer problems and couldn't get to my other guests. guess what. Problems fixed. So!! I'll talk about funeral's I have gone to and discuss how I cheated death many times over. Lucy my undertaker friend will talk about, I guess undertaking. My buddy Randy will tell us how most bodies are found. Also we will talk to my daughter about what she expects to get after I die, the Kale Queen will discuss how I can extend my life and my son will call in to discuss VT as a hole. We will also talk about my funeral and how kick ass it's gonna be.
Date / Time: 8/26/2008 11:10 PM UTC
LIVING WITH MY COUSIN SAL MANILLA
AS YOU GET OLDER THE IMPORTANCE OF A GOOD BOWEL MOVEMENT IS
THE NUMBER ONE CONCERN IN MOST ADULTS LIVES. SEX IS GREAT BUT A
GOOD BM BRIGHTENS UP THE WHOLE DAY
As a kid in Brooklyn we grew up always hearing our parents saying that
there are starving children somewhere in the world so we had to eat
everything on our plates. That would have been fine if there was something
edible on my plate to eat. I hated the way my Mom cooked. Now mind you
she wasn’t just a bad cook but she could cook the taste out of anything. Later
on in life I was astounded to find that food actually had taste. My big thing is
consistency. Everything my Mom made you could eat without teeth. I
remember how the menu went and it was pretty much the same every week for
15 years of my life. The only thing that changed was the type of vegetable.
Substitute cauliflower for lentils or squash. Didn’t matter to me I was not
chewing that crap. Minimal amount of time in my mouth. Spoon to throat never
touching the tongue.
Monday was macaroni and cauliflower, Tuesday was macaroni and
broccoli, Wednesday was macaroni and peas (my nemesis), Thursday was
macaroni and tomato sauce (we called it macaroni and gravy), Friday was
macaroni and any fish she could find, Saturday was steak and Sunday was
macaroni and gravy. The only days I chewed my food was Thursday, Saturday
and Sunday. The rest of the days I swallowed the rigatoni, gnocchi and
vegetables whole. I love her dearly but Jeez I could swallow a Thunderbird by
the time I turned 10. I could have been a very popular girl. As a kid I had a
very disruptive digestive system. I friggin wonder why.
Well I did start to wonder about the many times I had to run into the
bathroom from playing outside with exploding diarrhea. I know everyone at
one time or another has had that feeling of “Oh my God somethings not right.”
I thought it was just the normal growing up experience. Like the pains I used to
get in my joints. Growing pains. Yeah.
I had always thought about how I swallowed everything whole but that
didn’t really fit together. So I sat down with my Mom, she still is talking to me
after our shaving conversation, and we discussed my temperamental anal
expulsions and she told me something I totally forgot about. Freakin turtles. I
always had turtles when I was growing up. Those cute little green turtles. I must
have had 20 of them. Actually they all were called Chipper after the middle
son in My Three Sons but that’s irrelevant. It’s my ass we’re talking about.
So here I was with these cute little green turtles and I would hold them and
play with them and then go have a fluff-n-nutter sandwich. Hmmm. Those little
bastards gave me salmonella. I had blamed my Mom all these years for being
a terrible cook, which she still is, and all the time it was my little friends giving
me an explosive chocolate starfish. Let me tell you I scoff at e-coli now. Food
poisoning means nothing to me. Bring it on. I had so many bouts of salmonella
that I’m impervious to any bacteria.
I’m ordering a BLT with extra tomato’s. Ha
Date / Time: 8/26/2008 11:05 PM UTC
MY FUNERAL I CAN’T WAIT
I really can’t get over that as a society we still have these things called wakes.
My father had one and everyone would say he looked so peaceful.
How was he supposed to look. Annoyed? That would be novel.
So what do a mic and a casket have in common?
Robert’s Dead
OK so I had to go to two funerals this week. Had is a bad word. I wanted to
go. Two of my best friends lost loved ones. A friends Mom passed away and so
did another friends Dad. I really love both these men, purely plutonic love not
prison love, and hate to see them go thru this stuff. But we all have gone thru it or
will at some time go thru it. Now it struck me how when you die you really kind of
figure out how well your liked and respected in the world you walked when you
were alive.
The more people who come to see you off, I guess the better liked you are.
The key is to see how many people spit on your coffin. If the guy at the funeral
parlor has to come out every fifteen minutes to wipe stuff up thereʼs a good
chance you werenʼt on everyones Facebook.
Both funerals had masses in churches. Iʼm thinking, I personally need
something different. My Dad had the typical Italian funeral. Two days in a funeral
home so you can look at a body that has been pumped up with some sort of
spray foam insulation.
How about celebrity funerals. The dead person could be dressed as the joker
and the whole place decked out in Batman stuff. Or celebrity masks for the dearly
deceased.
I hated seeing my Dad with that frozen look on his face. I also love how they
sometimes put little smiles on the faces of your loved one. My uncle never smiled
and it was horrible seeing that frozen face of glee. I want a Sadomasochism ball
gag in my mouth. Something interesting. How about duct tape so it looks like Iʼve
been kidnapped? Iʼve been to funerals where the person in the casket looks like
Betty Davis in What Ever Happened to Baby Jane. The person was a guy. How
could they let them do that. Put a friggin ing bag over my head and bury me upside
down with my ass sticking out so my gay friends can grab a cold one on the way
home. Sorry couldnʼt help myself. I heard that joke years ago and thought it was
funny. But thatʼs me.
I had briefly played with the idea of a Robert Pinata. You could throw a noose
over a tree and hang me by the neck. Then I remembered having a pinata for my
daughter and she filled it with ketchup and mustard. I think thatʼs what it would
look like. Not to pretty.
So my second thought was having a stick of dynamite stuck up my ass and
being blown up somewhere where the birds and animals could all have a sample.
I can see it now. “Look what I brought home for dinner honey. Wow my
favorite. Old Sicilian.”
If I canʼt be blown up, I understand there could be legal issues, I want to be
laid out in either a comedy club or a bar. I have it all figured out. I mean 80
people came to see me play at a gig so I think I could pack a place if I die. Thatʼs
usually the prerequisite to booking a gig. Can you pack the place? Robʼs
Farewell Gig.
Iʼll get all the people who love me to come, which are many, and the people
who donʼt. See who spits? Iʼll also get the people who think Iʼm playing some joke
so theyʼll come and poke the body to see if Iʼm really dead. Weʼll have little sticks
that they can use. Maybe youʼll have to buy tickets and get stamped at the door.
There will be back casket passes for the VIPʼs. Iʼll also have a band setup and
open mic. People could tell jokes and sing if they want.
There will also some sort of hard disk recorder. It will hold tons of recordings of
me. There will be 50 buttons and each button will have a name. You find your
name, hit the button and I say something to you. It will be my personal farewell
greeting to friends and enemies alike. Are you brave enough?
And then for a small fee you can sign up for one year of emails from me after I
die. Theyʼll come at all random times. Itʼll be like Iʼm not really gone.
Lucky you.
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