Those Darn Guys Who Happen to be Therapists  

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• Upcoming Episodes

  Episode 44 - TBA

  Darn Guys

  Date / Time: 12/14/2009 3:00 PM UTC

  Category: Psychology

  Call-in Number: (347) 677-1667

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  Psychologist Dr. Jim Weaver, Psychotherapist Hughes Kraft and Couples Therapist Dr. David Sanford talk about important topics in the area of psychology and personal growth and achievement. Join us with your questions and comments on this weeks topic. Plus our regular feature “A Minute on the Mind” where Dr. Mark Kiefner, Clinical Director of Bayside Neurorehabilitation Services, brings us some of the latest and most interesting in brain research on the topic(s) of the day.

  Upcoming Episodes

  12/21/2009 3:00 PM UTC - Episode 45 - TBA

• On Demand Episodes           29365          

  Date / Time: 3/30/2009 3:06 PM UTC

  BLOG POSTS FROM DR. DAVID SANFORD

  Below are more thoughts from Couples Therapist extraordinaire and Darn Guys colleague Dr. David Sanford. We plan to have communiques from  Dr. Dave posted here on a regular basis. Check back often and join us on the radio show to discuss these ideas further. Check out Dr. Sanford's website at marriagesupport.com
  
  
  

  Elements of Good Listening
  
  

  Really listening ought to be simple and easy.  After all, what can it take?  A set of ears that work and keeping your eyes open to show you’re awake.  Nothing to it.  Unfortunately, such is not the case, as any partner who’s been told, “You never listen to me!” knows.  Listening well is, in reality, a complex skill.
  • The relatively easy (but still valuable) part of really listening is to behave like you’re listening.  Look and act attentive — that’s all.  Don’t do anything else at the same time.   Don’t do the dishes.  Don’t sneak a peak at the newspaper.  Face your partner.  Make eye contact. 
  Also, nod, smile, make friendly or sympathetic noises, offer encouragement and otherwise act in a manner that communicates — “I am listening, I am following, I am with you, I care about what you’re saying.”  So what if you’re not listening deeply.  You’re listening with attention, which is a very good beginning.  And, by the way:  Don’t be surprised if, in acting as if you’re listening, you find soon that you really are listening.
  • Really listening to your partner means being open and receptive to what that person has to say.  Few of us can listen in that sense and, at the same time, formulate our position, prepare to rebut our partner and wait impatiently for our turn.  You are either there for the other person (really listening) or you’re involved with yourself and pretending to listen.
  To really listen you must make yourself fully available.  You must empty yourself of anything that would distract you from attending to what the other person has to say.  No contrary thoughts of your own, no itch to get your own point across — just listening.
  • When your partner says, “You’re not listening!” she probably means, “You’re not considering what I have to say.”  For most people, really listening doesn’t mean agreeing.  It means keeping company with what is being communicated. 
  “I want you to listen” means “I want you to consider what I am saying.  And I want you to show that you are considering it by asking me some questions about it, commenting about it and acknowledging the value — big or little — in it .  Don’t respond instantly with your thought, as if you’ve only been waiting for me to finish.  Keep company with what I’ve said first.”
  A suggestion:  Before you respond to your partner, ask two questions about what that person has said, and relate to the answers.  Then give your opinion.
  • Really listening is listening for meaning.  It is listening to understand. 
  The process of communication would go much more smoothly if we knew exactly what we wanted to say and could express it clearly.  Unfortunately, many of us come up short on both counts:  We don’t know exactly what we want to say.   So of course we can’t say it clearly.  We discover our meaning, if at all, in the process of listening to ourselves talk. 
  A sympathetic somebody really listening can help us find our meaning — and communicate it.  On the other hand, an unsympathetic somebody listening badly can get us so fouled up that we never discover our meaning and end up worse off than if we’d just kept our mouth shut. 
  To listen for meaning when the other person’s meaning is not clear requires listening with an empathic and inquiring mind.  You are engaged in a form of detective work, looking for clues — e.g., in body language, in a vivid image or a suddenly passionate statement —  that can lead you to your partner’s real concern and meaning. 
  As you sense your way from clue to clue, you ask questions.  (“Is it this?  Is it that?”)  Hopefully, you help your partner find what “it” is.  But even if you don’t succeed, you have listened:  You have worked at understanding, and that is the caring and most important part of really listening.
  • People don’t always mean the same thing when they say, “I want you to really listen.”  Therefore, you would be wise to ask your partner, “What would I be doing if I were really listening to you?”  Or, “How could you tell from my behavior that I was really listening?” 
  The answer may well be something quite different from what you’d call really listening.  No matter.  Follow what you’ve been told.  If you do so with caring, your partner will feel listened to.  And your relationship will certainly benefit.
  
  
  

  Four Useful Communication Tips
  

  
  Do you know the frustration of wanting to communicate effectively and failing? You have something important to share, but your efforts are misunderstood or cause more problems than if you'd kept silent and endured your resentment. Here are four tips that, if followed, will help you get understood the way you want to be.
  Tip #1. When you are asking, don’t criticize.  Gretchen has two concerns.  She is unhappy with her husband, Bradley’s habit of withdrawing into TV every night after dinner, and she wants him to visit with her instead. 
  In order to communicate effectively, Gretchen must decide which to emphasize - her complaint (about what she doesn't like) or her request (for what she'd like instead). 
  If she opts for complaining about Bradley’s TV watching, Bradley will defend himself against her complaint and, probably, will not even hear her request. However, if Gretchen really wants change, she should avoid mixing criticism and requests in the same conversation.  Instead, she should ask for what she wants — “Would you be willing to talk after dinner with the TV off?” — and hold back on the complaint.
  Tip #2. When you are finished, don’t continue.  Owen and Corinne have specialized functions when they communicate:  He talks, and she listens.  Owen privately wishes that conversation would be two-way. However, Corinne feels, just as privately, that Owen only wants to talk and that she will be quite likely be criticized no matter what she says. So she keeps silent.
  Not getting a response, Owen continues to talk, even though he has already adequately made his point. He takes Corinne's silence to mean that she hasn't understood him yet. Maybe more words will help. Corinne understands Owen fine. Not a failure to understand, but her sense that response is futile keeps her silent.
  Clearly these two need to share the previously unspoken assumptions that drive their behavior during these one-sided communications. If Corinne will let Owen know that he is understood, then state her opinion and if Owen will address Corinne's fear of having her opinion rejected, this couple can then have the real conversation that they both want.
  Tip #3. When you are listening, don't dominate. Listening, an active but essentially receptive activity, is particularly challenging for those whose communication style is strongly assertive. They are accustomed to delivering information, rather than receiving it and are primarily motivated by a desire to make themselves understood, rather than by an interest in hearing and understanding what the other person has to say.
  If you are the more active communicator in the relationship, watch out for a tendency to offer advice automatically, even though your partner hasn't asked for any, to finish your partner's sentences when your partner falters or slows, to evaluate what that person says when he or she pauses and otherwise to jump right in at every opportunity.
  Good listening is a demanding, dynamic activity, but it takes place inwardly by and large — most of the work goes on inside the listener.  On the outside, the successful listener is like the setting in a diamond ring — important in its supportive function, but unobtrusive.
  Tip #4. When you don't feel heard, don’t speak louder. Marshall feels that his wife, Tawny isn't getting his point. So he repeats it, loudly enough for her to feel intimidated. Her sense of apprehension rising, Tawny increases her volume, too. Now, in order to assert his point above her voice, Marshall bellows.  Diane reciprocates. Soon, without either originally intending it, they are bellowing at each other. Any chance that Marshall will get the sympathetic hearing that he had originally sought is now completely lost.
  Marshall would have succeeded better had he abandoned volume and spoken softly.  Imagine him bending forward so that their eyes meet, touching her gently on the knee and saying in a soft voice, “Tawny, this is really important to me.  Are you willing to listen?”  The contrast between his intentness and the softness of his delivery would, in itself, have guaranteed a hearing.
  In communication, sometimes the winning approach is the opposite of what comes naturally.
  Do you know the frustration of wanting to communicate effectively and failing? You have something important to share, but your efforts are misunderstood or cause more problems than if you'd kept silent and endured your resentment. Here are four tips that, if followed, will help you get understood the way you want to be.
  Tip #1. When you are asking, don’t criticize.  Gretchen has two concerns.  She is unhappy with her husband, Bradley’s habit of withdrawing into TV every night after dinner, and she wants him to visit with her instead. 
  In order to communicate effectively, Gretchen must decide which to emphasize - her complaint (about what she doesn't like) or her request (for what she'd like instead). 
  If she opts for complaining about Bradley’s TV watching, Bradley will defend himself against her complaint and, probably, will not even hear her request. However, if Gretchen really wants change, she should avoid mixing criticism and requests in the same conversation.  Instead, she should ask for what she wants — “Would you be willing to talk after dinner with the TV off?” — and hold back on the complaint.
  Tip #2. When you are finished, don’t continue.  Owen and Corinne have specialized functions when they communicate:  He talks, and she listens.  Owen privately wishes that conversation would be two-way. However, Corinne feels, just as privately, that Owen only wants to talk and that she will be quite likely be criticized no matter what she says. So she keeps silent.
  Not getting a response, Owen continues to talk, even though he has already adequately made his point. He takes Corinne's silence to mean that she hasn't understood him yet. Maybe more words will help. Corinne understands Owen fine. Not a failure to understand, but her sense that response is futile keeps her silent.
  Clearly these two need to share the previously unspoken assumptions that drive their behavior during these one-sided communications. If Corinne will let Owen know that he is understood, then state her opinion and if Owen will address Corinne's fear of having her opinion rejected, this couple can then have the real conversation that they both want.
  Tip #3. When you are listening, don't dominate. Listening, an active but essentially receptive activity, is particularly challenging for those whose communication style is strongly assertive. They are accustomed to delivering information, rather than receiving it and are primarily motivated by a desire to make themselves understood, rather than by an interest in hearing and understanding what the other person has to say.
  If you are the more active communicator in the relationship, watch out for a tendency to offer advice automatically, even though your partner hasn't asked for any, to finish your partner's sentences when your partner falters or slows, to evaluate what that person says when he or she pauses and otherwise to jump right in at every opportunity.
  Good listening is a demanding, dynamic activity, but it takes place inwardly by and large — most of the work goes on inside the listener.  On the outside, the successful listener is like the setting in a diamond ring — important in its supportive function, but unobtrusive.
  Tip #4. When you don't feel heard, don’t speak louder. Marshall feels that his wife, Tawny isn't getting his point. So he repeats it, loudly enough for her to feel intimidated. Her sense of apprehension rising, Tawny increases her volume, too. Now, in order to assert his point above her voice, Marshall bellows.  Diane reciprocates. Soon, without either originally intending it, they are bellowing at each other. Any chance that Marshall will get the sympathetic hearing that he had originally sought is now completely lost.
  Marshall would have succeeded better had he abandoned volume and spoken softly.  Imagine him bending forward so that their eyes meet, touching her gently on the knee and saying in a soft voice, “Tawny, this is really important to me.  Are you willing to listen?”  The contrast between his intentness and the softness of his delivery would, in itself, have guaranteed a hearing.
  In communication, sometimes the winning approach is the opposite of what comes naturally.
  Copyright © 2009 Dr. David Sanford/Promising Partnerships, Inc. All rights reserved. From the relationship collection at marriagesupport.com.
  
  • Tags:
  • Relationships
  • Couples
  • Communication
  • Marriage
  • Personal Growth
  No Comments

• Original Air Date: 3/30/2009 2:00 PM UTC

  Episode 10 - Communication Skills for a Better Relationship

  Psychologist Dr. Jim Weaver and Psychotherapist Hughes Kraft talk about improving communication in important relationships. Plus our regular feature “A Minute on the Mind” where Dr. Mark Kiefner, Clinical Director of Bayside Neurorehabilitation Services, brings us some of the latest and most interesting in brain research.
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  • Tags:
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  • Psychotherapy
  • Self-Improvement
  • couples
  • marriage
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• Date / Time: 3/26/2009 8:20 PM UTC

  BLOG POSTS FROM DR. DAVID SANFORD

  Below are more thoughts from Couples Therapist extraordinaire and Darn Guys colleague Dr. David Sanford. We plan to have communiques from  Dr. Dave posted here on a regular basis. Check back often and join us on the radio show to discuss these ideas further. Check out Dr. Sanford's website at marriagesupport.com
  
  

  The Way You Talk Sends Its Own Powerful Message
  
  

  Every time you talk to your partner you send two messages.  One is the message of your words.  The equally important message is communicated through your delivery.  We frequently talk about the first message.  If we don't understand what is being said, we commonly ask for clarification.  ("Are you saying that...?)  

  On the other hand, we seldom talk about the second message, which is unfortunate:  The way you talk to your partner communicates approval or disapproval, acceptance or non acceptance.  It says, "This is the way I see you," which makes it a fundamentally powerful message.   

  When you speak to your partner, you are in a real sense not speaking to the person herself but to your picture of who that person is - e.g., a friendly person or a hostile person, a smart person or an idiot, someone worthy of respect or deserving of contempt.  Whom you think you are speaking to, at the moment you open your mouth, influences, if not determines, your delivery.

  Complicating clear communication is the fact that, while you may not think of your partner as ignorant, for example, if you over explain something your partner is likely to think that you think, "Here is a really ignorant person."  No matter what you intend, your partner is likely to respond, in one way or another, to the presumed "this is the way I experience you" message.  

  In short, it is important to reflect on how you come across and to choose a delivery that fits with the picture of the other person you want to convey.  

  Here are common ways of speaking to a partner that - if they are typical of the speaker - are almost certain to be poorly received, because of the negative message they convey about the person being spoken to: 

  • Yelling and sarcastic, scornful insulting speech clearly conveys the message, "You (and your opinions) are worth very little in my eyes."  Automatically taking a point of view opposite to what is being expressed, chronically setting out to refute what the other person has said without first showing even modest curiosity about it says, "Your opinion doesn't even deserve a question.  It is flat out not worth considering."   

  • Any negative, parent-like behavior in a spouse is likely to be experienced in adulthood the way it was in childhood.  When one partner speaks in a scolding, correcting, lecturing tone, the other partner hears, "I am the parent here, and you are the child."  Chronic attention to the negative says, "What you do wrong is much more significant than what you do right.  Who you are is not acceptable."

  • A habit of rephrasing what the other person says and then responding - not to the original words but to your repackaging of them - says, "You are insufficient as you are.  I have to improve your words before I respond."  The message may also be, "To me, you are a foreigner.  I can respond only after I translate you into my native tongue."

  • Always giving advice is a little ambiguous in its message.  Habitual advice giving is usually taken to mean, "You need help.  Here, let me help you."  It frequently communicates, "I'm the teacher, and you're the student.  I know, and you don't."  On the other hand, advice giving - particularly from husbands to their wives - may say, "I'm only a problem solver.  You've got a problem?  Let me tell you what to do."

  • Interrupting can also be ambiguous in its meaning.  Infrequently it means, "I'm so excited by what you are saying that I can't contain myself."  Its more likely message is, "I know what you're going to say; so don't bother saying it.  You're an open book to me."  Other possibilities are "My response is more important than your statement" or simply, "You annoy me.  Be quiet."

  • Silence communicates a powerful message, in part because its meaning is usually unclear.  The other person is talking to you.  You sit there, and you say nothing.  Even when she finishes, you say nothing.  Your silence could be saying, "You win.  You are more powerful (or right, or smart) than I am.  I surrender."  On the other hand, it may communicate, "I have contempt for what you're saying.  It isn't even worth responding to."  

  Ways of avoiding negative delivery messages are discussed in the next article.

  Every time you talk to your partner you send two messages.  One is the message of your words.  The equally important message is communicated through your delivery.  We frequently talk about the first message.  If we don't understand what is being said, we commonly ask for clarification.  ("Are you saying that...?)  

  On the other hand, we seldom talk about the second message, which is unfortunate:  The way you talk to your partner communicates approval or disapproval, acceptance or non acceptance.  It says, "This is the way I see you," which makes it a fundamentally powerful message.   

  When you speak to your partner, you are in a real sense not speaking to the person herself but to your picture of who that person is - e.g., a friendly person or a hostile person, a smart person or an idiot, someone worthy of respect or deserving of contempt.  Whom you think you are speaking to, at the moment you open your mouth, influences, if not determines, your delivery.

  Complicating clear communication is the fact that, while you may not think of your partner as ignorant, for example, if you over explain something your partner is likely to think that you think, "Here is a really ignorant person."  No matter what you intend, your partner is likely to respond, in one way or another, to the presumed "this is the way I experience you" message.  

  In short, it is important to reflect on how you come across and to choose a delivery that fits with the picture of the other person you want to convey.  

  Here are common ways of speaking to a partner that - if they are typical of the speaker - are almost certain to be poorly received, because of the negative message they convey about the person being spoken to: 

  • Yelling and sarcastic, scornful insulting speech clearly conveys the message, "You (and your opinions) are worth very little in my eyes."  Automatically taking a point of view opposite to what is being expressed, chronically setting out to refute what the other person has said without first showing even modest curiosity about it says, "Your opinion doesn't even deserve a question.  It is flat out not worth considering."   

  • Any negative, parent-like behavior in a spouse is likely to be experienced in adulthood the way it was in childhood.  When one partner speaks in a scolding, correcting, lecturing tone, the other partner hears, "I am the parent here, and you are the child."  Chronic attention to the negative says, "What you do wrong is much more significant than what you do right.  Who you are is not acceptable."

  • A habit of rephrasing what the other person says and then responding - not to the original words but to your repackaging of them - says, "You are insufficient as you are.  I have to improve your words before I respond."  The message may also be, "To me, you are a foreigner.  I can respond only after I translate you into my native tongue."

  • Always giving advice is a little ambiguous in its message.  Habitual advice giving is usually taken to mean, "You need help.  Here, let me help you."  It frequently communicates, "I'm the teacher, and you're the student.  I know, and you don't."  On the other hand, advice giving - particularly from husbands to their wives - may say, "I'm only a problem solver.  You've got a problem?  Let me tell you what to do."

  • Interrupting can also be ambiguous in its meaning.  Infrequently it means, "I'm so excited by what you are saying that I can't contain myself."  Its more likely message is, "I know what you're going to say; so don't bother saying it.  You're an open book to me."  Other possibilities are "My response is more important than your statement" or simply, "You annoy me.  Be quiet."

  • Silence communicates a powerful message, in part because its meaning is usually unclear.  The other person is talking to you.  You sit there, and you say nothing.  Even when she finishes, you say nothing.  Your silence could be saying, "You win.  You are more powerful (or right, or smart) than I am.  I surrender."  On the other hand, it may communicate, "I have contempt for what you're saying.  It isn't even worth responding to."  

  Copyright © 2009 Dr. David Sanford/Promising Partnerships, Inc. All rights reserved. From the relationship collection at marriagesupport.com.
  • Tags:
  • Relationships
  • Couples
  • Communication
  • Marriage
  • Psychology
  No Comments

• Date / Time: 3/24/2009 3:05 PM UTC

  BLOG POSTS FROM DR. DAVID SANFORD

  Below are some thoughts from Couples Therapist extraordinaire and Darn Guys colleague Dr. David Sanford. We plan to have communiques from  Dr. Dave posted here on a regular basis. Check back often and join us on the radio show to discuss these ideas further. Check out Dr. Sanford's website at marriagesupport.com
  
  Cooperative and Competitive Conversations Don't Mix Well
  
  Cooperative conversations are quite different from competitive ones. Many people - men probably more than women - don't get this distinction.
  In a cooperative conversation partners set out to accomplish something together - explore a topic together, solve a problem together, plan something together. “Together” is the focal word here. In addition to achieving something, the intent in a cooperative conversation is to experience being together.
  A cooperative conversation is a “we” experience.
  A competitive conversation is an “I” experience - more exactly an “I vs you” experience, in which the aim is to win, to prove oneself smarter, faster, more logical or possessed of a better memory than the other person.
  In our society, male conversation tends to be more competitive and female conversation more cooperative. Unhappiness is when he and she set out to talk together and succeed only in frustrating each other. She wants the back and forth pleasure of being together and he sees it as a who-is-right conversation.
  In our competitive world, there are lots more “I” conversations than “we” ones. So here are a couple of suggestions for developing “we talk:”
  * Rule: You can't present your opinion unless you have asked your partner at least two searching questions about what s/he has just said.
  * Rule: Each subsequent statement after the first one must begin with “yes and…,” thus insuring that every statement builds upon the one that came before it.
  
  Make the Relationship Safe for Vulnerability — Yours and Your Partner's
  
  “How much of myself can I bring to this relationship?” “How much can I trust my partner to accept me as I really am?” Many people in relationship ask these questions. Unfortunately, the common answer is — not too much.
  
  In many marriages and couple relationships, it isn’t safe to show that you are afraid, confused, discouraged, lonely or weak. It isn’t safe to let your partner know that you have moments of feeling overwhelmed or that you doubt your ability or, in fact, your worth.
  
  People in such relationships put a lot of energy into not being vulnerable.  Instead of being open, they are circumspect and careful about what they share. Needless to say, when people lack the trust to show vulnerability, the relationship suffers; it becomes less warm, less spontaneous — and less real than it otherwise would be.
  
  In your relationship, how safe is it for you and your partner to show vulnerability?
  
  If you want to make it safe for you and your partner to be more real and more spontaneous with each other, here are some steps that you can take:
  
  * Acknowledge your own areas of vulnerability — to yourself. Hopefully, being fully acquainted with your own vulnerability will make you more accepting of your partner’s.
  
  * Go first; set an example of openness. Experiment with being less defended yourself. For example, apologize when you are wrong. Be more ready to acknowledge when your partner has a better idea than you have.
  
  * Be alert for undefended moments when your partner risks dropping his/her guard with you. Treat such moments with warmth and gentleness, and they will likely increase. (Treat them harshly, and you may wait a long time for your partner to be open with you again.)
  
  * The more you acknowledge your own sensitivity to being hurt, the more alert you will be to the possibility of hurting your partner. When you do, be ready to apologize.
  
  Small steps such as these will make it more safe for both you and your partner to be yourselves in the relationship.
  
  • Tags:
  • Relationships
  • Couples
  • Communication
  • Marriage
  • Psychology
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• Original Air Date: 3/23/2009 2:00 PM UTC

  Episode 9 - Special Guest Psychoanalyst Dr. Bill Sandberg on “Is Freud Dead?” or What is t

  Dr. Bill Sandberg will join us to talk about psychoanalysis and it's practice today. He has had extensive training in psychoanalysis and will share his knowledge from his training and his practice. Early spoiler alert, Freud died in 1939 in London where he was living after fleeing the Nazis. Freud's methods and ideas, though, live on in important in clinical psychodynamic ideas and approaches. In academia his ideas still maintain significant influence in the humanities and some social sciences. Plus our regular feature “A Minute on the Mind” where Dr. Mark Kiefner, Clinical Director of Bayside Neurorehabilitation Services, brings us some of the latest and most interesting in brain research.
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  • Tags:
  • Psychoanalysis
  • Psychotherapy
  • Mental Health
  • Psychodynamics
  • Freud
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• Original Air Date: 3/16/2009 2:00 PM UTC

  Episode 8 - Special Guest Pilates Instructor Tunde Schwartz

  Pilates Instructor Extraordinaire and former Victoria Secret and La Perla Model Tunde Schwartz will join us to talk about Pilates in particular and conditioning in general and it's relation to mental health and general well being. Plus our regular feature “A Minute on the Mind” where Dr. Mark Kiefner, Clinical Director of Bayside Neurorehabilitation Services, brings us some of the latest and most interesting in brain research.
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  • Tags:
  • Conditioning
  • Pilates
  • Self-Improvement
  • Fitness
  • Spiritual
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• Original Air Date: 3/9/2009 2:00 PM UTC

  Episode 7 - Special Guest Doug Smith, LCPC on “Somatic Experiencing”

  Somatic Experiencing focuses on the regulation of stress, anxiety, mood and self control. Peter Levine, the developer of Somatic Experiencing, observed in the '70s that trauma is in the nervous system – not in the event. Somatic Experiencing is a method using deep body awareness to sense the activation of these symptoms, and help dissolve them before they become fully expressed. Doug Smith has been trained in and is practitioner of Somatic Experiencing. He will join us to share his knowledge and experience with these methods. Check out Doug's website at www.mindmeetsbody.com Plus our regular feature “A Minute on the Mind” where Dr. Mark Kiefner, Clinical Director of Bayside Neurorehabilitation Services, brings us some of the latest and most interesting in brain research.
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  • Tags:
  • Psychology
  • Psychotherapy
  • Somatic Experiencing
  • Mind
  • Trauma
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