BLOG POSTS FROM DR. DAVID SANFORD

by Darn Guys

- Mon, Mar 30 2009

Below are more thoughts from Couples Therapist extraordinaire and Darn Guys colleague Dr. David Sanford. We plan to have communiques from Dr. Dave posted here on a regular basis. Check back often and join us on the radio show to discuss these ideas further. Check out Dr. Sanford's website at marriagesupport.com

Elements of Good Listening

Really listening ought to be simple and easy. After all, what can it take? A set of ears that work and keeping your eyes open to show you’re awake. Nothing to it. Unfortunately, such is not the case, as any partner who’s been told, “You never listen to me!” knows. Listening well is, in reality, a complex skill.
• The relatively easy (but still valuable) part of really listening is to behave like you’re listening. Look and act attentive — that’s all. Don’t do anything else at the same time. Don’t do the dishes. Don’t sneak a peak at the newspaper. Face your partner. Make eye contact.
Also, nod, smile, make friendly or sympathetic noises, offer encouragement and otherwise act in a manner that communicates — “I am listening, I am following, I am with you, I care about what you’re saying.” So what if you’re not listening deeply. You’re listening with attention, which is a very good beginning. And, by the way: Don’t be surprised if, in acting as if you’re listening, you find soon that you really are listening.
• Really listening to your partner means being open and receptive to what that person has to say. Few of us can listen in that sense and, at the same time, formulate our position, prepare to rebut our partner and wait impatiently for our turn. You are either there for the other person (really listening) or you’re involved with yourself and pretending to listen.
To really listen you must make yourself fully available. You must empty yourself of anything that would distract you from attending to what the other person has to say. No contrary thoughts of your own, no itch to get your own point across — just listening.
• When your partner says, “You’re not listening!” she probably means, “You’re not considering what I have to say.” For most people, really listening doesn’t mean agreeing. It means keeping company with what is being communicated.
“I want you to listen” means “I want you to consider what I am saying. And I want you to show that you are considering it by asking me some questions about it, commenting about it and acknowledging the value — big or little — in it . Don’t respond instantly with your thought, as if you’ve only been waiting for me to finish. Keep company with what I’ve said first.”
A suggestion: Before you respond to your partner, ask two questions about what that person has said, and relate to the answers. Then give your opinion.
• Really listening is listening for meaning. It is listening to understand.
The process of communication would go much more smoothly if we knew exactly what we wanted to say and could express it clearly. Unfortunately, many of us come up short on both counts: We don’t know exactly what we want to say. So of course we can’t say it clearly. We discover our meaning, if at all, in the process of listening to ourselves talk.
A sympathetic somebody really listening can help us find our meaning — and communicate it. On the other hand, an unsympathetic somebody listening badly can get us so fouled up that we never discover our meaning and end up worse off than if we’d just kept our mouth shut.
To listen for meaning when the other person’s meaning is not clear requires listening with an empathic and inquiring mind. You are engaged in a form of detective work, looking for clues — e.g., in body language, in a vivid image or a suddenly passionate statement — that can lead you to your partner’s real concern and meaning.
As you sense your way from clue to clue, you ask questions. (“Is it this? Is it that?”) Hopefully, you help your partner find what “it” is. But even if you don’t succeed, you have listened: You have worked at understanding, and that is the caring and most important part of really listening.
• People don’t always mean the same thing when they say, “I want you to really listen.” Therefore, you would be wise to ask your partner, “What would I be doing if I were really listening to you?” Or, “How could you tell from my behavior that I was really listening?”
The answer may well be something quite different from what you’d call really listening. No matter. Follow what you’ve been told. If you do so with caring, your partner will feel listened to. And your relationship will certainly benefit.

Four Useful Communication Tips

Do you know the frustration of wanting to communicate effectively and failing? You have something important to share, but your efforts are misunderstood or cause more problems than if you'd kept silent and endured your resentment. Here are four tips that, if followed, will help you get understood the way you want to be.
Tip #1. When you are asking, don’t criticize. Gretchen has two concerns. She is unhappy with her husband, Bradley’s habit of withdrawing into TV every night after dinner, and she wants him to visit with her instead.
In order to communicate effectively, Gretchen must decide which to emphasize - her complaint (about what she doesn't like) or her request (for what she'd like instead).
If she opts for complaining about Bradley’s TV watching, Bradley will defend himself against her complaint and, probably, will not even hear her request. However, if Gretchen really wants change, she should avoid mixing criticism and requests in the same conversation. Instead, she should ask for what she wants — “Would you be willing to talk after dinner with the TV off?” — and hold back on the complaint.
Tip #2. When you are finished, don’t continue. Owen and Corinne have specialized functions when they communicate: He talks, and she listens. Owen privately wishes that conversation would be two-way. However, Corinne feels, just as privately, that Owen only wants to talk and that she will be quite likely be criticized no matter what she says. So she keeps silent.
Not getting a response, Owen continues to talk, even though he has already adequately made his point. He takes Corinne's silence to mean that she hasn't understood him yet. Maybe more words will help. Corinne understands Owen fine. Not a failure to understand, but her sense that response is futile keeps her silent.
Clearly these two need to share the previously unspoken assumptions that drive their behavior during these one-sided communications. If Corinne will let Owen know that he is understood, then state her opinion and if Owen will address Corinne's fear of having her opinion rejected, this couple can then have the real conversation that they both want.
Tip #3. When you are listening, don't dominate. Listening, an active but essentially receptive activity, is particularly challenging for those whose communication style is strongly assertive. They are accustomed to delivering information, rather than receiving it and are primarily motivated by a desire to make themselves understood, rather than by an interest in hearing and understanding what the other person has to say.
If you are the more active communicator in the relationship, watch out for a tendency to offer advice automatically, even though your partner hasn't asked for any, to finish your partner's sentences when your partner falters or slows, to evaluate what that person says when he or she pauses and otherwise to jump right in at every opportunity.
Good listening is a demanding, dynamic activity, but it takes place inwardly by and large — most of the work goes on inside the listener. On the outside, the successful listener is like the setting in a diamond ring — important in its supportive function, but unobtrusive.
Tip #4. When you don't feel heard, don’t speak louder. Marshall feels that his wife, Tawny isn't getting his point. So he repeats it, loudly enough for her to feel intimidated. Her sense of apprehension rising, Tawny increases her volume, too. Now, in order to assert his point above her voice, Marshall bellows. Diane reciprocates. Soon, without either originally intending it, they are bellowing at each other. Any chance that Marshall will get the sympathetic hearing that he had originally sought is now completely lost.
Marshall would have succeeded better had he abandoned volume and spoken softly. Imagine him bending forward so that their eyes meet, touching her gently on the knee and saying in a soft voice, “Tawny, this is really important to me. Are you willing to listen?” The contrast between his intentness and the softness of his delivery would, in itself, have guaranteed a hearing.
In communication, sometimes the winning approach is the opposite of what comes naturally.
Do you know the frustration of wanting to communicate effectively and failing? You have something important to share, but your efforts are misunderstood or cause more problems than if you'd kept silent and endured your resentment. Here are four tips that, if followed, will help you get understood the way you want to be.
Tip #1. When you are asking, don’t criticize. Gretchen has two concerns. She is unhappy with her husband, Bradley’s habit of withdrawing into TV every night after dinner, and she wants him to visit with her instead.
In order to communicate effectively, Gretchen must decide which to emphasize - her complaint (about what she doesn't like) or her request (for what she'd like instead).
If she opts for complaining about Bradley’s TV watching, Bradley will defend himself against her complaint and, probably, will not even hear her request. However, if Gretchen really wants change, she should avoid mixing criticism and requests in the same conversation. Instead, she should ask for what she wants — “Would you be willing to talk after dinner with the TV off?” — and hold back on the complaint.
Tip #2. When you are finished, don’t continue. Owen and Corinne have specialized functions when they communicate: He talks, and she listens. Owen privately wishes that conversation would be two-way. However, Corinne feels, just as privately, that Owen only wants to talk and that she will be quite likely be criticized no matter what she says. So she keeps silent.
Not getting a response, Owen continues to talk, even though he has already adequately made his point. He takes Corinne's silence to mean that she hasn't understood him yet. Maybe more words will help. Corinne understands Owen fine. Not a failure to understand, but her sense that response is futile keeps her silent.
Clearly these two need to share the previously unspoken assumptions that drive their behavior during these one-sided communications. If Corinne will let Owen know that he is understood, then state her opinion and if Owen will address Corinne's fear of having her opinion rejected, this couple can then have the real conversation that they both want.
Tip #3. When you are listening, don't dominate. Listening, an active but essentially receptive activity, is particularly challenging for those whose communication style is strongly assertive. They are accustomed to delivering information, rather than receiving it and are primarily motivated by a desire to make themselves understood, rather than by an interest in hearing and understanding what the other person has to say.
If you are the more active communicator in the relationship, watch out for a tendency to offer advice automatically, even though your partner hasn't asked for any, to finish your partner's sentences when your partner falters or slows, to evaluate what that person says when he or she pauses and otherwise to jump right in at every opportunity.
Good listening is a demanding, dynamic activity, but it takes place inwardly by and large — most of the work goes on inside the listener. On the outside, the successful listener is like the setting in a diamond ring — important in its supportive function, but unobtrusive.
Tip #4. When you don't feel heard, don’t speak louder. Marshall feels that his wife, Tawny isn't getting his point. So he repeats it, loudly enough for her to feel intimidated. Her sense of apprehension rising, Tawny increases her volume, too. Now, in order to assert his point above her voice, Marshall bellows. Diane reciprocates. Soon, without either originally intending it, they are bellowing at each other. Any chance that Marshall will get the sympathetic hearing that he had originally sought is now completely lost.
Marshall would have succeeded better had he abandoned volume and spoken softly. Imagine him bending forward so that their eyes meet, touching her gently on the knee and saying in a soft voice, “Tawny, this is really important to me. Are you willing to listen?” The contrast between his intentness and the softness of his delivery would, in itself, have guaranteed a hearing.
In communication, sometimes the winning approach is the opposite of what comes naturally.
Copyright © 2009 Dr. David Sanford/Promising Partnerships, Inc. All rights reserved. From the relationship collection at marriagesupport.com.

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