Below are some thoughts from Couples Therapist extraordinaire and Darn Guys colleague Dr. David Sanford. We plan to have communiques from Dr. Dave posted here on a regular basis. Check back often and join us on the radio show to discuss these ideas further. Check out Dr. Sanford's website at marriagesupport.com Cooperative and Competitive Conversations Don't Mix Well Cooperative conversations are quite different from competitive ones. Many people - men probably more than women - don't get this distinction. In a cooperative conversation partners set out to accomplish something together - explore a topic together, solve a problem together, plan something together. “Together” is the focal word here. In addition to achieving something, the intent in a cooperative conversation is to experience being together. A cooperative conversation is a “we” experience. A competitive conversation is an “I” experience - more exactly an “I vs you” experience, in which the aim is to win, to prove oneself smarter, faster, more logical or possessed of a better memory than the other person. In our society, male conversation tends to be more competitive and female conversation more cooperative. Unhappiness is when he and she set out to talk together and succeed only in frustrating each other. She wants the back and forth pleasure of being together and he sees it as a who-is-right conversation. In our competitive world, there are lots more “I” conversations than “we” ones. So here are a couple of suggestions for developing “we talk:” * Rule: You can't present your opinion unless you have asked your partner at least two searching questions about what s/he has just said. * Rule: Each subsequent statement after the first one must begin with “yes and…,” thus insuring that every statement builds upon the one that came before it. Make the Relationship Safe for Vulnerability — Yours and Your Partner's “How much of myself can I bring to this relationship?” “How much can I trust my partner to accept me as I really am?” Many people in relationship ask these questions. Unfortunately, the common answer is — not too much. In many marriages and couple relationships, it isn’t safe to show that you are afraid, confused, discouraged, lonely or weak. It isn’t safe to let your partner know that you have moments of feeling overwhelmed or that you doubt your ability or, in fact, your worth. People in such relationships put a lot of energy into not being vulnerable. Instead of being open, they are circumspect and careful about what they share. Needless to say, when people lack the trust to show vulnerability, the relationship suffers; it becomes less warm, less spontaneous — and less real than it otherwise would be. In your relationship, how safe is it for you and your partner to show vulnerability? If you want to make it safe for you and your partner to be more real and more spontaneous with each other, here are some steps that you can take: * Acknowledge your own areas of vulnerability — to yourself. Hopefully, being fully acquainted with your own vulnerability will make you more accepting of your partner’s. * Go first; set an example of openness. Experiment with being less defended yourself. For example, apologize when you are wrong. Be more ready to acknowledge when your partner has a better idea than you have. * Be alert for undefended moments when your partner risks dropping his/her guard with you. Treat such moments with warmth and gentleness, and they will likely increase. (Treat them harshly, and you may wait a long time for your partner to be open with you again.) * The more you acknowledge your own sensitivity to being hurt, the more alert you will be to the possibility of hurting your partner. When you do, be ready to apologize. Small steps such as these will make it more safe for both you and your partner to be yourselves in the relationship.