A MINUTE ON THE MIND
4/27/2009
Anger and relationships
Anger is one of the seven basic emotions evident across all cultures. Anger is often displayed with the aim of altering the behavior of the person to whom the anger is addressed. Most of us perceive someone who is angry at us as a threat and that prompts us to respond… hopefully in some adaptive way. When we are exposed to someone who is angry, a wide set of regions in the brain including the anterior temporal lobe, the pre-motor cortex, and the pre-frontal cortex are activated. What this implies is that the threat of anger causes us to look for contextual information to evaluate the anger and make behavioral adjustments. We also have a type of neuron called mirror neurons. These neurons mirror or resonate with the emotional state of others. Thus, when someone else is angry, we are likely to be angry also. So, what we then have is a primitive anger/anger situation. That’s generally not a win/win situation! What we really need is a more evolved response. One way to get that is to remember that “anger always has a buddy”. Typically, the threats we experience are not life-threatening. We experience embarrassment, frustration, sadness, disappointment, and loss. If we can dampen our anger response and talk about anger's buddy, we have a much greater chance of having a productive and relationship building conversation. When we talk about our loss or sadness or disappointment it leads the other person’s mirror neurons to resonate with ours and to create an empathic emotional state. That is the point from which a productive discussion can occur.
Mark G. Kiefner, Ph.D.
Clinical Neuropsychologist
Clinical Director