Those Darn Guys Who Happen to be Therapists  

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• Archived Blog Post

  Date / Time: 6/1/2009 6:36 PM UTC

  Money and Relationships
  

  What Does Money Mean in Your Relationship?

  
  

  Money may not be the root of all evil, but it is certainly the cause of considerable conflict between partners.  Much of the problem can be traced to the fact that money has many different meanings.  When different view of money collide within a relationship, conflicts — often serious ones — erupt.  

  This article catalogs different views of money.  The next article explores and suggests remedies for the problems that arise when partners differ about money.

  •  Money is abundance.  This attitude regards the possession and use of money as an expression of life’s bounty and as a legitimate means of pursuing comfort, enjoyment and personal fulfillment.  Generosity — giving presents, helping others, supporting favored causes — is an expression of money as abundance.

  • Those who see money as abundance usually focus on its enjoyment in the present.  The person who holds the abundance view tends to have conflicts with a partner who believes that, primarily, money is security.  Security looks ahead and emphasizes saving money (taking pleasure in its possession) while spending for such future-oriented pursuits as insurance, retirement and paying off the mortgage.

  • Somewhat related to security is the view that money is responsibility.  Money is for taking care of obligations first and foremost — paying off the credit card, eliminating bills, saving for a child’s college education.  Satisfaction comes from acting responsibly and for the sense of security that results from not falling behind (or, even better, getting ahead of the game).

  • Money is power.  When you see money as power and you have it, you get to control where the money goes.  You get, also, to enhance your power by bestowing your largesse on those whom you find deserving and withholding it from the undeserving, as you see fit.  You also get to find others’ spending frivolous, while regarding your own as fully justified.  

  • Money is punishment.  This view is held by those who have money.  It is an extension of regarding money as power.  A familiar expression is to treat oneself to an expensive present or to run amuck with the credit cards at the mall as a way of repaying one’s partner for neglect, hostility or indifference.

  • Money is insufficiency.  According to this attitude, no matter how much money one has, it is never enough.  Money is used to buy things, in an unsuccessful effort to fill some inner chasm of emptiness or inadequacy.  But, because the problem is spiritual or psychological, not material, “shop until you drop” never helps.  And money is always not-enough.  This attitude contrasts sharply with the view that money is abundance.

  • Money is independence.  It is what allows you to take command of your own life, to leave persons and situations that are not good for you, when, without money, you would have to stay.  Many working wives who experienced money-as-power from life with father or a former dictatorial husband regard having their own money as their best guarantee of equality in the relationship.  For them, having no money is dangerous dependence.

  • Money is superiority.  With this attitude, money — and the privileges and possessions that money provides — allow you to regard yourself as better than those who have less than you.  As the gap between the moneyed and the money-less in this country widens, the money-as-superiority view is heard more and more from the powerful.  

  The new Congress offers plentiful examples of a related view, that money is virtue and morality.   Conversely, to be poor — i.e., without money — is to be morally deficient.  The poor are regarded as occupying their unhappy station in life because they lack character and ambition.  They are morally, as well as financially, poor people.  That this attitude is more than a little self-serving is generally lost on those who hold it.  

  • At the end of this short list of the strikingly different meanings that people give to money is the view that money is reward.  According to this attitude, spending money on oneself is seen as recompense for how hard one has worked or how much one has put up with, e.g., from an unpleasant spouse.  People who see money as reward are sometimes secretive about their view.

  Copyright © Dr. David Sanford/Promising Partnerships, Inc. All rights reserved. For additional articles, see marriagesupport.com.
  
  
  

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  Why So Much Couple Conflict About Money?

  
  

  In many marriages, even to bring up the subject of money is to invite an argument.  Why so much conflict over money?  The answer has to do with the fact that, in addition to being tangible, countable stuff, money is also meaning - not one meaning but many, often conflicting, meanings.  Trouble for the relationship is bound to result, when partners fail to explore together their differing views of money and how they clash.

  For example, money for one person is abundance and enjoyment, an expression of life's bounty.  For another, its scarcity (there's never enough).  Money for some people is security.  For others it's power, or independence or superiority.

  Some of the most intense, intractable conflicts that snarl couple relationships involve money.  For example, in their marriage, Warren controls the money, seeing it, primarily, as security against an uncertain future.  Abbey, on the other hand, views money as a means of bringing beauty and enjoyment to their present lives.  She resents Warren's control and believes that, for him, money is not security at all but power.  

  Our attitudes toward money are often rooted in childhood experience.  The more traumatic the experience, the more tenaciously we hang on to our opinions and resist others' efforts to bring us to a different view.  

  Margery grew up with an irresponsible father, who squandered his earnings, and eventually left Margery's mother with three children and no money.  Margery worked from an early age to help support the family.  Now Margery is fiercely protective of the money that she earns.  She spends little and refuses to blend her savings with her husband, Bob's, while frustrating his efforts to live in the more abundant style that their combined income could allow.

  The best way to avoid couple conflicts about money is, first, to understand the primary meaning(s) you each give to money, second, to explore how and when those meanings collide and the problems that result and, third, to enhance the areas of compatibility between your different views.

  You could start by considering the role that money played in your childhood.  When you lived at home, was there enough money or not enough?  Was money to repay debts from the past, to enjoy in the present, or to save for the future?  What was said about money by your parents?  What permissions or admonitions were communicated to you about having or spending money?  

  Did your parents fight or cooperate about money?  Who earned the money, and who decided how it would be spent?  Did your parents pool their money or keep it separate?  Finally, to what extend were your present attitudes toward money shaped by experiences in your childhood family?

  To explore what money currently means to you, try the following exercise:  On a sheet of paper, write as many sentences as you can, each beginning with "Money is..."  Samples - Money is a headache.  Money is a way to make money.  Money is freedom.  When you're done, circle those that have particular significance for you.  Then ask yourself, do my actions support what I say money means to me?

  The next step is to compare notes - first, how each of you views money (what you say); second, how each of you uses money (what you do); third, how your behavior affects each other; and, fourth, the relationship problems that result, if any.  

  Consider Abbey and Warren again.  The fact that Warren earns and controls 

  all the money makes Abbey feel devalued.  (For many, if not most, people, money confers stature.  Not to have money when your partner does is, thus, to lack stature.)  

  She responds by investing herself excessively in the children's lives, finding stature as a mother and, in the process, neglecting her relationship with Warren.  He feels pushed to the periphery of the family - the money man, nothing else.  Feeling devalued himself, he turns even more resolutely to what he is good for - making money.  The distance between Warren and Abbey widens.

  If partners, like Abbey and Warren, are able to see how their attitudes and behavior about money affect the relationship, they can make changes - to minimize conflict and resentment and to maximize their ability to deal with this important part of any relationship more effectively.

  Copyright © Dr. David Sanford/Promising Partnerships, Inc. All rights reserved. For additional articles, see marriagesupport.com.Why So Much Couple Conflict About Money?

  
  
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